This article was on the front page of the local news site yesterday - 37 Percent of U.S. Births Out of Wedlock.
As I read it and thought about it, I got distracted from my work and considered my own situation. Thirty-six is fast approaching. I don't have a boyfriend, I have no current prospects, I'm not signed up for any online dating, that fact of the matter is I have little inclination beyond well-meaning friends to meet potential single men.
And yet, here I sit, knowing that my time is growing short to have a child of my own. Adoption is something I still have many years to consider, but the opportunity to share a blood line and give birth to my offspring will not last.
Whenever I try and seriously consider the idea of being a single mother, I get incredibly scared. A desire to cry emerges from somewhere deep in my heart. I shake my hands as if that makes the ghostly feeling fade away.
Out of curiosity, I googled for a couple sperm bank websites. I experienced the same feelings I used to have whenever I walked into churches before college - that I was trespassing in a place where I don't belong. (My old-fashioned notion is that this is a place for couples who are having trouble conceiving, not for some single gal who can't get a man.) The sites don't look any different from any other business in that they have a logo, a menu of topics to select, and some general explanations all sitting on a soothing palette of background colors.
What is fascinating is that you can search through the donor sperm catalog for free. I couldn't help myself but browse to see what kinds of Asians they had in stock. In most cases, the selection was rather low compared to looking at, say, men of European descent. I browsed at banks in California, Chicago, Virginia, and New England.
Honestly, it reminds me of dating. You have the guys' race, height, weight, hair color, blood type, education level, and interests or career focus. At two of the banks, you can further drill down for a short biography that provides more history in terms of the origins and health of parents and grandparents. You also learn whether they are smokers, wear glasses, and personal comments. There is an option to buy a baby photo and longer personal essay if available. It was nice to be able to see all this, but it also gave me this odd feeling.
Right or wrong, some thoughts popped into my head as I explored these sites:
1) It seems many of these men are foreigners who do it for the money. It takes away some of my willingness to want to go this route. Yes, they all do it for the money, but I guess I'm looking for some comprehension from them to the significance of what they are doing.
2) Id like to know whether these men are gay or straight. I do believe some people are genetically disposed to an orientation. Frankly, though I would love my child either way, being a straight woman, I'd like to start my child off with the odds towards the same orientation. It would be difficult enough to raise a child alone, I would want to do whatever I could to eliminate extra challenges. This may be selfish and insensitive to some, but I'm just being honest.
3) Having a choice meant feeling more control and the right to get what I want. I had a heightened sense of entitlement. Since I'd be paying for this I should have the best for my child - good height, a healthy BMI number, a clean health history, etc. Looking back now, I feel ridiculous. Some of it's very practical, but I also feel guilty for having this "designer baby" attitude. If I had a husband, I wouldn't care as much because it'd be about creating a child made from our love. In this case, it's about getting the best attributes since I would have no emotional connection to the father.
4) Even though I will likely never meet the sperm donor, I would prefer my child's father to be closer to my age. It was strange thinking that I could create a child with someone twelve years younger. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and it's the reality of what selection is available. It would seem my mind is still treating this somewhat like dating.
Normally, one uses a profile to choose a man to date that could potentially progress to create a family. A lot of trial and error is involved. Here, a small amount of information is the basis from which one must take a very big leap of faith. With this process, there's a need to fill in the blanks about how the donor's personality will influence the child. Luck seems to be a big factor. What a peculiar process this must appear to be to other cultures.
There are so many implications to this for me personally that I'm not prepared to confront or accept. I've thought about all this stuff before, but it's scary idea that I'd prefer to put off as long as possible.
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37 Percent of U.S. Births Out of Wedlock
By MIKE STOBBE, AP Medical Writer
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
(11-21) 15:52 PST ATLANTA (AP) --
Out-of-wedlock births in the United States have climbed to an all-time high, accounting for nearly four in 10 babies born last year, government health officials said Tuesday.
While out-of-wedlock births have long been associated with teen mothers, the teen birth rate actually dropped last year to the lowest level on record. Instead, births among unwed mothers rose most dramatically among women in their 20s.
Experts said the overall rise reflects the burgeoning number of people who are putting off marriage or living together without getting married. They said it also reflects the fact that having a child out of wedlock is more acceptable nowadays and not necessarily the source of shame it once was.
The increase in births to unwed mothers was seen in all racial groups, but rose most sharply among Hispanics. It was up among all age groups except youngsters ages 10 to 17.
"A lot of people think of teenagers and unmarried mothers synonymously, but they are not driving this," said Stephanie Ventura of the National Center for Health Statistics, a co-author of the report.
