Sticky fingers

I couldn't help be amused by this article I saw today about tourists who returned an artifact they took as a sourvenir. I applaud them for returning it because it would be so easy to simply throw it away. I'm wondering if that means there are other souvenirs that they'll be mailing back home.

Whenever we travel somewhere, I am definitely tempted to take a piece of nature home. Growing up near the beaches, however, I was reminded early of the damage even a taking a little piece of earth could do. It struck me when the naturist said that if every tourist took one tiny shell, the beach would be clean of any shells. Besides, the shells were important to budding young creatures who need them for shelter. This notion has stayed with me and is why I rarely take anything.

The other superstition that I think about is the bad luck associated with taking lava rocks. The volcano areas would be stripped of lava if people took souvenirs home. It's tempting because some of the rocks are so intricate with their lacey patterns and the minerals often produce beautiful colorations. Perhaps it is a myself created to discourage the taking of lava, but I'm I'll for it if it's working to preserve the beauty there.

One quick swoop

I stepped out for a bit. At the last minute, I joined my family for a trip to China. Since my brother's never been, my parents decided to take him on a basic group tour. We haven't had a family trip since who knows when.

At the time I bought the plant ticket, I decided that I might as well since no job offer was near. Suddenly, the day before the trip, I got an offer. I tried to negotiate a little, first on vacation, next on stock options, then on job title, but the HR person wouldn't budge. What I don't understand is that if none of these things are negotiable, then why even ask me what benefits I got at my previous jobs? It would seem she already had her mind made up.

I felt a little at a disadvantage knowing that I was leaving the next day. Normally, I would have liked to mull over the details for a day or two and get advice from friends. Compared to my last jobs, I'm taking a 9% pay cut, one week less vacation, a job title two steps below my previous job, and the rest is about par. On the other hand, my commute is now 12 minutes instead of one hour each way. If one were to count that commute time as part of work hours, I'm making up maybe $10,000 of my salary by being able to sleep in and get home a little earlier (assuming the hours in the office are comparable). I really do want to like this job, it's just a little frustrating to know I could be compensated better. I suppose if I don't like the job, I'll just switch in two years when the economy is better.

It is a relief to know I'll be working again. As much as I enjoy the free time, my mind craves a bit more challenge. I'm the type of person that needs some structure. Every one's dream is to be their own boss, but I'd have a hard time doing that at home. There are way too many distractions.

The trip was pretty good. The biggest concern both me and Tim had was how Mom and I would get along. The thought of being nagged 24/7 for 10 days wasn't appealing. For the most part, she behaved. The one time we had a fight was early in the trip. She came over to our hotel room while my brother was in the shower. We chatted and I mentioned that I hoped to find a little something for Tim. My mother immediately questioned why I would do that. She reasoned that guys don't care and don't need anything. I shouldn't be spending money when I don't have a job. Besides, she felt I already had too much stuff and didn't possibly have any space in the house for more junk.

This really made me mad considering we had just spent the day looking at inexpensive pearls to buy for my sister-in-law. My mom had been asking what my brother had been asked to buy for her. It felt really unfair that we should spend all this time thinking about the shopping list for everyone else and not Tim. After a few minutes of bickering, I got up and told her that I felt she was being totally unreasonable. I never said that I needed to buy something expensive for Tim, it could be something as cheap as $1. Also, I told her this is why I never tell her anything. When I can't even share a simple comment or thought without getting nagged or criticized, there's no reason to say anything. She retorted that she feels it's her right to express her opinion when I'm wrong. Great.

So, I stored out of the room. Unfortunately, I left knowing that I couldn't take the room key with me. It was in the slot that provides power to the room. I wasn't going to leave my brother to shower in the dark. I spent the next 10 minutes wandering the hotel hallways, hoping my mom would go back to her own room. Sure enough, just as I returned to the 8th floor, I heard a door shut. As I walked past my parents' room, I could hear her tell my dad that we had just fought and why. He immediately scolded her for doing so and ask her why she would do such a thing. Her explanation made it sound like she had done nothing wrong and she nervously laughed off the situation. My mom just doesn't get it.

The next day my dad encourage me to find something nice to give Tim. He's great. I don't know how he has the patience for my mom sometimes.

Finally, a couple quick notes about China:

1) Automobiles (especially buses) don't have to stop when making right hand turns; don't assume anything in the crosswalk no matter what the light says.

2) The Chinese have a sitcom which my dad described as their version of the Cosby show. It seemed strange to me to have a show with a family that included three children when Chinese couples can generally one have one. How do people related to the show?

