Part II: 80s dancing date

(intermission is now over, please return to your seats... thank you)

Let's get hot and sweaty
Before joining the rest of the group inside, we had to stop at Will Call to pick up the tickets. I thought maybe he asked about paying his share for his ticket, but he didn't. As we walked towards the entrance, KT asked me where all the friends we just encountered live. I spewed out a list of cities and an aside that Ma had just moved to Teo which put him a little further away. As I was about to hand the tickets to the host, he asked if Ma was married. I raised my voice over the music and said, "no, they're just living together, but his girlfriend would like that next step. He's not quite ready."

The minute our IDs were checked and hands were stamped I looked towards the stage to see my friends dancing off to one side. They immediately spotted me as well and waived us over. Kata was nice enough to show us where to stash our jackets. I couldn't figure out exactly where to leave my coat and dangled it above the floor for a moment. I was a little concerned about dirt but let it go, literally just letting it fall to the ground behind a couple barstools. KT came up after me. I noticed he very nicely bundled up my coat and put his underneath mine (I would hope as a sweet gesture to keep mine clean :))

Our group was situated to one side of the stage. It was a little awkward because we had a narrow strip of dance floor which forced our group of seven to be elongated. Sh and Suna were at the opposite end, so I couldn't really introduce them to KT. The two other men there, Diamond and BlondCurl were in the middle. Kata stood to the right of me and KT on the left. This made dancing awkward because I hated having my back to Kata and friends in order to look at KT or vice versa.

Twice, when the band paused, I considered trying to get Suna and Sh's attention and introduce KT, but they always seemed to be talking or looking elsewhere. I did at least try and point out each person to Ken. He commented that he's not very good with names. Finally, during another break, they shuffled themselves over to meet him. I couldn't help think the look behind Suna's smile as she introduced herself was "hi, so, you're Mr. Flakey."

The dancing went pretty well. He seemed pretty into it except for a few times I noticed him fumbling in his pockets with his phone. He was looking around A LOT, though I'm really not sure why. This was the case most of the night. (Any ideas?) We'd glance at each other every so often and there was one song where we danced strictly face to face. My critique? Well, he's no smooth operator but I appreciate his attitude. :) His arms swung a bit widely at times, but it's nothing bad. It was really nice to be dancing along side a date.

During the intermission, KT asked if I wanted anything to drink. We went to the bar and he got us two juices. Then we joined my friends in a small alcove near the door. After five minutes, KT excused himself to make a phone call. He was probably gone for what seemed like more than 10 minutes. Sh and I talked about him a little before he returned. Her first comment was, "he looks like your type." (And a little part of me couldn't help wonder if she herself considered him attractive as we have a very similar preferences. But that's another story of my insecurity to discuss.) I'm really curious to hear what the two of them thought of him.

When KT did return, he stood between me and Sh. She immediately launched into some general questions about where he grew up and lived. When the subject of Boston came up, I mentioned to Sh their common interest in sports teams. They started reminiscing of great years such as 1986. I felt like I disappeared a little from the conversation because he was mostly looking at her when he talked. (There is this part of me that thinks that in a "competition" I would lose a man to her because she can be very engaging and has interests that might be more enticing to the sort of geeky men I date. I mean, if it's not meant to be with me, it should be fine. It's that damn catty gene we women have or something.)

We had a little one-on-one time before the band started up again. I recall talking about names. I had asked whether his parents are more likely to call him by his Chinese name or his American name. He said it was 50/50 and was more likely to be his full American name if they were mad at him. He doesn't like he full name because it's too formal. I jokingly asked whether anyone had ever called him by his name with a "y." His reaction made it very clear that he hates that name, even before it became a cartoon character. :) When he commented something about how simple the syllable's in he and his siblings names are, I commented about reading a book that advise about choosing names with syllables opposite to the name. That is, is your last name has an even number of syllables, choose an odd number of syllables for the first name. I don't know that it totally made sense to him. (Oh my dumb, random trivia...) He said he'd have to keep that in mind when he names his children.

We also observed how the frequency of certain American names runs higher among Asians. They usually are either easy to pronounce, sound like the given Asian name, or have a meaning. I told him how I once procrastinated from study for a final exam by looking through the phonebook and making a comparison between the American names of people with the last names Chen and Lee versus Smith and Johnson. It's as if Asian parents were given a list of approved names to name their children that was different from others - Albert, Edward, Eugene, Steven, Grace, Angela, Helen, etc. That or they use very old-fashioned names.

The band played until just after midnight. I'd like to think that some of the dancing and close proximity required for talking helped bridge any nervousness about touching each other. We didn't leave right away because BlondCurl's jacket was missing. It appeared that someone had taken it. Sh and Suna helped him double check the theatre for any chance of it. Kata, KT, and I stood at the door waiting. We just didn't feel that we'd add much help to the situation.

Walking back to the car
It was drizzling as we stepped out onto the sidewalk. Everyone quickly threw on their jackets except Suna who had left hers in the car. KT verbally offered up his, but Diamond put his over her shoulders. (There's a belief he's interested in her so it seems appropriate.)

Sh was walking behind the two of us for a little bit. Somehow I walked ahead slightly and they talked a little. She explained that she and Suna are roommates and live on College Ave. KT recalled that that's where Ig lives and asked to confirm his memory. When Sh asked if he had met Ig, he said that they had met when the three of us watched that disappointing basketball game where EB lost. I then interrupted and joked that it was no skin off his back since he could just say he was from R. That gave Sh reason to ask why he would watch his rival's game. He seem amused by the question and explained that he was a fan before he decided to go to R. I tried teasing him a little about that by saying he was "tricked" or "misled" into making that choice. ;)

At that moment, we came around the corner to see that Ig's car was still parked on the street. We debated calling TJ to see if the group was still hanging around at the house. I asked Ken if he was okay, and he said it was fine to hang out. But then, just as we were searching for a cell phone, a car pulled up with Wand and Ig. They had just dropped Ma off at his car. We all were sad to see that there was no after-party to go to.

We ended up standing in the middle of the street talking for another 20 minutes. The women all congregated around Wand's car. Somehow I ended up standing with the men. (This is why I wonder if I have some weird inability to associate with women at times.) We talked about a bunch of random stuff. KT seemed to fit in fine making comments and jokes when appropriate. Ig asked if I was going to be around next week. I vaguely reminded him that there was plans for Saturday evening already. When I clairied to Ig that it was a games night, KT apologized for his earlier comment about only "turbo(?) Christians" playing board games. I simply shrugged my shoulders as it wasn't a big deal to me. (Did he not believe me when I told him earlier that we like to play games?) Clearly Ig was recruiting people for a skiing trip. KT inserted his own comment that he couldn't go because he'll be in Virginia. (Well, that just deflated my hopes of seeing him next weekend. Another reason not to mention my upcoming birthday to him.) Diamond just moved here from the very town KT is headed to so they chatted briefly about it.

We finally called it a night and started walking towards the car. KT was very pleased with the evening and thanked me for inviting him. He added that he thinks I have a nice group of friends. I agreed. Then I asked him a little more about his Virginia trip. He'll be gone from Friday afternoon through Sunday for a wedding.

As we drove back to my place, it was clear that he was a little envious of my circle of friends. He talked about how he is still trying to establish a group to hang out with. He repeated his earlier comments about only having the much younger church friends and married friends at this time.

"So what happened with the house you were interested in?"

"Yeah, I decided not to put in an offer. It just didn't feel right."

"Is this something you plan to live in long-term or this something just for now?

"Something for now I guess. Since my base of friends is here in the valley, that's where I'm aiming for now. Even with the current market conditions, I figure it's still a better option with all the tax writeoffs than putting rent money down the drain."

"Do you also want to stay... within a close distance of your family?"

"No (firmly), I'd actually rather live in a place like EB or the Hills if I could. It appeals to me because I suppose I have this idea that it's more intellectual and more interesting people to meet. But since I don't know many people yet, I've put off that idea." (Wow, he doesn't want to live near mom?)

I tried to joke that he is attracted to things EB, but it didn't work.

Then KT asked, "where do you think people around our age spend their time these days?"

I shared how I enjoy spending time with my friends, but that it doesn't necessarily help me meet new people because I've met most of their friends over the years. I also added that over time people have gotten married or couples are planning to have children which will change the dynamics of our group. He definitely agreed with this and added about how married couples start hanging out together. My response to that was that it was very true and it kind of puts pressure on everyone else to catch up so that we can all be on the same level again... . I mentioned how it's rare these days for me to make new friends. Chi is probably the first de novo friendship I've developed in many years. Everyone else (for the most part) are people I've know between five and ten years now. He expressed that he really liked my group of friends.

