It would seem another baby season is coming. I've been bombarded by people revealing that they're expecting new additions to their families late next spring. More reasons for me to avoid people.
It was such a lovely weekend that I had to get out and do a hike. This is one of the rare times I went alone. Part of me figures that I need to grow accustomed to that idea. I thought about how happy I'd be to even just stroll through the neighborhood hand in hand with a sweet man. Great... another qualification to make my search more difficult... a man who will get up before 9am on a Saturday morning.
I drove over to an area which I usually hike with friends after work in the summer. Boy, was that a mistake. I forgot that the place is overflowing on weekends. Luxury vehicles parked along red curbs despite numerous signs reminding people to park in designated spaces only.
The worst thing, and the reason I will never go there on a weekend again, is that the place is filled with babies and couples. There's a retirement community just up the road from the park. Many older couples like to stroll through the flat areas. Same with the families. I can imagine many of these women, cooped up at home with their infants. This is their chance to escape the house and get some fresh air.
I tried to clear my mind and focus on the moment. But it was hard to ignore the stream of people. How could I not be jealous of the couple with two young children happily playing? How could I not feel like a loser seeing people younger than me, married and walking with a newborn attached to their chests? All these years have gone by when they probably met, dated, married, and gave birth. Me? I've got a collection of lame dating stories to show for those same years. Then, I'd see a lone, older women jog by and wonder if that is my fate.
Only when I went far enough back, up into the hills, did I escape all those people. I could inhale the fresh breezes and gaze out on the bay. The grasses are dry now, so the hillsides look like a nature picture in sepia or black and white. I wanted to sit under the far tree and listen to the wind. No people, no time, no worries. It was such a peaceful place.
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5 comments:
It also pains me at times to be in crowds of people with tons of babies and kids, though for different reasons than your's. Still, I know what you mean.
I recently said this to one of my best gals (who is 36 and single) who had never considered this...have you thought about cryopreservation of some of your eggs? Think of it as an insurance policy...hopefully you won't ever need them but nice to know it's there (just in case). It might help to quiet down the ticking of the clock.
BTW - loved your latest comment on my blog. You hit the nail on the head with the chicken and grits reference.
although i'm trying to be more independent and accept the idea that i may be on my own for the rest of my life, i have the same reaction when i see a middle-aged single woman: god that's gonna be me. but who knows how she's feeling inside? she could be at utter peace with herself.
do you think people are timing the births of their future progency on purpose? apparently, next year is the year of the golden pig.
Hey, who knows? Maybe those single women jogging by were the only happy ones...the couples with the babies were probably envying you, with your hottt body and all alone with no spitty baby, no stretch marks, and not a care in the world!
I've been going through that lately as well - seems that all of my friends are married with babies. But I babysat for a friend recently, and dealing with her spitty baby for 4 hours really cured me of that..made me realize that I'm definitely not ready for that! There is a time for everything..
Chloe - I know of a couple girlfriend who have looked into the cost of freezing some eggs. It's not really an egg issue at this point, it's more just not wanting to be an "old" parent. Alas, saving my eggs can't change that.
THB - thanks for the laugh :)
Frankly, I don't think anyone's ever totally ready for kids. It's always going to be scary. But I know I've had my time to enjoy and experience life. I want to have a family while I'm relatively young and healthy (and I'm still able to chase after them). I want to see my kids graduate and get married. I want to play with my grandchildren are born and watch them grow up for as long as possible. There's never any guarantee that we can be there for everything, but certainly the odds are better when you start younger.
And then, there's no point in dwelling on things that are out of my hands... I just do the best that I can in the present.
That's how I usually feel whenever I'm at Ikea of all places --- all those young couples or young families walking around, shopping for furniture.
I guess that's why I tell myself I don't buy cheap furniture anymore --- that I'm holding out for something that's solid and worth my money. But really, it's just to escape having to look at something that feels like will never be mine.
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