Say when...

I feel that old adage "when it rains, it pours" coming on. As I wrote once before, I'm reaching crossroad with my career. My head is now spinning after getting my 2006 performance review.

It's nothing bad, in fact, it's quite decent. I managed and completed several critical projects last year. I learned some new skills and faced the challenges associated with working with multiple stakeholders. For the most part, the results that came from my work have been used to guide current activities.

This is when my manager went on to say that I have more potential. I could be doing a lot more in terms of my roles and responsibilities. I must agree. Part of me has known since last year that I'm sitting on my hands, just doing what I need to. At times, I don't know how to step up, and other times, I don't really want to.

To add to that push towards taking on a bigger role, my manager revealed something to me, that my counterpart is planning to move over to another group some time this summer. It's something that has not been announced because, at the moment, it could be misinterpreted as a bad sign. It has nothing to do with the department; it's something my counterpart negotiated during the past six months as part of a career development plan. I was simply caught off guard that it would happen this year.

Basically, my manager has framed this change as a huge opportunity for me. He wants me to take on more responsibilities and sit on product teams so that I can be more involved in decision-making. In addition, when my counterpart leaves, I have the choice of recommending whether the new hire is to be under my management or someone who is hired as my equal. I would basically be running my own little department. Kind of scary idea, huh? I have been asked to think about my options and come back with a decision by the end of March.

I know this is a great opportunity. I would put myself in a situation where I would increase my visibility at the company and learn some serious management skills. And yet, I can't tell whether my concerns that this is the wrong road for me are are valid or just an excuse for being coward.

My head is spinning because just before this all happened, I got a call from a recruiter. I get calls often, but this one was different because it was from a recruiter who contracts at a company I've often considered working for. It is tempting to explore the opportunity. The recruiter asked me to send him a copy of resume. Frankly, I don't have a current resume. I haven't put one together in years.

So between the recruiter and the potential work promotion, I'm quite confused. I wasn't planning to take on a new job, but this would be a good opportunity. For over a year now, I think about just quitting. While I enjoy what I do and get paid well, I'm not totally happy. The truth is, I thought I'd be married now and have kids to worry about. I never thought I'd actually have a career to plan.

I've been doing the same work for more than four years now. Knowing my counterpart is leaving soon creates a sense of guilt. Part of me feel like I have to stay now. As much as I appreciate the management opportunity, I'm bored working on this project. I want to learn something new. However, that means that I would have to change jobs and give up the chance at management. It means going sideways instead of up the ladder. I know there's nothing wrong with that. However, the practical side of me says that it's stupid to turn down the promotion offer. (My parents thought I was nuts leaving my good-paying job to go to grad school.) The part of me that wants a life thinks I should just let this one go.

It's hard to make a move when you feel like you don't care. Sure, I care about having money to afford a warm place to sleep, food, the basics. There are just days when nothing makes me happy because I have nothing to look forward to in my life. I know I'm luckier than many people in this world and that I shouldn't complain. I am grateful for all that. It's all fun and indulgence for myself. Still, I'm coming to a point in my life where need something more than just me. I grew up believing my purpose in life was to raise a family and I don't know how to cope with the reality that it may not happen.

Back to the situation at hand... I have no plan. What would I do if I didn't work? How long could I afford to spend unemployed? Would taking time off do anything to help me find a husband? A friend of mine pointed out something important. If I intend to also use this time off to think about my career, I need to have a solid plan. Otherwise, it would be too easy to get lazy and go nowhere. I really need to devote some time to think about what I want.

In a way, I can no longer put this off. I need to tell my manager something in a month. Perhaps this is a good thing. I'm just really scared about what I realizations I may have to face.