[I can't help it. The latter part of our car conversation made me feel unsettled. Here we'd had this fun night and somehow I was mentally questioning his intent. I felt like he wanted my friends more than me. I was concerned that perhaps he was just with me to meet new people. I began to question whether these have been dates.]

A date goodbye?
As we pulled into my driveway, he readjusted the car to ensure I had enough room to get out. He had to get out of the car because my purse was in the trunk. I picked up my umbrella and KT reminded me about my keys under the seat. Walking towards the front door, he started to ask what I was up to for the weekend. Just as I was formulating an answer in my head, I stepped on a snail. (Damn, I was trying to test whether I would get to see him Saturday.) Once I heard the crunch of the shell, the conversation detoured into the numerous snails in California and the various methods of killing the plant-eating pests.

And when it was time to say goodnight, the thought of inviting him in didn't even cross my mind. I was too tired (and maybe a little to goal-oriented about getting another date - relax!).

As I hugged him he said, "Thanks for inviting me dancing."

"Yeah, this was fun. So you'll be gone all next weekend? You would have been invited to the games party."

He nodded in affirmation and looked pleased (in a shy or embarrassed way) to have been included. "I hope you'll have another games night soon. Maybe I can host one when I have my place."

[Awkward pause] I moved forward and gave him a hug. I wish I could remember if he had any reaction.

"So... if you have any time next week, give me a call so we can get together before you go?"

"Okay. Goodnight."

Should I be saying this? See why I'm so confused as to whether we're dating? I know he's shy but... why can't he ask me for a date in person? Did I miss the memo about being friends? [I'm ruining this whole date story by complaining aren't I?]

Saturday morning foolery
I managed to stay asleep for one full REM cycle but then found myself waking up periodically throughout the early morning. ARGHGHGH! By 9:30am, I pulled myself from the bed. In my half sleep state, I had been thinking back to our goodnight. I couldn't help think (hope) that he had been asking about my weekend in planning to try and see me again.

I think my boldness (and willingness to look like a desperate fool) has reached new heights. Here's the e-mail I sent:

"Good morning! Either I'm getting too old to stay up late or I really
got my exercise last night because I fell asleep as soon as my head
hit the pillow. :) I'm glad you had a good time dancing and meeting
my friends.

I couldn't help think back to the end of the night when you were
asking me about my weekend. Since I stepped on that snail, the
conversation kind of detoured. I was wondering if you were perhaps
thinking that we could do something else together this weekend? If
so, I'd be up for something mellow tonight like renting a DVD or
something. Give me a call if that's appealing to you."

I'm probably totally off base. (But my faux magic 8-ball said that this was a good idea... :p) You know I'll spend all afternoon hoping the phone will ring... and it won't. At least I think I've made myself clear that I like him and want to see him. How can that be a bad thing?

Part I: 80s dancing date

(You know how much I love detail, so get comfy...)

Okay, so... I have to admit I was rather ambivalent much of Friday about the date. Part of me was looking forward to seeing KT, but strangely another part of me felt like it had been forever since our last date and just felt kind of blah.

At Work
I got kind of silly at the end of the day. My cubicle neighbors overheard one of my conversations about the impending date and asked a few questions. As the day was wrapping up, I yelled over the cubicles, "Can I ask a question? Do I invite him in when he comes to pick me up?"

Eyes immediately said, "yes, invite him in for a drink. Offer him a glass of wine."

"But I don't have any wine. I don't want to open a bottle of wine. That's for next week," I loudly replied.

"Why not? Is it an expensive bottle?"

"Yes, it's a $90 dollar bottle of wine. Besides I don't know if he even drinks wine."

"Okay, well just invite him and see what he does."

I know, I'm lame. I have no clue about dating etiquette. Hence why I'm always asking other people. Maybe guys have the wrong impression of me as I do KT (but hopefully it's not as severe :-S).

Waiting for the door bell
KT missed some manners because he never gave me an idea of when he thought he would arrive at my place. I assumed we were aiming for 7pm if all went well for him at work. I scurried around to tidy up my place a bit. I purposely left some random piles of stuff because I wanted him to see how I normally live - i.e. cluttered. Unfortunately, that also meant I discovered an unwelcome pile of tiny black dots in my extra bedroom. It freaks me out because it means I have pests of some kind... probably termites. :(( Yech!

As the time passed, I didn't know what to do with myself. I put on some music and went upstairs to fold the laundry that had been sitting on the floor since Monday. When I noticed it was 7:20pm I began to wonder why he had't at least called to tell me he was running late. At 7:30pm, I tried calling his cell phone but without even one ring it immediately directed me to voicemail. I hung up without leaving a message and remember thinking "his seminar couldn't run this late?"

I was getting cold and sad, not a good combination. I wanted to nap on the couch but knew feeling groggy wouldn't be a good way to answer the door. The clock read 7:50pm and I was feeling very upset. I couldn't help think that maybe I'd been stood up. At what point do I drive myself to the theatre? But I also know he's not that type of person. Still it was very frustrating to be able to do nothing. This time when I called and got his voicemail, I left a message. "Hi, I know you said your seminar might run a little late. Give me a call as soon as you can and let me know where you are." I felt totally dejected.

Finally, a little after 8pm, the door bell rang. There he was, new hair cut and all, wearing his waterproof jacket. He was wearing a blue, vertical striped shirt with a black t-shirt just peeking out over an upper button. His bottom half was black with a noticeable rectangle, silver buckle. He immediately apologized and said that his phone wasn't working. He was worried that perhaps he forgot to pay the bill and they'd disconnected his service. I invited him to come inside.

He kind of tethered himself to the front entry way I walked back towards the living room to grab my purse and coat. I guess I kind of rushed myself out since we were so late on starting dinner. He had me stand in the doorway area outside and brought the car to my front door so I wouldn't get wet walking in the rain. :)

Sushi Dinner
KT was still fumbling with his phone as we parked at the restaurant. Since his phone hadn't been working for several hours he was concerned his parents or someone else would be concerned. They had driven down to Sdo to visit his younger brother. He turned his phone off and on to get it to work again.

After being seated, he looked a bit anxious. He then apologized and said he needed to make one quick call to his brother to check that his parents had arrived safely. I browsed the sushi menu to keep myself busy and not appear too nosy. Basically, he said his to his brother and asked if his parents made it to his place. Then his brother must have asked if he wanted to talk to the parents. KT hesitated and then said, "sure, put them on."

At first, KT, I presume, was speaking in Fuj because it sounded totally different that anything I had heard. I wish he had spoken longer because I liked the sounds and was very intrigued by it. The small bit I heard seemed like pleasant beeps if that makes any sense. Then there was a switch to Mandarin. He said "hao" a couple times and then some English "I'll take care of that" and "okay" before hanging up.

He quickly explained that the first person he spoke to was Dad. His dad was all excited about the 6-cylinder car rental they had been given. KT showed that same expression adult kids all have when we know we have to let our parents talk even though it's not really something we need to listen to but we want them to be happy. :)

We were careful not to order too much. We've always had a large amount of leftovers from dinner. I told KT that I'd rather undereat than overorder, especially since we were going dancing, and he was in agreement. I learned that he does not like unagi (more for me ;)). So we ordered a nigiri sampler and some extra hamachi and maguro nigiri.

The conversation seemed a little winded. Somehow it just didn't feel so intimate this time. Plus, every so often he make some wincing faces. When I asked what was wrong, he paused, searching for the appropriate words, and vaguely expressed that he might be feeling some discomfort. (Obviously, he learned from last week to limit the level of detail. ;))He reasoned that being a doctor you can pick up some strange things from your patients. My mind experienced a large "UGH" and I just couldn't help think this relationship is jinxed.

