The fact of the matter is that I'm just rather tired these days. I've been away from home for many days in the past month and feel kind of lost. I plead guilty to not keeping up with everyone's blogs as much. I've been browsing a paragraph or two and then move on. Sorry.
My dating subscription ended recently. I'm still exchanging e-mail with a few guys, but it's going slow. Somehow, not contacting each other through the system seems to make one less important. I don't want to look needy by e-mailing them over and over, yet how am I supposed to keep myself in their minds?
Basically, not much came out of the three months of online dating. I probably exchanged information (on some level) with more than twenty-five guys but only managed to meet two. Compared to other times I've gone on the Internet, I think I was much more open and put in a good amount of effort. I wasn't planning my wedding or anything, but certainly I thought I would meet some interesting people for couple dates each. For whatever reason, however, the results weren't stellar. It's not exactly a self-esteem booster.
Meanwhile, I'm still here at my job. It's fine. Some days are good, some days not so much. It's hard to give up a comfy paying job where I get to do things at my own pace. I worry I'm not challenging myself.
Even shopping, that lovely pastime, has lost its allure. They're just things that clutter my closets. How can I buy stuff that I can't wear because I'm 10% overweight? I don't want to spend an hour every morning to look "pretty." What happened to being yourself?
Maybe it's just a mood thing. Maybe it's the birthday thing. Each day I see something about myself that I don't like and it makes me wonder if that's why I'm still alone at 36. Things never seem to change no matter how much I recognize or am told of my bad habits. It's amazing I still have friends.
It might be a rash decision that I'll regret tomorrow, but I need a break. My optimism towards the topic on which this blog is based has faded. I need to step back and take inventory of what I have, what I want, and where I'm going. I need to stop analyzing, pre-judging, assuming, and jumping to conclusions about my life and the people around me. Can I get myself to relax and just live?
We shall see... and maybe I'll catch up with all of you in a couple months. I'll be lurking from time to time, hoping you're all having great adventures and plenty of laughs.
4 comments:
It doesn't matter if you're 36 or 26, guy or girl, everybody feels this way some times. Doesn't sound like you're giving up, so that only means this feeling is not going to last. So hang in there.
Btw, I recently gave Match.com a try. The format and interface is pretty good. A reverse search revealed that there's way more guys than girls -- more competition for me, but maybe it'll work out well for ya!
Good luck. I enjoy reading what you have to say, especially when it's honest like this. I know how it feels to be dejected and to look at your life and think, ick.
Just because you're not dating for a while, doesn't mean your imaginary friends out here in Internet land don't want to hear what you're thinking about, feeling, and doing. I hope you'll keep us posted, without a sense of obligation or burden, as the mood strikes.
totally agreed with nicky, just b/c you don't post about dating doesn't mean we're not interested in the rest of your life.
Yes, come back soon!
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