3) The Chinese are learning to use trash cans. There are commercials and billboards trying to demonstrate the idea. As you may know, spitting and other mucus disposal actions are very common. One guy came over to the trash can behind us, pinched one nostril, and proceeded to blow out some mucus. It was not very appetizing. My brother was very disgusted by it all. I said, "at least he put it in the trash and not on the sidewalk." He agreed.

4) Being a flight attendant on a flight to/from China must be one of the worst jobs ever. A large Chinese tour group boarded my plane. When they boarded the plane, they talked loudly and bustled about trying to switch seats with each other. The attendants had a tough time getting them to sit down and buckle in so that we could depart. During the flight they constantly ignored the seat belt sign and announcements, having cell phones on, gathering in the aisles to chat, and using the restroom. During meal services, they never listened to what was being served. For example, the breakfast choices were eggs or noodles. The woman in front of me kept asking for rice. And this group was flying to five different cities during their tour of the U.S.?

5) When it comes to lines, one must be pushy or you'll never get anywhere.

Sunnier days

Once again, I disappeared for awhile. I have a partial excuse... I was on my belated honeymoon!

The honeymoon was great. We headed to Latin America to experience a little culture and a lot of nature. One starts to realize how plain and a little boring the local animals can be after experiencing the amazing diversity of the tropical area. It also makes me wonder what interesting wildlife used to exist in my home area before humans chased it all away.

We spent a little time on a small cruise. It was amazing that all the tourist on our boat got along. We even exchanged e-mails and shared photos afterwards. How cool is it to have a diversity of people come together, enjoy spending time together, and learn from each other. It's also wonderful to know that I can spend three straight weeks with my hubby and enjoy (almost) every moment.

We had it all, hiking, snorkeling, close encounters with animals, ancient ruins, colonial history and architecture, local artisan crafts, local New Year's customs, indigenous cultural tour, illegal payment to leave the country with the correct documentation, a lost hotel confirmation, a lost library book, crazy taxi cab drivers, horseback riding, rafting, zip-line, and a 6.2 earthquake. I'm sure I've missed something.

The best thing is that this really helped to lift my spirits. I must admit that being laid off from my job only two weeks after my wedding was a real blow. I know we're fortunate to be financially secure for awhile. Tim still has his job and feels pretty secure about it.

Still, part of me can't help feel unlucky and extremely frustrated. We had been planning to escape our two-bedroom condo and buy a real house. With our two incomes and a decent down payment, we could take advantage of the market and get a house we could live in for twenty years. Losing my job changed all that.

The job market is rough to say the least. It was scary to watch the job listings dry up as the holidays approached. I managed to get that one interview, but in the end, they went with someone else. I have to admit that my enthusiasm for the job waned as they dragged their feet and saw how disorganized they were. Still, I really want *a* job. I also didn't think things would dry up so badly.

I'm not religious but certainly the loss of the job makes me question my self-esteem. I can't help wonder what I've done to deserve such bad luck. I'm the type of person who tends to dwell on the bad and feel like I'm not good enough. I'm embarrassed and feel a bit like a loser. Not only can we not buy a house, I can't even refinance my current place. The rate dropped just weeks after I lost my job. No income, no loan; it's as simple as that. This combined with the fact that we're trying to start a family is disheartening. Had I just had a few more months of work, we could have done something to make our financial situation so much better. It feels unfair when the friends we know are all (at least on the surface) in a much better place than us.

We're not holding back on getting pregnant. After all, I'm no spring chicken. As long as there is nothing wrong with my parts, I assume we'll be pregnant in the next couple months. The money part is a little scary. Let's face it, I will have a hard time landing a job if I start showing before I can get hired. I can't imagine 12-16 months with only one income in this expensive region we live. Ouch.

On the bright side, I've been putting off remodeling parts of the house since I moved in. It seems a little counter-intuitive to spend money when no income is coming in, but I do have the time. I never realized that managing major improvements can be like having a full-time job. We're getting new countertops, new flooring for the high-traffic areas, energy-efficient windows, and new appliances. The prices are decent given the slow economy. Tim will be the first to say he's happy that we'll finally have a fully functioning microwave and toilets. I like the idea of having a flat kitchen counter top. Hopefully a good chunk of the expense will be earned back when it comes time to sell the condo.

Extreme adventure

So Tim and I are back from vacation. If you ask him, he'll say it's the absolute best vacation he's ever had. I do have to credit him with adding things to our itinerary that I never would have thought of doing. He'll also tell you, "you should go to New Zealand."