We covered some fairly esoteric and dry topics (to the average person). We started talking about pharmaceutical sales reps and the perks he used to get from them. The industry has been forced to change many of their practices the past few years. (You know he never really asks me about my work.) And then in talking about his HMO, KT mentioned the formulary policies and how they don't always encourage the use of the most effective drug versus the most cost-efficient drug, an example being Allegra or Zyrtec versus Claritin. When Claritin became an over-the-counter medication, the physicians were directed to move allergy prescriptions to this to reduce costs even though many felt it was not very effective. Then, once Allegra became generic, they were all told to move patients to this drug because it was better than Claritin. I started bringing up how it will be interesting to see his organization's reaction to when blockbuster drugs like Zoloft and Plavix lose patent protection in the coming years. Yeah, okay, I know, say what? ;)

He was a trooper and ate dinner. I couldn't help point out that he would take his nigiri apart, eating the rice first and then the fish slice. When I asked him about it, he said that he was afraid of it falling apart if he tried to take a bit of it together. (Was he trying to not look sloppy in front of me?) At the end, I asked him how he was feeling, and he thought maybe his stomach just needed a little food.

Somewhere in the conversation, the topic of college rivalries was brought up. I honestly don't recall how - oh, because UCLA was the college team people talked about where I grew up. I asked him who he would root for if he had to choose between UCLA or USC. Somewhere, he mentioned knowing EB or R alum who married USC alums. I distinctly remember him adding that he knew some R people who married EBs and things worked out fine. (Overanalysis alarm... is he trying to imply something? ;)) I told him that my cousin and her husband worked out a good compromise being from EB and USC. Each of their two cars has both license plate frames - one in front, one in back. They simply reverse them so that each school plate shows one time in the front, and one time on the back side. :) My cousin once tried to pants her youngest brother because he dared to walk around her house wearing an EB t-shirt and an R pair of shorts. You just can't do that; it's just wrong. ;)

The clock read 9:10pm (the show started around 9pm), so we asked for the bill. KT pulled out his wallet and produced a $20. I looked over and asked, "you got it?" He nodded and then pulled out a few $1 bills to cover the tip. He seemed very surprised and proud to have the exact change for the evening.

Going to the Theatre
On the drive up to RWC, we chatted about friends. I was telling KT that I might be doing a little swing dancing to 80s music with my friend. He said something like, "sure, go for it," as if I was asking for permission to dance with another man. We talked a little about hiking and he was telling me about the places where he liked to go when he was in med school. I then asked if he liked to go camping. He said while his friends have talked about, they've never gone.

That kind of gave me the opportunity to ask something that I've always forgotten. I was curious to know who his friends are. He said there are people from residency. His church group is nice but younger crowd. He also has friends from high school, but most of them are married. He had some good friends in college but he commented that they kind of went their own ways with their studies and lost touch.

He talked about one friend in particular who is very social. One night he'll go play board games (I think) with the Catholic group. KT made some comment about how his friend says that board games are for the Christian right because it's the only wholesome thing to do. The following night, this guy will go out and party and drink heavily. This seemed amusing to KT. I'm not sure if he felt caught somewhere in between about how to be social, how to be cool. I made it pretty clear that I thought playing board games is fine because that's what me and my friends like to do.

Somehow we got on the topic of my friends. I mentioned an interesting fact that even though many of my friends also went to EB, we didn't know each other from school. He thought that was interesting. In fact, I met most of my current close friends from one "seed" - my good friend from high school roomming with a Kata. Amazing how things happen like that.

As we approached the main street area, KT asked me if I've ever gone to karaoke.

"Sure, you me those little booths you can rent for the evening? My friend is Korean and she's taken me a few times when I visited LA. There's some in Clar right?" (Gosh I babble too long don't I?)

"Yeah, there's that. There's also a Chinese one that opened in Teo. Do you like singing?"

"Oh yeah," I confessed, "I'm one of those people you'll see driving along singing to the music."

"Ah, then we really need to take you out for some karaoke." (Aww, is he thinking about where to take me for a future date? ;))

And I had to keep going for some silly reason, "yeah, I also have Karaoke Revolution for PS2." (Come on, ask HIM a question will you?)

We parked pretty easily in a lot across the way from the theatre. There's some major construction going on in the local downtown. It's clear the city is trying to revitalize the sleepy little mainstreet. It should be a nice place to hang out when it's all done. It's must have been around 9:30pm as we walked toward the theatre.

As we came around one corner, the people walking towards us seemed familiar to me. Half the group I expected to see on the dance floor was leaving? TJ was the first to notice me and say "hey." As if everyone else had been in soft focus, I suddenly recognized their faces - Ig, Em, Ma, and Wand. I told TJ how disappointed I was that we wouldn't get to dance! They told us how they couldn't get tickets for the show and were headed over to TJ's to hang out. Ma then extended his hand out and introduced himself to KT. I felt bad about missing that one. I followed up by introducing him to the rest of the people in the group. I asked Ma about the new house and he commented how they're still cleaning up the water in the garage. (I can't help wonder how curious TJ was to know who I was with. We don't talk to often anymore, so I'm sure it was news to him. :))

Limiting my addiction

So I've always been into writing. I have hand written journals dating back as far as when I was 10 years old. I still remember the first journal I was given as a birthday gift. It was a pink and white checkered journal with Hello Kitty on the front. At first I wasn't sure what to do with it. I used to love writing about running to the arcade next door to play Ms. Pac Man while my mom went grocery shopping.

The thing about writing by hand is you can read some impression out of the handwriting itself. Small letters, sloppy loops, careening lines, the pressure indents in the paper can indicate the joy, the anger, the urgency behind the subject matter. It means a lot because it summarizes thoughts that have built up and need to be sifted and sorted. I love pulling out an old journal once a year and reading a few of the entries. It's amazing the emotions it conjures and the perspective it can provide about who you were and who you are. I still try and write in one today, but I find that my hand gets tired very quickly and the entries can be spotty.

Blogging is very instantaneous. Sometimes it captures random thoughts from the heat of the moment. Reading through some of my entries the past few weeks, I realize how wild my thoughts and emotions can be from one moment to the next. I worry that recording these swings in mood encourages my mind to run amuck. I should be enjoying dating not overanalyzing it.

So, as of today, I'm going to try something. I'm still going to complain, theorize, and bubble with joy, just maybe only once a day. :) I want to see if this will help me get a grip and not take things so seriously (or jump to conclusions) when I should just be enjoying life. I seem to remember an article or blog entry somewhere the described how it's a bad sign if you're spending more time writing about the relationship than having it.

I'll hear from KT eventually. I'll work out a date with striped shirt guy for Saturday. And somewhere in between all that, maybe I'll get some work done... because I like getting a paycheck.

Drumming my fingers

So here I am, just home from a retail therapy session that turned into a dinner and chat session with Hula and C3. We'll make up the retail therapy on Sunday. :)

It was funny because my two girls friends are both married. When I mentioned my concern about being too close to his mother and what that might mean long term, C3 questioned whether I was thinking a bit far ahead. Once I detailed the movie conversation where he said he takes Mom to the movies, she understood why it was already on my mind. There was only complete agreement from both of them that this was a valid question. Both of them laughed and teased me knowing that this could very well be a challenge.

I admittedly kept the phone nearby in case KT tried to call. We left the restaurant at 10pm and NOTHING. Can you tell I was mad? He's the one who said he'd get back to me about his schedule. Maybe I've misinterpreted and he means he'll let me know on Friday afternoon? I guess this is his default way of making a decision... argh. My e-mail clearly showed that if we were joining my friends that I needed to change the number of the seats for the reservation. Now what do I do? The whole time driving home I kept repeating to myself, "I'm not calling him, I'm not calling him," through my gritted teeth.

Still, I kept hopeful and thought that maybe I'd find an e-mail response waiting for me at home. Not exactly what I would have preferred but something. When I logged in, my inbox showed 5 new e-mails. Alas, they were just from my friends thanking each other for our great Tuesday night dinner.

... well... there really isn't much to say is there... or... there is but it wouldn't be very nice... and I wouldn't want to regret it later.

In my current, altered state, I'd say he's got one life left (and I'm allergic to cats). I like him, but I just don't think I have the patience for this anymore. :( I've let myself get my hopes up too much about this guy.

I guess we'll hear from him tomorrow... I'm going to sleep now and dream of meeting better men. ;)

Confessing to the middleperson

I wrote Three a reply. Damn it was long... she's gonna think I'm crazy. I wrote part of it last night before going to bed because I knew it would eat up quite a bit of time. I think I was pretty honest about my feelings. I kept focusing on her last question - "Are you interested in him?"

I shared with her the various theories I've been given - shyness, dating multiple people, and not being that interested. I also agreed with her observation that he's a geek trying to fit in. (Aren't we all trying to feel like we fit in somewhere?)

I turned down her theory about work load. I also informed her about his current living status and my impression of how that influences his choices.

