Sunday, April 29, 2007

My new rules

When I stopped writing in early April, I was going through a bit of depression. This always seems to happen in the weeks before my birthday, consciously and subconsciously. I weeped many nights in a row about my feelings of loneliness and hopelessness about the future. Hanging out with my friends makes me acutely aware of how different my life is from theirs and from what I thought it would be at this age.

I found that blogging every day, in some ways, exacerbated my negative thoughts. Spending too much time writing about certain subject is not healthy for me. Sometimes I think it's better if I let my thoughts pass rather than write down every complaint and peeve that arises during the day.

In the weeks I spent away from my blog, I did find that my mind was emptier, quieter, less anxious. I got back to just living day to day. The sad feelings are always there but much less so when I don't dwell on it.

At the same time, I miss sharing some of my stories and random questions. I miss practicing writing. I miss exchanging thoughts with all of you.

So, I'm back but with a cautious approach. Except for emergencies, I plan to limit my entries to two each week. That will force me to focus on the more important questions and thoughts in my head. Hopefully, that will lead me away from magnifying bad thoughts.

We'll see how it goes...


Anna May Won't said...

i was also extremely bummed this year during my birthday week, having the unfortunate concurring events of 1) breaking up with h., 2) turning 35, and 3) a lot of changes at work, and not for the better. there were a few days i shut my office door and cried.

i can understand not wanting to dwell too much. i, on the other hand, was in total denial, telling myself i was strong, that i was okay, and then completely losing it on my actual birthday.

i'm trying to stop rating each day as doing "better" or "worse" - since of course i want to be "all better" - just taking each day as it is.

Pandax said...

Living each day is good, though I also know that it's easy to forget time is passing unless you have friends with children to remind you how fast things are changing.

It's hard. What matters right now is that we try, continue to do something that keeps our brains alive, rather than just sit around and sulk.