The government also reported that the rate of births by Caesarean delivery continued to climb in 2005 to a record high, despite efforts by public health authorities to bring down the number.
Many experts believe a large number of C-sections are medically unnecessary and done only for the convenience of the mother or her doctor.
The government report includes information from 99 percent of U.S. birth certificates filed last year. The information for 2005 is considered preliminary, but officials said it is not expected to change much.
About 4.1 million babies were born in the United States last year, up slightly from 2004. More than 1.5 million of those were to unmarried women; that is about 37 percent of the total. In 2004, about 36 percent of births were out of wedlock.
Out-of-wedlock births have been rising since the late 1990s.
Several factors may be contributing to the trend, said Dr. Yolanda Wimberly, an adolescent-medicine specialist at Atlanta's Morehouse School of Medicine.
More women in their 30s and 40s, hearing their biological clock, are choosing to give birth despite their single status. Younger women are not as worried about being unmarried, either, she added.
"I think it's more acceptable in society" to have a child without getting married, she said.
Just because a mother is not married does not mean the father isn't around, Ventura noted. She cited 2002 statistics that showed that about 20 percent of all new mothers under 20 were unmarried but living with the father at the time of the birth. That same was true of about 13 percent of all new mothers ages 20 to 24.
According to census figures, the median age at first marriage was 27 for men and 25 for women last year, up from 23 and 20 in 1950. Meanwhile, the number of unmarried-couple households with children has been climbing, hitting more than 1.7 million last year, up from under 200,000 in 1970.
Other findings in the report:
The birth rate among teenagers declined 2 percent in 2005, continuing a trend from the early 1990s. The rate is now about 40 births per 1,000 females ages 15 to 19. That is the lowest level in the 65 years for which a consistent series of rates is available.
The U.S. teen birth rate is still the highest among industrialized countries.
Births to women in their early 20s rose slightly, to 102 births per 1,000 women ages 20 to 24. Births to women in their late 20s — the most productive group in terms of childbirth — was about the same from the previous year, at about 116 per 1,000 women ages 25 to 29.
The C-section rate rose to 30.2 percent of all births in 2005, an increase of 1 percentage point from the previous year. The rate has risen by nearly half since 1996.
"It is clear that the procedure is being overused," Tonya Jamois, president of the International Cesarean Awareness Network, said in a statement. ICAN is a California-based nonprofit organization focused on lowering C-section rates.
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3 comments:
WOW! Lots to talk about it. Here's my assvice and two cents:
Although I'm married, I definately feel we can relate to each other since we both, so far, have been unable to achieve the family life we'd like for ourselves. Still, it's better to be single than be with the wrong person. I think it's testament to your strength as a woman and self-respect that you won't compromise.
As for donor sperm...I recommend reading "Mommies, Daddies, Donors, and Surrogates: Answering Tough questions and Building Strong Families" by Diane Ehrensaft. She talks a lot about the things someone should consider and ponder when thinking of conceiving using donor anything AND she approaches it with many different perspectives (i.e. infertile couples, gay couples, singles). It's a interesting read and will get you thinking and may answer some of your questions. You might be able to find it at your local library.
As for adoption, I'd recommend going in for an orientation to my agency to see what it is all about and what your options are. You can find them on the web at www.heartsent.org - the orientations are monthly and free.
And I know I also mentioned cryopreservation of your eggs before, which is an option.
So much to think about.
there was an article in the nytimes about single women choosing to have babies a few months ago. i think it's important to remember that it's not just about you if you go down this path. do you have a support network for this child since they will only have one family to draw upon? do you have the resources and time and money for this by yourself; a lot of dual parent families struggle with it. i'm not saying it's a bad idea or you shouldn't consider it, but there are so many factors that go into this choice beyond a woman who happens to get pregnant with a partner but just isn't married, or one who gets divorced down the road.
Chloe: Thanks for all the suggestions. As I said, I'm not quite ready though it's all on my mind. It's kind of like getting into a pool. There are those who jump into the deep end and those who slowly wade in the shallow end to get used to the temperature. I'm just at the point of dipping my toes into the water on the first step. I will definitely keep these readings in mind when the time comes.
Zerodoll: I still have another year before I need to start tackling all these questions. I think the list I wrote out in my link to a previous entry summarizes the difficulties I need to work out and understand better. You touched upon many of them. Once I really start to research, I figure it'll take me a good year to get a good grasp of what's ahead and whether I'm fit to do it.
Frankly, I'm not yet comfortable thinking about all this stuff too much. I find it all very upsetting to acknowledge that I even had to start considering this. It just came up because of the article.
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