I really spelled it out for her (she'll be rolling her eyes when she sees it) by constructing a no nonsense timeline of our various get togethers to drive home the long pauses in between. In fact I think it's a good summary for anyone who can't quite remember:

- Jan 28: We met and exchanged e-mails (he initiated)
- Feb 6: He e-mails me about meeting for dinner (I give him my phone
number)
- Feb 16: Met for dinner, but he brought his friend Larry and we split
the bill
- Feb 28: (Tues) E-mails me about having dinner on Thurs, I had
already made plans
- Mar 2: He joined me and my friend at Old Pro to watch an EB
basketball game. He indicates he'll see me "soon."
- Mar 14: (Tues) E-mails about having dinner on Thurs
- Mar 16: We have dinner. He's very sweet, pays for dinner, and lends
me his jacket so I won't get wet walking to the car. Just says
"goodnight."
- We e-mail a bunch in the few days afterwards, but he never asks for
a date.
- Mar 28: Called me late evening to ask about dinner and a movie :)
- Apr 1: We go out for dinner and movie. We had a fun time. He was so
nervous/distracted that he forgot to pay the bill for dinner. At the
end of the night, I gave him a hug because it was clear he wasn't
going to try and touch me.
- Apr 2: sent me an e-mail around 9pm saying he had a fun time and
wishes me a good week

I explained my growing ambivalence and desire to be treated a little better. I think I provided a fair answer to her question:

"I know that I am attracted to him. I do like him so far and
would like to spend more time with him. ... I feel like I get
mixed messages from him. I probably have my own issues with being
afraid to get too close for fear of being hurt if it turns out he's
not that interested."

I think I tried also to be fair in saying:

"I don't want to make it sound like it's
all on him; there have been times when I probably left things vague
too. No one's perfect, and I certainly acknowledge I must need to
work on something myself to still be single."

It's all probably much more information than she was asking for. (Doesn't she realize I wouldn't be asking all this unless I *am* interested in dating KT?) I've laid my cards out on the table. My only fear is that somehow this would all get back to KT. I doubt it, I can't imagine Three or Kei doing anything like that, but then accidents happen. More than anyone else I can talk to, I would trust their opinion because they at least knew him a for a few years (or maybe their biased?). Yes, it was more than a decade ago, but it's the best I have to go on (unless I want to pry it out of my dentist ;)).

Think he'll call tonight? (If he just sends e-mail I'm going to want to ring his neck. Why do I put up with this if I'm getting so aggravated?) Okay... back to work.

Much better style

Hey, speaking of striped shirt guy, he wrote me this a couple hours ago:

"I know this is kind of short notice, but I was wondering if you would
like to get together this weekend. I think either Saturday or Sunday
works for me. Please let me know if you have some time."

I'd give this high marks for honesty (acknowledging that he knows about asking in advance next time) and showing interest with flexibility. (Am I being full of myself right now?)

You know I was just thinking I remember almost nothing of our initial conversation. This is going to be like a blind date when we meet up. Lunch might be a more appropriate choice of venue eh?

I wrote him back explaining that I can't give him a definitive answer until tomorrow. I agreed to go shopping/hiking (depending on the weather) with a friend, so I have to talk to her tonight about what time.

On first impression I'm still more attracted to KT, but we'll see what happens. I gave KT the option of seeing me this weekend and he's hasn't said a thing. You snooze, you lose!

Wow, potentially two dates in one weekend! What a novelty... not since summer 2004. ;)

Oh, yeah, that other person

So in the midst of all this I never heard anything back from the two speed daters. I guess Gof just thinks we're friends. It's too bad he couldn't make it to the movie that weekend. [sarcastic half laugh] Maybe he's got the same insecurity/nervous issue at KT. Imagine juggling two guys like this? [chills run through my arms]

Striped shirt man was supposed to return from his business/vacation trip yesterday. I gave him my phone number and indicated he should call when he got back. Maybe the interest has faded now that some four weeks have passed. It happens.

There is another speed dating event this weekend, but neither Sh, Suna, or I have any inclination to go (wow we're passing up something that's FREE ;) ). While it was entertaining I think Suna's going to give the online dating route a try. Sh always does fine because either she meets a friend of a friend or gets set up.

Hmmmm, speaking of that... I've never heard anything from that friend of Lips. I wonder if they chatted? I've been so buried in KT drama that that fell off my radar. (Or, admittedly, I'm hoping I don't need to go that route.) Depending on how this weekend goes with KT, I'll follow up next week.

More insight from old friends

Three just wrote back again. She and her husband talked a little about me dating KT. Needless to say, she isn't too surprised about my frustration.

"Hmmm... that sounds like KT. Again, he is a very sweet and genuine guy, but I seem to remember that dating was not one of his strengths. :) He's a book smart guy who tried to "fit in" with the "cool guys" -- does this make sense at all? I'm not trying to make KT out to be a geek, but if you had to draw a line, he'd be on the geek side but a nice one. :)"

Yeah, not a surprise to me. This speaks to the insecurity I've suspected he has and perhaps why he needed some religion to give him comfort and a sense of being.

"Not sure if this helping you or making you more depressed, but if KT hasn't changed since [college] in terms of his personality, he really is a good guy and may be worth waiting for if you are still interested. I just think it sounds like he is still nervous around women which doesn't surprise me. Are you interested in him?"

KT has a lot of things I want, BUT this one problem is a little bigger than I might be able to handle. I want him to like me; I want to hold hands with him; I want us to be in love. [EXHALE] I would agree that he is a gem in the rough. What does she mean by wait? Wait for him to get a clue? God, that might be years if he's supposed to figure that out by himself! Believe me, I'm sympathetic but should I invest my time in him?

Two gold stars

If my therapist handed out rewards, I would have gotten two stars this week. It's amazing how much stuff I had to catch her up on since last week.

We laughed about the cold sore apology and the forgotten bill. She could offer no new insight into why he won't pick me up or doesn't think to drive the two of us. I think she was satisfied that I gave KT a hug. His shyness or some form of insecurity is limiting where we can go with this. She could see my frustration despite having a good time overall.

Next, I described his Sunday night e-mail and how I threw caution to the wind and invited him to dancing on Friday. She praised me for taking action. I don't think she believed that I would do anything. (Well, sure I wasn't positive I would either.) She seemed excited at the prospect that I had upped the stakes in this budding relationship.

I also mentioned the somewhat disappointing call I had with him last night. I just don't feel like he wants to engage. For Friday, I suggested he stop by my place before the dancing, that way he could also change clothes. He said he didn't want to inconvenience me and said he just stop by home. I tried to reassure him it was no big deal. He made sure to close the door on the idea by saying that he might want to go home and shower as well. KT said we could meet up at the chosen restaurant for dinner. [Uhhhhhgh, come on man you're killing me.] In another moment we talked about Mandarin self-study and the need to practice speaking it. I offered the idea we could talk to each other in Mandarin and KT shot me down saying he practices with his mom. He commented that his accent isn't that good and that it makes sense to practice with someone who has the accent correct. [Ouch! My accent's not *that* bad.] Yeah, so I ended that conversation feeling a bit shut out. Do you think he realizes? I need to say something because bottling this up will just make me upset and ambivalent towards him.

She seemed really impressed at my move today. I told her that I wrote him back after my friend e-mailed about whether I would join the group for dinner. Suna set instructions about calling the restaurant and changing the number of seats for the reservation. I forwarded him the message and added a quick explanation:

"So did you sleep in a little this morning? If so, I'm jealous. :)

For Friday, I wanted to double check with you. Since it's a Lent
Friday, I was thinking if we go for dinner on our own we could have
sushi or maybe go to Pluto's for salads. Or, if you want, we could
catch up with my friends for dinner. Since it's Middle Eastern
they'll have some non-meat dishes, like falafel, though I presume
there wouldn't be any seafood. Think about it and let me know."

And then I decided there was something missing. The words came pretty easily but I had to think about whether it was the right thing to say.

"... I'm fine either way. If we hang out with the group Friday maybe
we could spend some time together over the weekend. Think about it
and let me know.

Have a good day off!"

It's the "weekend" part that scared me. All my breathing slowed, I couldn't believe my eyes that I had written something like this. It felt like I stared at those words for forever. What would he think? Would he understand that I want to make sure we have some one-on-one time? Would he take advantage of my offer and see me more than once in a week? Or, would he back off thinking that I'm moving too fast?

