Wednesday, February 28, 2007

What you're really here for

I haven't written much about the "consultant" lately. It's been progressing. As I have said, I didn't want to make it into a big deal where I would stress out and flake. I take my time and just see what happens. The approach has worked well. I'm still exchanging with maybe 6 men. Several have dropped off as they have decided to pursue other women they're in contact with (or so implies the message), and I gained a couple new fellows.

At this point, it's probably worth highlighting a few because I'm going to meet them this weekend:

    Designer - I've mentioned him before. We've exchanged some friendly e-mails and he's called twice. During the last one, I felt like I was hogging much of the air time because he kept asking me questions. I did manage to even out the conversation, but then something he said threw me. He casually used the f*g word. My ears tingled. I'm not against swearing. I will express myself in a fit of frustration or anger (usually when I'm by myself)... and maybe in the heat of passion. After the call, I thought about it. Among my circle of friends, we rarely incorporate foul language into conversation. I mean, I can't recall any conversations with Tim where that word has come up. As long as Designer doesn't regularly use foul language it'll be okay.

    V500 - He's someone who I briefly met at an event last year. I didn't really interact with him much, but one comment was memorable and came up again in our exchanges. Basically he asked about meeting up for coffee on our first e-mail, so I don't know much about him beyond his profile.

    G - I'm not sure what to call him yet. If things go well, maybe I'll find something that fits him. He's just over 6 ft. tall. G's the one guy I contacted after he didn't contact me for three weeks. It was my experiment in making first contact. We seem to enjoy the same, simple activities with friends - nothing exciting or unique but somehow appealing to have common interests. On the second e-mail he suggested meeting for dinner.

To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about any of it. I haven't been on a date since KT last spring. A small part of me is hopeful, another part is skeptical and wary, and another part of me is just going through the motions and going for the food. ;) The important thing is that I'm meeting new people.

I constantly worry whether I can make the right decisions about another person when I am unsure of what I hope to find (and sometimes, why I'm doing this). I think about what Lorelai (Gilmore Girls) said to Christopher when they broke up... about "the man I want to want" versus trusting my heart. I'm not sure I have clarity between the two for myself. I have to trust that I will find my way.

On top of all this, I'm meeting up with someone to do some career homework, see a friend I haven't caught up with in many months, get some much needed exercise, and watch some tv episodes and movies. Wow, and I have homework tonight! This must be some cosmic convergence.

Gosh, and I was hoping for a quiet weekend to catch up on chores. You should see my place... then again, no, no one should be exposed to my disaster area. Traveling too often makes for a messy home and lots of laundry (and a desperate search for clean socks and underwear). Maybe a monthly house cleaner would be worth it.


zerodoll said...

yay! dates! i can't wait to hear about them! and if the swearing is Designer's worst habit, that's really pretty minor. i personally turn it on or more importantly, off, around different people.

Anna May Won't said...

i second zerodoll about having dates. good to keep a casual attitude (i'm trying to take my own advice!).

but by f*g, do you mean a deragatory term for homosexuals? dunno: i personally have no problem with swearing, but if someone starts tossing around deragatory terms - to me "f*g" is no different from the N-word or the C-word (as in a racial slur against chinese folk) - my guard goes up. but maybe it was a one time thing, like you said.

or do you mean f*g, like the verb form of the f-word? if that's the case, i agree with zerodoll on that too.

Pandax said...

Anna: Oh, it's just the normal f-word as in "that's f*g crazy!" It didn't even occur to me my abbreviation would be something derogatory.

I guess my ears are a bit more sensitive than most. (And probably why the "40-Year-Old Virgin", while a funny movie, language was just too much for me.)