Anyone of any age can go there and find something wonderful to do. If I were younger, I certainly would have spent more time doing adventure sports. If I had kids, renting a camper and driving from park to park would have been fun. If I were older like my parents, visiting wine country, wildlife viewing and hot springs would have been fabulous.

We did a combination of these things. I can now say that I've been canyoning, black water rafting (which is really spelunking), jet boating, tramping (i.e. backpacking), hiking on a glacier, and... (drum roll please) bungy jumping! While I love adventure, I must admit I may not have thought of these things if it hadn't been for Tim's enthusiasm. We both desperately want to do more canyoning, but it's hard to find around here.

Of course, there are plenty of things we didn't have time to do - sledging, canyon swing, parasailing, sky diving (not sure how enthusiastic I am about this), helicopter tour, river boarding, mountain biking, and fly by wire. Just the thought makes me excited and tired. The dollars can definitely rack up but it's something I feel is worth trying once in your life.

On the mellow side, we did plenty of sight seeing. There was a Chinese Lantern Festival happening just when we arrived. It was fun to walk amongst thousands of locals and view the lanterns lit up at night. Being relatively close to Asia, there were plenty of food stands offering a wide variety of eats.

Down south, we did some animal sight seeing. The yellow penguins are a cute but odd breed of penguins. Unlike other penguins we learn about, these are solitary creatures who don't flock together. We also viewed a colony of albatross and cruised in a bay to see a rare breed of dolphins.

Did I mention we ate wild foods - grubs, worms, crickets, whitebait and more? I can't say I'd recommend too many of the offbeat items. Even horse burgers didn't really agree with me. The cricket was really just crunchy with no taste other than the satay sauce. We highly recommend the whitebait sandwiches.

If you're thinking, "gosh, she's taking awhile to post details about her vacation," I have good reason. From the start of the vacation, Tim was trying to figure out a good day to propose! Except for the days we were in wetsuits, he was always carrying around my beautiful engagement ring.

In Fiordland, there are areas that were carved out by glaciers to form beautiful water inlets. We took a cruise in one of these areas. The day started out rather wet and overcast, but on the return trip to the docks, the sun came out. The waterfalls along the mountains provided spray that created beautiful rainbows. As we left the boat, Tim spotted a viewpoint and wanted to take pictures. After a couple shots, he held me in his arms, kissed me very lovingly, told me he loves me, and asked me to marry him.

For a split second, I thought he was joking since he's commented like this before without being totally serious. But somehow I knew this was different, still it wasn't totally what I expected and my tongue started to formulate a question as I spotted a ring out of the corner of my eye.

"Are you going to get down on your knee?" I asked. (My friends all laugh at this.) So Tim back up a few steps, kneeled down, and said, "Now, will you marry me."

And then, I said, "yes." We're very happy.

It's been a bit crazy from the minute I returned. In my mind, I realized that we either had to rush to beat the rainy season, get married indoors, or wait until NEXT spring. Tim is pretty laid back about the timing. He thinks that if we take more time, I'll be less stressed. I don't think he quite understands that the longer it goes on, the longer I'll have to stress, fuss, and anguish over every little detail.

I think we're both surprised that in just ONE WEEK, I've managed to find a place for the ceremony and reception that we both can be happy with without breaking the bank. There are a couple wonderful hotels that we'd both love to use, but the $10,000+ more it would cost seems unjustifiable compared to saving the money for a house. We'll hopefully have confirmation by next week. This is another fine example of how, when I put my mind to it, I can accomplish things fast!

At the same time, many friends are telling me to remember to take time to just enjoy being engaged. I do hope to do that here are there. We have already gone through some minor tiffs. I told Tim that if he can stand me through this whole process, then we'll be good for many years to come.

It's kind of weird to have so much going on all at once. Meanwhile, I'm negotiating a job offer. If I do start a new job, I definitely like to get some wedding planning done so I can focus on learning the new job and not look like a total flake.

Now get out there and go to New Zealand!

Right turns

In prepartion for my upcoming vacation, I ordered a sport skirt online. I figure since I'll be going to a place where the temperature is averaging 22C to 26C that I can enjoy wearing a few skirts and allow my pale legs to get some sun.

Alas, I ordered on Saturday morning so the package was not processed until Monday afternoon. I had hoped I stood a chance of it arriving on Friday since UPS has 3-6 day shipping.

I've been anxiously checking the shipping status every day. And today, I was really annoyed and perplexed at the route my package has taken. It start in Chattanooga on Monday and arrive in Knoxville early the next morning. It sat at the location for 24 hours before being sent to Nashville. Why did it have to sit around for an entire day? Today, it left Nashville for some unknown destination.