My co-workers, Tales, walked in just then. I said good morning to her and then asked her to come read it. I was really freaked out. She took her time reading it. I'm not sure that she interpreted it the way I did. She had a smile on her face as if to say I was silly. She jokingly threatened to hit "Send" herself if I didn't.

So I did send off the e-mail to KT. I was so nervous about it, but I also knew he was likely out for the day running errands and would not answer for awhile. When he did finally reply in the late afternoon, his response seemed rather business-like - no mention of his day or asking me any light-hearted question.

"Thanks for looking out after my religious interests. Being the less-than-wary Catholic, I had momentarily forgotten about no-meat-on-Friday.

Either seafood or falafel would be ok. Friday afternoon, it's turns out I have a seminar at work. Hopefully, this will mean I can finish earlier since there wouldn't be the possibility of having my clinic schedule overbooked. However, some seminar sessions to tend to run overtime...

I will try to find out the approximate schedule and get back to you."

Regardless, my therapist was happy for me. We talked about how we both agree that regardless of how things turn out, this is a learning experience for me. I had already made such comments to my skeptical friends. In a way, you could call this training. I'm still trying to learn to assert myself and make my needs known rather than wait for what I want. She reminded me that relationships are not about "testing" people to see if they will do what you want, it's about communicating and teaching/learning with each other.

I'm still nervous. Nobody likes getting hurt.

Up for inspection

I called KT briefly last night. It turns out he had e-mailed me minutes before I called. He said that 80s dancing sounds good and then asked if this was a group thing. I confirmed that was the case. I could have asked if he was comfortable with that. Does he think he's being tested?

This'll be interesting. There will be more than a dozen people there, half of whom are people I consider friends. It will be enlightening to see how he interacts with them. I am very curious to see how he dances (oh please don't embarrass me). I never got to see my ex, Ryan, dance at a club. He was fine with ballroom stuff; it was weird to imagine him grooving to the music. Hopefully KT will be okay given his social stuff in college and down in LA. I wonder what he'll think of my dancing? Maybe it'll be too sexy for shy boy. ;)

Differing opinions

I've probably told six or seven girlfriends the ongoing details of my dates and interactions with KT. They seen me surprised, confused, frustrated, happy, annoyed, hopeful, you name it.

It's been interesting to hear people's different opinions and levels of tolerance. A few have been very kind and supportive of the relationship, saying to keep trying and be patient because he seemed shy. The middle opinion is that I need to sit down and lay down my cards, per se, and see if he'll provide some clarification about what his intentions. The extreme is to bail on him altogether and find someone who will treat me the way I want.

It just goes to show you there's no right answer in dating. It's just so hard for me to balance out my desire to give him a chance versus not getting too attached if he's not that into me. I want to put in a fair effort, but I don't want to feel like a fool or a doormate.

I went back and looked at my list from a couple days ago. One thing stands out to me right now:

"Apparent lack of dating experience: Does he have any ounce of romance in him? Would I miss it? Do I feel comfortable if I have to drive this relationship?"

All I can do is stare at this... either my mind just goes blank or starts running a mile a minute. Part of me also needs to make sure that this isn't just a challenge for myself. I worry that I subconsciously am treating this like a game to win.

What will I do? How will he react? Dating is so stressful...

Revelation!

Wow, Three wrote back rather quickly this time. It's the last e-mail I expected. And I have to say I am now somewhat relieved to know a little more about KT. It would seem his dating habits haven't changed much since college:

"The baby is napping so I have a quick few minutes to write back. Wow -- you're dating KT? Is he a doctor? If so, yes, Kei and I both know him. KT and I lived in the same dorm and he is one of Kei's [fraternity] brothers. Anyway, maybe I should ask you what you think of him first before I tell you my side of the story. :) He is a really nice guy and very sweet. As I recall, he had a tough time with the chicks at R only because he would be nervous around them -- does that make sense? Where is he working nowadays?

The best way I can describe [him] in terms of someone we know is Frank. That wasn't suppose to be mean or anything but gives you an idea about personality, etc. Does that sound about right? Let me know -- good luck! :)"

Oh thank goodness it's just shyness. I couldn't help laugh a little after reading it. It's just so strange to learn this after all the drama I've been creating the past month. Frank was another classmate of ours in grad school. He was the nicest guy, but rather quiet. I remember IMing him the year after school when he was interested in this girl, Gina. He just seemed so lost.

SOOOOOO glad I asked Three about KT. Maybe I'll give him a call tonight and see if he's up for 80s dancing. :)

Then again, perhaps I should first ask myself whether I can live with this personality trait or if there's a way to work on it.

Should I have?

Again, being impulsive and curious... I sent an e-mail to someone asking about KT. It's a classmate from grad school who I haven't really talked to since graduating. I wrote Three an e-mail about a month a half ago congratulating her on her second child. She replied last night.

I cautioned to her that it's early and I don't know what will happen. I just asked if she remembered him and whether she had any thoughts about him. Both she and her husband should remember him from college. Should I have asked? Eeeck (gritting my teeth) I hope this isn't weird. I'm curious what Three might be able to tell me about his personality. Maybe it will give me some insight into his flakiness/cluelessness?

I held my cursor over the "Send" button for the longest time, fretting over the action (a little voice in me moaning, "don't go there"). I pinched my eyes shut as the screen processed the command. Part of me feels absolute dread over poking around. Besides, they haven't talked to him since college so how much will still be true of KT? Of course, she's so busy with family and work I may not hear from her for a month. ;)

What is this feeling?

How do distinguish between general attraction and affection for a specific person? Some of my friends have been asking how I feel about KT. Honestly, I'm not sure how to answer that... . I'm probably overthinking this whole thing.

I will say that I am attracted to him. He fits the type of person that I always have an initial interest in. The question is whether I've gotten beyond that and like him based on what I've learned from spending time from him. I'm probably second guessing myself because I just haven't done well with relationships the past few years. I doubt my own judgment.

My opinion of him is a combination of what I want and what I learned I *should* want. Yes, I admit it, my mother's influences have penetrated my thinking. I shutter to think how I may be gradually transforming into her.

So here's the list, see if you can tell what's me versus the Chinese cultural influence:

- Attractive to me: I seem to have a thing for men in nice glasses (just let me tell you how much I want to press my body against his ;) )
- Good height ~5'9" or so
- Chinese: cultural connection
- Quiet: The silent type thing perhaps conveys to me a sense of peace I seek in my life. Otherwise it's so opposite to what I actually want, i.e. more extrovert than me.
- Smart: my rival school and med school are both good
- He's a doctor: Yes, part of this is probably cultural but honestly I kind of like having someone to talk to in a related industry. Dating an attorney just didn't work.
- All the coincidental people we both know (It's not really a trait rather more a reassurance that he might have good character.)
- Since he's a pediatrician, you'd assume he wants kids
- Humor: We can tease each other about being college rivals and laugh
- Good relationship with his parents (although I'm starting to see this might be a double-edged sword considering how close he seems to be to his mom)
- I feel comfortable talking to him and we can seem to talk about anything
- Interests in common: Being outdoors like hiking and snow sports, we'll see if he can dance
- Values: There are assumptions I would like to make based on the fact he's Chinese and Catholic, but how dangerous is that?
- Financials: Here's the big practical advantage he can offer - stability and security

And now you might ask if there's anything that concerns me at this stage:

- Flakiness, I don't know if this is ignorance or indifference
- Religion: So how Catholic is he? Would he expect me to convert?
- He's a doctor: So what does that mean for his work hours and ability to take vacation?
- Relationship with mom: How much would I be expected to care for her in the long run? Would she approve of me?
- Apparent lack of dating experience: Does he have any ounce of romance in him? Would I miss it? Do I feel comfortable if I have to drive this relationship?
- Dorkiness factor: Well, all of my friends, me included, have some in one form or another so it'd have to be pretty bad


Unknowns that are yet to be determined:

- Priorities: where would I finish in his life? Does blood come first?
- Baggage: What insecurities and dramas does he carry in his heart? Are they things that he's put to bed or must I face them with him?
- Money: How does he spend it? Will it be reasonably in line with my habits?
- Child rearing philosophies: Will they be similar?
- Are we able to emotionally able to connect with each other and build intimacy?
- Will he get along with and be approved by my friends? Their opinion means something to me - disaster check.

My personal fears:

- I'm not funny enough, too serious, too literal about things
- My bad habits, such as interupting people, shows it's ugly head too much
- The conversations get boring; I'm not smart enough for him
- He's creating too perfect an image of who I am that can only result in disappointment
- I change myself because I think that's what he wants
- I fail to communicate my feelings and become passive-agressive
- I'm too independent and stubborn
- I get too needy and insecure

It's still way early in this dating scenario. But this is what's on my mind. I suppose it's helpful to see it spelled out be them silly, stupid, or sensible.

