Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Scared

Unfortunately, my concerns were validated today. The doctor found my uterus to be smaller than what would be expected for someone at this time. She sent us to have an ultrasound performed. The referral sheet I took to the ultrasound office read, "Reason for ultrasound: Viability."

In my heart, I already knew the answer. I feel like I've known for two weeks, but I just didn't have solid proof. It was horrible laying there on the table as she waved the wand over my abdomen. This was supposed to be that wonderful moment when you first get to see the little human inside your belly. Instead, as Tim tried to figure out what the technician was looking at, I tried to distract myself by analyzing the light and shadow effect on the ceiling tiles created by the sunlight emanating from the exam room window.

It got worse when they said they needed to do a vaginal ultrasound. I felt helpless and tortured to have this wand inside me being moved around in a rather uncomfortable manner. All the while, they said little to us. Finally, the doctor asked if we wanted to watch the screen as she examined me. I appreciate her honesty as she explained what she was seeing.

Maybe had my uterus been empty it wouldn't have been so hard. But there it was, this tiny grey blip that she said had probably been our fetus. All around, there was still blood flow but not to the fetus. There was no sign of a heartbeat. There's no explanation, it's no one's fault, and yet one can't help wonder - what happened?

I was told that I would need to have a D&C. I'd heard this term before, I knew that it meant cleaning out what still remains inside. Still, the gravity of the procedure didn't really hit me until the drive home. They would be scooping out what was once our baby as if it were just some unwanted tissue. Why can't there be a more loving and peaceful way to say goodbye?

At least we have one night left to spend with our little wonder and be able to send it off with happier wishes.

8 comments:

Anna May Won't said...

oh honey, i'm so sorry.

i wish i could give you a hug.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your loss. My husband and I suffered a m/c when we first got pregnant. However, about a month or so later, I got pregnant again and had a healthy baby boy. Just take things one day at a time. Take care of yourself and each other. -Joy

zerodoll said...

oh no. i'm so sorry. lean on tim and take care of yourself.

mini said...

oh no, i'm so sorry to hear ... thanks for keeping us posted. you'll get there next time. *big hug*

teahouse said...

::HUGS::

I'm sorry to hear about this. But I know happier days are ahead for you guys. Rest and be kind to yourself.

Lost said...

Oh no. So sorry to hear this news. Take it easy on yourself..

thinking of you both!

Sitcomgirl said...

Oh Pandax, I'm so sorry :(
Take care of yourself and lean on Tim like Zerodoll said. Hugs.

Pandax said...

Thanks everybody. Tim's been great. He stayed with me all through the procedure which went smoothly. We'll be okay.