Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Blah, sleep, blah

There hasn't been much to write lately for a variety of reasons. Let's see, my company moved, so that's put me behind. The software that allows me to use my laptop wirelessly is not working at the moment, I've been traveling for work, and I got sick for several days. Now, the new ergo set up isn't working and I have a bad shoulder. Yeah, it's been slow.

I go worn a bit raw after some exchanges with friends last week. It's made me not want to share much. Neither would be considered "incidents" except by me. My therapist saw them as examples of where I need to voice my needs to people.

Hula and hung out one night. She was curious to hear how the online dating was going and had come up with some suggestions for me. One of the conversation was about preferences. I mentioned that I've been reluctant to communicate with guys under 5'5". She inquired my reasons why since she didn't think my choice was rational. I gave her my justifications, and she rebutted my examples. She posed the question to me, "Would you be willing to miss out on the love of your life because he is short?"

"I understand, and you could be right, but this is just how I feel." I said with sincerity. I knew she made a good point, but I also know that you can't always fight what you feel.

The problem was, she wouldn't move on. Even though I acknowledged her viewpoint, I didn't feel like she accepted mine. I quietly sat, listening to her continue about the perceived positives of finding the right man and how unimportant height should be relative to a good relationship. She tried to make it sound like a good thing because I'd get to meet all these guys that other people aren't willing to consider. Still, it hurt. To me, it felt like I was being told to give up my wants (or lower my standard) because... I can't be picky at this age. No, that's not what she said, but it's how she made me feel. And how would she know what I'm going through? She's never dated anyone short. She's been with the same man for seven years and never done online dating. It was frustrating that she wouldn't stop. It made me feel incredibly bad.

You have to understand that Hula is the nicest person and means well. She has this angelic voice no matter what she says. How can you be angry at someone who speaks so gently? I know I should have said something, instead I sat there and politely listened. I just couldn't understand why she could accept that our opinions were different and to move on.

The other conversation had to do with planning a group vacation. One month ago, three of us met to discuss our tour options. At the meeting, we agreed on a travel package and a backup plan. The following Monday, I scoped out the final pricing by talking with a travel agent. I then sent an e-mail to everyone interested providing the description, prices, and dates for our possible vacation. I gave everyone two weeks to think about it and asked for a response on their intent to go by a specific date. I chose that date because it would give everyone the weekend to turn in any applications, fees, or passport information. I also explained that I would be out of town the following week and wanted to make sure we made the early deadline for the package discount.

Over the two weeks, I sent out two additional e-mails. In each e-mail I sent out additional information that I had learned or to answer a couple questions. I encouraged everyone to write me with any questions or concerns about the trip. One person wrote me saying that he and his wife wouldn't be able to make the discount cutoff because they had to wait for some work projects to solidify.

The date I asked for responses came and went. I didn't hear a word from anyone else. Towards the end of the work day, I sent out an e-mail reminding everyone to please let me know either way whether they were planning on joining the trip.

The next day, I finally had to call the two people who were most interested in going on the trip, the two people who helped me plan in the first place. Of all people I had thought they would have confirmed with me. One person said she had changed her mind about the length of the trip and wanted to go for less than two weeks. When I asked her why she hadn't let me know, she said she felt that it wasn't really her trip and didn't want to impose. The other person said he was still up for it but hadn't had time to look at the details of the trip. Plus, now knowing the other person wanted to go on the shorter vacation, he wanted to explore other options. He laughed and said, "we're probably not going to make the deadline."

Well, I was absolutely frustrated and annoyed with the situation. Why? One, because neither of them bothered to tell me anything until I called them. Whatever happened to responding by the date specified? If they had told me these things earlier, we could have made other arrangements and still made the deadline. Second, I gave everyone TWO weeks to look over all the details of the trip. How does someone have the nerve to tell me that he wasn't sure he wanted to go because he hadn't done his research yet. You had two weeks (and, I might add, he's currently unemployed by choice so what excuse do you possibly have)!

It's fine if no one cared about the early discount, I just would have appreciated a little more courtesy about telling me. If I hadn't request a response by a certain date, I can understand no one feeling a need to respond. I certainly would be non-committal as well. Planning trips for a group of people can be so frustrating.

My natural reaction, though not the best reaction, would be to walk away from the whole thing. Why deal with people who won't respond to you? But... I know that's an avoidance response, and it's means we all lose out on the vacation. I can't be that way. So, instead, I'm just taking it easy. The discount has passed, so now it doesn't matter when we sign up. I'm just going to wait until there's more momentum and interest. There's no reason to invest more time on this. I don't need the stress of trying to herd cats. If it happens, great. Otherwise, there are plenty of other trips I can take with other people.


Anna May Won't said...

i think that's a good attitude re: the trip. planning a vacation with even one or two people is sometimes a pain too. the appeal of traveling alone.

i'm with you on the preferences thing. i think it's ridiculous to say, "what if the love of your life is under 5'5"?" the love of your life could be ANYBODY. what if he's someone who hates online dating? your head could explode going down that path.

if there is such a thing as "the love of your life," you and he will find each other no matter what. i'm actually not sure if there is just one person for each of us out there. that's very easy for someone who is with someone to say. saying that stacks tremendous odds against us single people. in the whole wide gigaintic world, JUST ONE PERSON? i don't think so.

i think there are people who will be better and worse fits. the only way to find out is to go out there and make yourself available, which is what you're doing (yay!). you should be commended for that.

under 5'5" is REALLY short. it's not like you're being unrealistic and saying under 5'10". it's not like you're locking out the majority of the population.

i know hula is your friend but why is she focusing on the negative? god, i hate that! okay, my own personal tear.

now i've gone on too long. :)

zerodoll said...

i hate hate HATE trying to plan group things, dinner is hard enough, i can't even imagine trying to plan a group vacation.

oh and i agree, under 5'5 is REALLY short; my only criteria was taller than me (which is 5'5.)

Pandax said...

The only problem with traveling alone... you're rarely in the pictures. How do you prove you were actually there? ;)

I would definitely agree there's no ONE person out there. I think there are multiple soulmates. The one you end up with is a matter of timing.

Boy, what I wouldn't give to be 5'3" (and that's not asking much). As for the argument that 5'5" is a more flexible than 5'10", Hula responded (can't remember her exact words) that basically 5'5" is no better because I'm still being unreasonable.

Yeah, fine.

mini said...

i get really frustrated trying to plan. my question is always why I'm the one who ends up doing the majority of the research? If a few of us sit down to plan a trip, and say the question of hotels come up, somebody may ask "so who wants to look into hotels?" ... and then everybody just sits in silence, and finally, i wouldn't be able to stand it anymore, so I would say, "okay, I'll take a look at it."

is my silence threshold just lower than others?

i think your friends all appreciate the research that you have done. that's what i keep telling myself, that people appreciate it, even if they're flaky about getting back to me.