So much for being rational

Well, I thought I'd wait until tonight to respond to KT. And now, I just tossed that plan out the window. It's that annoying little part of me that is impatient and acts rashly.

I have to run to a series of three different meetings now... . So I typed up a quick e-mail to him. I didn't respond to anything from last night's e-mail. I simply wrote that I'm swamped today and would he be interested in some 80s dancing on Friday. It'll give us something to talk about later.

We shall see... at least I know it doesn't sound stupid. :p

(Hmmm... is it too soon to have him meet my friends... this is a group event.)

"Mismatched.com"

It may require a subscription to read this article at WSJ, but it's a very interesting (though flawed) commentary about online dating that came out in this weekend's edition.

http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB114384627003413965-2XVceV35D4JuD4oJ0dlBSeFBDM0_20070401.html?mod=blogs

I thought some of the couples they highlighted were odd because you'd think people would talk about certain issues before getting hitched. I think it identifies a couple of the reasons I have chosen to no longer do online dating - mainly relying to heavily on e-mail communications and missing out on facial expressions and voice intonations that can only come from in-person contact. I'm just as guilty as many others of being too chicken to face people because I'm afraid of rejection or the awkward need to reject. (But I'm working on it.)

I'm not putting down online dating. I think it definitely depends on your maturity, your attitude going into it, and what you want to get out of it. I just know it's not for me.

********************************************************************************
Mismatched.com

About two million Americans met their spouses online. Now the divorces are starting. How dating Web sites are scrambling to make sure forever really is forever
By ELLEN GAMERMAN
April 1, 2006; Page P1

In 1995, Matt Frassica, tired of singles bars and set-ups by friends, tried his hand at dating online. There he met, and later married, a woman who also liked long walks in the rain and homemade lasagna. They were even featured in People magazine as a prototype of successful cyber-romance.

Then the fairy tale ended. Mr. Frassica said he realized he was gay, and the divorce was official last year. "We avoided getting to know the real person," says the 34-year-old corporate recruiter in San Francisco. "All we knew was the profiles of each other." (His ex-wife confirms that.)

TEN WAYS TO FIND YOUR LOVER


• Some of the largest Internet dating sites are seeking new ways to stand out.

More than a decade after the Internet revolutionized dating -- about two million Americans met their spouses online, by one measure -- the sites face a new challenge: keeping these couples together. While most sites started out focusing on dating, they are increasingly using their success in the marriage arena as a marketing tool -- making the stakes higher if these unions start to go south.

While many happily married couples say they may never have found a mate offline, there are already indications that meeting a spouse on the Web comes with its own set of potential pitfalls. Some divorce cases, for example, highlight false claims made in the online profiles that led to the initial attraction. In addition, of course, there are the natural perils that can come with getting to know a person virtually instead of the old-fashioned way.

Now, sites are stepping up their efforts to ensure that matches last. EHarmony.com is opening a new "relationship lab" this summer where some couples who met through the site will be monitored for at least five years to see how the marriages fare. In an initiative dubbed "Project Moses" internally, JDate.com, a Jewish singles site, is contracting a dating coach to train customer-service representatives in relationship counseling for couples who call in. True.com pitches a compatibility test (patent pending) that it says follows standards set by the American Psychological Association; one aim is to reduce divorce.

The emphasis on marriage and marriage sustenance is what these sites say they need to do to continue to expand their business. After double- and triple-digit growth in some recent years, spending on online dating rose by just 7% last year, according to a report by the Online Publishers Association, a trade group. The report shows that for the first time since 2002, music and video downloads surpassed online dating as a top revenue-maker on the Web. (Adult entertainment probably trumps them all, according to some market researchers, though figures are difficult to track.) A recent survey by Jupiter Research says serious daters -- those seeking long-term commitments -- are 63% more likely to pay for online dating than other daters. Such statistics are one reason the sites are taking pains to demonstrate successful track records at the altar.

The quest by dating Web sites to keep passion alive is all the more urgent because demographic statistics would suggest that the first wave of divorces among online daters is just now beginning. The median length of a first marriage that ends in divorce is eight years, according to a Census Bureau survey released last year. Online dating took off in 1995, with Match.com celebrating its 150th wedding two years later. By 2002, this style of dating had become firmly entrenched in the cultural mainstream.

Touting marriage results is now a major part of many sites' business strategies. Match boasts "twice as many marriages as any other site in the world" on its home page, a claim based on last year's survey of 4,800 people on Weddingchannel.com, a Los Angeles-based online-registry and wedding-planning service. Yahoo Personals has a special section devoted to success stories, while eHarmony festoons the hallways of its Pasadena, Calif., headquarters with photos of couples at their weddings, including one with "eHarmony" in icing on a computer-shaped cake.

Though there is no statistical evidence that the break-up rate among online daters is any different from the national average, some divorce lawyers point to anecdotal evidence. Eric Spevak, a New Jersey divorce lawyer, says that as many as one in five of his clients now comes from marriages that started on the Internet. "There's no consequences online -- people can promise you anything, so engagements are shorter and people are rushing in," says Mr. Spevak.

New York divorce lawyer Raoul Felder says he is also seeing more Internet daters splitting up in his practice: "It's usually a relationship based on fantasy or desperation, which doesn't bode well."

False claims on online dating profiles are showing up in court as lawyers use the early dating profiles -- with their fibs about wealth and status -- for character attacks later. Robert Hoover, a lawyer in San Jose, Calif., says he was able to wrest child custody from his client's ex-wife based partly on allegations that she had used her younger sister's photograph in her dating profile to trick men, including her future husband, into emailing her. "If she'd misrepresented herself in that regard, maybe she misrepresents herself in the area of custody," says Mr. Hoover. "That was just brought up to attack her credibility."


Seeking Happily Ever After: After meeting through Yahoo Personals, Carolyn Fellwock and Charlie Watson (left) were married for three years before separating. Plenty still find online love: Newlyweds Anna Murray and Christos Moschovitis met on Match.com.
Marriage counselors and divorce attorneys say they are often struck by how much of what brings people together online ultimately contributes to the undoing of the relationship.

One of the hallmarks of online dating, for example, is the quick intimacy driven by heartfelt profiles that can go on for pages and reveal everything from a person's favorite food to a weakness for tattoos. Focusing on these attributes, some psychologists say, makes potential suitors more likely to overlook someone's downsides. A 2004 Match study said 11% of its married couples were "in love prior to ever meeting face-to-face."

Online courtships also take place initially via email, a notably misleading way of communicating that doesn't take into account tone of voice or facial expressions. And experts say online daters as a group tend to be more interested in marriage and therefore more inclined to jump the gun.

It took Carolyn Fellwock and Charlie Watson only 11 months to tie the knot after meeting on Yahoo Personals -- and three years more to call it quits. The couple's shared appreciation for movie nights and homemade Irish stew turned out to be no match for their bickering over how to discipline their kids from previous marriages or the best way to spend the family savings.

"I can't believe it's over," Ms. Watson now says. "I really did think I'd found a soul mate."

A string of failed relationships can mean more subscriptions for an online dating site, of course, but many companies say they are more interested in building a brand name based on success. With several sites mulling plans to branch into services for other family issues, from child-rearing to troublesome in-laws, companies call a good marriage the foundation for customer loyalty. "If they appear to be happy in their marriage for the first couple of years but it doesn't last, that doesn't do anything for us," says Ron Worthy, product manager for member revenue at BlackPlanet Love, an African American singles site. "We want to build families."


Marriage-Minded: Sites such as eHarmony and Yahoo Personals highlight success stories.
For those relationships that do fail, dating sites have some built-in protections, primarily in the form of waivers members must agree to with the click of a mouse. Match, in language similar to that of other sites, declares itself not liable "for any damages whatsoever" from emotional distress to bodily injury. Sites with personality tests and quasi-counseling also include waivers saying such services are no substitute for professional help.

Match already has some publicity headaches stemming from a recent lawsuit over "date bait" -- flirtatious emails from phony daters to keep subscribers coming back. Yahoo Personals also is being sued for allegedly posting false profiles. Both companies have denied those claims as fraudulent and are fighting the lawsuits, which seek class-action status.

Anna Murray, a 39-year-old New York technology executive, knows the pitfalls of online dating. Her solution: She ran her Match suitors by her therapist. "She'd read between the lines as only a good personality profiler can do," says Ms. Murray, now married. When presented with her future husband's profile, she recalls, her therapist delivered the verdict: "She said, 'He's not a creep.'"

While some sites track their marriage rate closely -- eHarmony says 16,500 of its clients tied the knot in the year ending August 2005 -- others say it's too hard to track accurately. According to the Pew Internet & American Life Project, a nonprofit research organization, an estimated two million married Internet users in America met their spouses online -- that is about half the total number of people who married last year.

To maintain its success rate, eHarmony says it has rejected 1.4 million applicants it deems not marriage material -- they are struggling with addiction, for example, or have more than three failed marriages under their belt. Through its relationship lab, the company hopes even unhappy couples can help the cause of lasting matches; by noticing patterns in failed couplings, eHarmony can tweak its "compatibility matching system" to fix the problem. For example, founder and chairman Neil Clark Warren says he has noticed grieving widows and widowers tend to move too quickly in rebound relationships, creating tensions down the road. "We have an enormous interest in all these couples," says Dr. Warren.

Because the industry relies on subscriptions more than advertising, it isn't surprising that dating sites do everything they can to retain their customers. Former retention specialists for Yahoo Personals describe working on "save teams" where they were paid for every lovelorn subscriber they persuaded to stay. "I'd tell them I was just talking to someone earlier who was getting married after using the service," says Donnie Reibert, who last year left his job at West Corporation, contracted by Yahoo to provide customer service. "I'd tell them, 'Just give it time.' " Yahoo Personals says it no longer offers advice when people call to cancel.

New tactics are being employed to reach out to married couples. At eHarmony, newlyweds can now pay $240 for a 12-session marriage program created by a team of in-house psychologists. JDate encourages couples who met on the site and married to write to its "Mazel Tov" section, but says it doesn't track divorces because it would be logistically difficult.

At Match, a separate success-stories Web site helps the company follow up with daters, and it recently started sending out media tip sheets to encourage newlyweds to tell their stories to the local press. But the company says it has no plans to keep a record of divorces. "A lot of people married, then divorced but remain very good friends. Is it a failure?" says Jim Safka, chief executive of Match. "Looking at divorce rates is a crude and dangerous way to measure things." Mr. Safka adds that the site is for all kinds of relationships, not just marriage.

Says Herb Vest, founder of True.com: "The reason we go to work: to lower the divorce rate." His site requires users to undergo criminal background checks and also analyzes public records to try to ensure that no one on the site is already married and looking for a fling.

Some people who met a spouse online and later divorced aren't losing heart. Some even say they would date online again. Kelly Fleshman, 35, a Web developer from suburban Baltimore, says she doesn't blame the medium for the problems in her marriage. "We got along better than anyone I have ever gotten along with in my life," she says. They ended the marriage last year, and Ms. Fleshman says she's relieved the love notes that started their relationship are nowhere to be found: "I don't have those emails -- that was, like, three or four computers ago."

Write to Ellen Gamerman at ellen.gamerman@wsj.com

What do you want????

Can someone PLEASE help me understand? I thought we had a good time on Saturday. I thought things went well. Did I say something stupid? Does he think I'm a gold-digger? Has he decided he's not interested? Is he just really busy?

At first, I was excited to see that he e-mailed me so promptly after the date. He wrote me a brief e-mail Sunday night:

"Hi Pandax,

How are you? I had a fun time last night. I think when I go back to Cafe, I will stress "not spicy." The movie was enjoyable...not your typical Spike Lee joint. I hope your Sunday went well, despite the rain. I went to a bunch of open-houses today. One has potential...so I'm thinking about making an offer. Anyway, hope you have a good week.

KT"

So here's comes my drama rant... . He never said anything about the food being too spicy at dinner? Where'd that come from? This is becoming "Groundhog Day" because there's nothing here about seeing me again. :( He had fun but... ? Did I scare him off by hugging him?

I can't help it. I just rewatched the episode of "Sex and the City" where Miranda learns "he's just not that into you." I realize it's not universal, there are exceptions. So where does this e-mail fall? I can think of several good excuses for him but I won't discuss them. It's enough detail to say that he took time to write versus just writing a simple, awkward e-mail. But then, I don't feel like he is wanting to see me.

I'm gonna try and sleep tonight without thinking about it. Perhaps it's nothing and I'm being crazy again, but the ambiguity is just too frustrating for me. I need to say something to him in the next day or two. It's just a question of what, when, and how.

My Saturday date

I don't think I've had a Saturday date in a year and a half... until now... and, boy, I don't miss the stress, but I also had a fun time.

Pre-date
I was 5:30pm so I figured I had plenty of time since KT had said we'd aim for 7pm. But as I looked into my closet, paralysis set in. I flipped through every piece of hanging clothing and concluded that I have incredibly boring, non-date clothing.

My friend, Nvy, called just in time to walk me through my crisis. Thank God! I have good clothes it's just that there more work-appropriate, i.e. solid colors. At least most of my clothes are clingy which is what she suggested I wear to show off my body. She suggested I wear a rich color and pair it with a scarf for contrast. We chose my dark purple silk knit top and a burn-out velvet scarf. On the bottom I wore my dark blue, sexy boot cut jeans. Since there was a chance of rain, I chose some patent leather pumps that had strappy heals. Besides the usual touch of eyeliner and neutral eye makeup, I wore some beautiful silver chandelier earrings. In the future, she recommends I go shopping for some long sleeve, cute, date tops... help?

In the midst of my call with Nvy, KT called to confirm. The movie we were aiming to watch was showing at 9:10pm. He hadn't considered buying ticket ahead and preferred to play it by easy. He asked how early I felt comfortable meeting for dinner. I hesitated saying I still needed time to make my hair "normal." KT was sweet to say that he was sure my hair looked fine. Both of us still needed time to get ready so we agreed to have dinner at 6:45pm. As we said goodbye, I reverified whether I was meeting him at the restaurant. (Sigh... is he afraid to drive the extra two miles to pick me up?)

Dinner
Both of us got lucky with parking. KT literally passed me as I got out of my car. I stood looking at a white banner across the street draped across the window of the cafe that read, "Coming Soon: Starbucks," in green lettering. At first I was a gasp, but then reason set in and I realized that it was an April Fool's Joke. Good one. I pointed it out to Ken as he came around the corner.

This was probably the most dressed down I've ever seen him. He wore pale khaki pants with a white shirt that had thin, dark stripes. It was untucked. His hair seemed freshly washed or something because it seemed less groomed, a bit pointy. I can't help looking more closely at his features because the pictures I've seen of him vary a bit. I think his glasses somehow disguise the finer details. He's perhaps not as handsome as I idealized, but I still like him.

The conversation always flows easily between us. I did try and let pauses run a little longer than last time. We kept getting sidetracked and the waiter had to come by four times before we could give him our order. One of the first things he did was apologize to me for his earlier e-mail. He realized it was a bit too much information and felt bad. I assured him it was fine. KT continued to explain that how being medically minded, it's easy to be too clinical. I told him I figured that was the case and said I understood. It's funny and dear that he's thinking about what he's saying to me.

As usual we were all over the place with the conversation. We laughed a little bit about the "Yellow Fever" short movie. It actually would have been interesting to spend a little more time talking about that. Then we talked a little about learning and speaking mandarin. He speaks Fuj at home but tries to practice mandarin with his mom sometimes and listens to Chinese radio during the drive to and from work sometimes. I'd like to hear him speak some more sometime.

That lead to talking about his work. He told me about the challenges he has with speaking to his Spanish and Chinese patients. Only in areas like this are people challenged with such a diverse population. He seems like a conscientious individual. Once while I was explaining something, he apologized for being distracted because he thought the child at the next table might be choking, but it turned out the boys were just playing.

Not only did he obviously learn piano, he can play violin. KT says he doesn't find violin that interesting because it's not a solo instrument. That's why he took up guitar more recently. He doesn't like the high pitch of violin. My response was that I don't mind listening to my dad when he's practicing violin and wish I had learned.

I mentioned the conversation I had with my cousin about California Asians. My cousin admits he has many stereotypes about people here based on growing up in NY. He's very skeptical that he will make many friends here because he says we're too laid back and cliquish. I've heard from multiple East Coast folks that they don't consider West Coast people very intellectual. It was an very interesting accusation to discuss. KT seemed rather passive about it. The first thing he asked was whether my cousin is aware of the difference between Northern and Southern Califonia. He did mention that his med school from who was from Long Island was very unhappy in Sdo. He thinks the cliquish nature didn't develop until more recently. I have to admit that I do spend most of my free time with other Asian with more than half my main social group being Chinese. KT thinks my cousin will change his mind after he's been here awhile.

Sometimes I think I bring up stupid topics just to impress him. I mentioned that I had been working on a project at work on internists for the annual physicians' meeting. He asked where it was this year, and I added that it will be in Sdo next year. That caught his attention and he thought aloud that he should go next year. We talked a little about pharmaceutical reps and he mentioned that while he's not supposed to accept samples, he was left cases of Pediasure that he should probably donate to a local food bank.

At the end of the meal, we were given two orange slices and two fortune cookies. (Rats, I left the fortunes on the table.) As we sucked down the oranges I mentioned how my mother had me spend last weekend picking oranges. She insisted on taking some 5-10 pounds of them on the airplane even though a good number of them were probably too tart to eat. That's an Asian mother for you, can't pass up free food. KT had actually brought that up earlier commenting that in Asia, there's no such thing as doggie bags and how it's rude to run out of food. I told him stories about how my friend Sh will even go as far as take other people's leftovers home if a group of us goes out to dinner. It's going to an extreme.

My fortune was about showing a smile to bring about good things. KT agreed that he always finds a smiling patient leads to a good appointment. A frown sets a tough mood for the visit.

KT's mind must have been very focused or very distracted because he completely forgot about the check. Originally, he had suggested we stop for gelato before going to the theatre. But after double-checking the movie time, we knew we had to go directly. Maybe he felt rushed. He began to stand up and put his coat on when I pointed down at the check with a curious look. He looked completely stumped that he had forgotten (and the whole time it sat there I was wondering if he was waiting for me to pay or something). He pulled out a twenty a laid it on top of the bill and made some comment about only having large bills. I looked at the total and calculated in my head that it was not sufficient for the tip. Since my hand was already on my purse, I pulled out my wallet. KT asked if I had a couple small bills. I tossed out two $1 bills and we headed out.

I don't know if it's nerves or cluelessness because, I had to ask him, "are we taking in one car there?"

"I guess we could do that," he said, as if it hadn't occurred to him.

"Why waste the gas..., unless it's easier for you to go home directly from the theatre," I added.

"No, it's fine," he replied.

Movie Time
On the drive to the theatre, KT was mentioning about how Larry sends him e-mails about the lack of single women where they currently live. I guess Larry is considering moving up to the city to meet more people. I had to ask, "how old is Larry?"

I did not expect KT to say, "You know, I've known Larry for almost a year now, and I honestly am not sure. My guess is that he's either 36 or a couple years younger based on what other people have told me."

"We're the same age right?" I was pretty sure but had to ask.

"Yeah, the year of the pig...," is how KT answered. Interesting to use Chinese astrology to categorize.

We arrived with plenty of time to spare. The parking gods had been very kind to us all evening. As we stood in line to buy tickets, I noted some of the other movies on the display. I asked if "Slither" was a horror flick and KT said yes. I mentioned that I was curious because Nathan Fillion from "Firefly" is in it. I asked if he knew of the show and he did. He said he probably should rent the movie "Serenity" sometime. (Earlier I had already offered to loan him "Amelie" so I didn't want to offer a second just yet.) Then we talked about "Buffy" for a bit and I mentioned that Joss Whedon is now writing the screenplay for "Wonder Woman." KT speculated on who might play the lead role and came up with Katie Holmes. I made an ugly, disapproving face and said she wasn't right. When I said it needed to be a stronger, perhaps more athletic actress, he came up with Jennifer Garner. Then he asked about a rumor he'd heard that she was with Ben Affleck... yeah... I had to update him that there were married and just had a little girl, Violet. For the next five minutes I was updating him on various Hollywood gossip like Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston hook up. That's was weird.

About three couples from the window I began to debate whether to offer to buy the movie tickets. We were having a good time and I wondered if it would be a nice gesture.

"I'll get the tickets," I explained.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah." I assured him.

"Thanks," with a smile.

"Thanks for dinner," I said as I handed him his ticket.

We had another chance to chat as we waited for the movie to start. One question I distinctly remember is him asking me when the last time was that I went to the movies with my parents. I honestly wasn't sure but thought that it was when I was thirteen. I said I remembered my parents going to a few movies like date nights (he laughed at that concept). I had to explain, that honestly, my parents prefer to watch tv at home. They don't like paying the money, and my brother downloads all the bootlegs for them to watch. KT then told me how he takes his mom to the movies. She likes seeing sci-fi type things like "Lord of the Rings" and "Narnia." He even took her to see the "Star Wars." (My friend, Chi, says this was his way of assessing whether I spend quality time with my parents and if I have a good relationship with them... I might fail on this "test.")

It was interesting to see how KT behaved in the movie. He never tried anything, but we did learn into each other occasionally to ask a question. He laughed rather loudly a couple times. I couldn't help think "dork" a few times because of the sounds he made. That's okay, I don't mind a little dorkiness I suppose.

The one odd thing (maybe I imagined it) happened as we prepared to leave the theatre. KT had already stood up and put his jacket on. I had just risen out of my seat and looked at him. I swear he scanned me head to toe as I put on my jacket. What was that about? Checking me out?

KT opened the car door for me when we left the theatre. I give him stars for opening all the doors we encountered during the date.

End of the Night
Approaching my car, he came around the corner so that he stopped directly behind my car. As we pulled up he noted my alumni license plate frame and commented "a station wagon with EB - Bears, of course it's your car."

I laughed and I said, "yes, and I saw your alumni plate on the back of your car." We both laughed, and I reminisced about how I had once considered a red car but had to get the blue. He laughed as he repeated me.

As he reached to unbuckled his seat belt, he told me that he had a fun night. Then he tried to reach behind his seat to give me the leftovers saying that his parents were having family friends over and were disappointed to learn that he wasn't going to be around for the evening. He reached back so far that I thought his head might end up in my lap. He couldn't reach it so I leaned over and grabbed it from behind his seat.

With the food in my lap, I saw that he was about to put his seat belt back on. Ugh, I couldn't believe that he wasn't going to try to touch me. So I moved to extend my left arm out and said "thanks" as I gave him a hug. I think I felt one of his arms come around me very lightly.

As I pulled my head from the car, I think I heard him say, "see you soon." I said the same with a smile and closed the door.

I'm happy. We had a good time and I'd like to think I could see a smile in his eyes about us spending time together. My sense is that he is a bit dorkier than I first suspected but I also think he's a very thoughtful and considerate person when he tries (or is not nervous). We need some more dates to figure out what's going on before getting into more serious conversations.

Too much information?

Since we have yet to decide where to eat and KT was thinking ramen when we talked last night, I sent him a link to a local blog that described some places in the area.

He wrote back thanking me for the link and offered a new suggestion for dinner tomorrow. Then he wrote something that, well, I found rather gross:

"To be honest, this darn virus is causing me to have some cold sores, and the one on my tongue hurts! (Hence why eating is not really my "thing" right now.) "

Um, yeah, okay I understand he won't be eating much tomorrow... but ewe... was there another way he could have expressed that?

==> Note: see the Saturday date dinner details for the follow up ;)

Guns, tanks, and salsa dancing

We had a gathering of gal pals (plus one SO) to view some photos from a trip to Taiwan and Japan. Since three of us are single and out on the market, we tend to check-in every chance to hear the scoop.

Suna had a second date with the guy she met from speed dating. It was the one guy she was somewhat excited about meeting because they had met awhile back through dancing.

They had the traditional dinner and a movie night. Everything sounds like it went fine except for what she learned about his job. He's a mechanical engineer by training. To put it simply, his job is to put guns on tanks. What else is there to say?

Naturally we were all in awe that that's even a job... but someone has to know how to do that right? The next question is, of course, how does she feel about that? Well, you might guess it didn't sit well with her. I'd say the majority of people in our circles of friends are liberal. We all paused in deep thought about the idea of knowing someone who deals with serious military machinery.

So how do you decide what you can live with? I think most of us have obvious dealbreakers when it comes to relationships. But what do you do with the ones that come out of left field? I guess he could always change jobs - problem solved. What does that say about his character? He said he hates Bush, but he could still be conservative.

It's early, I think she is still open to the idea. She wants to go salsa dancing with him first. ;)