What perplexes me is my discovery of the route. If you look at a map of Tennessee, you'll see that the three cities and connecting freeways form a triangle with Chattanooga at the bottom, Knoxville off to the right, and Nashville at the top left. So... if there's a highway that connects Chattanooga to Nashville, why did my package have to spend two days to travel 291 miles via Knoxville when it would have been in Nashville on Tuesday after driving only 134 miles?

Is this part of that new policy about only making right turns? A union thing?

Sigh... I guess that skirt will just have to wait until the summer to see daylight. No matter, I'm going on vacation with Tim and we're gonna have an awesome time!

You can't invite him for dinner?

Thanksgiving week was great. Work was absolutely quiet which made for no guilt playing hooky on Wednesday. I don't think anyone in my department bothered to come to work.

On Monday night, I had a brief chat with my mother. I had been thinking this would be my opportunity to warm her up to the idea that I'm dating someone.

Mom: "What is GradCousin doing for Thanksgiving?"

Me: "I don't know. He mentioned that his friend invited him over last year for a family dinner and is hoping that he'll be invited again."

Mom: "So what are your plans for Thanksgiving?"

Me: "Well, do you remember my friend, Tim, who gave you the keys to my place when you came up to visit that time?"

Mom: [one second pause] "Yeah."

Me: "Well, we're dating. We decided since none of our friends will be around that we're going to drive up to [xxx] for a couple of days to go hiking and explore a museum."

Mom:[two second pause] "So does that mean you can't invite GradCousin and his friend over for Thanksgiving?"

Me: "Sorry, I thought about that but it didn't make sense to have a whole turkey for three of us. I figure I'll just catch up with him later during the weekend."

Mom: "Are you sure you can't plan Thanksgiving dinner and invite him over?"

Obviously, Mom was more concerned about taking care of family. As much as I like getting to know my cousin, I hate that my mother now expects me to keep an eye on him. She's even tried getting me to help her set him up with some friend's daughter. I've refused, and she just gets mad at me. Ugh.

The big question here is, did she hear me say "dating?" I'm pretty sure the pause was more to remember coming up to visit me. It's really unclear whether she caught the dating part since she was so preoccupied with making she GradCousin is not spending his holiday alone.

Tim and I had a great weekend. We left on Wednesday morning and enjoyed a tour that showed us some nature and wildlife in the countryside. It was beautiful to see the last of the fall leaves changing colors.

For dinner, we had reservations at a better known establishment. I sat on the booth side looking towards the center of the restaurant. Tim sat in a chair facing me. He could see the decor on the wall behind me which included the daily specials. He also happened to notice an attractive young woman sitting two tables away from us. She had bobbed brown hair and was well-groomed, probably in her late 20s at most. Normally, Tim doesn't really comment on women, so I was a bit surprised. But clearly, she stood out from most of the people in the restaurant.

It seemed odd that she was sitting alone. I could not tell whether she was just arriving or finishing up her meal. As we waited for our server to take our order, I watched as a server came to her corner booth with a cheese plate. Suddenly, a man appeared and slid himself into the seat adjacent to her. He was an older man, 50s or early 60s. Immediately, I suspected that I recognized him. I turned to Tim and said, "I think that's Billy Joel."

Tim shook his head and said, "no, that's not Billy Joel."

It made sense and explained why no one was seated at the table between us and the alleged celebrity couple. After a few of exchanges of "yes, it is" and "no, that's not," I asked Tim when was the last time he'd seen a picture of Billy Joel. Tim shrugged his shoulders and guessed that it had been ten years. I asserted my opinion and noted, "I've seen pictures of him in the past year and I'm pretty sure that's him."

As we waited for our main courses, a couple was seated at the table next to us. They talked for a few minutes, browsed the menu, and then the gentleman glanced to his right. I could not help but watch because I wanted to see if he would notice the possible celebrity. Sure enough, his eyes popped a bit and then he turned to his companion and remarked, "I think that's Billy Joel over there."

I immediately turned back to Tim and said with a laugh, "see, even that guy think it's Billy Joel."

I can only wonder whether my whispers were overheard by Mr. Joel and his companion. I certainly wasn't going to approach them as I believe it's disrespectful to intrude upon a stranger's dinner for such a silly reason. It was have been nice to meet him and tell him how much a enjoy his music, but this wasn't the time or place. Instead, I had to settle for the satisfaction of sitting 10 feet away.

Later, after they had left, I asked our server, "was that Billy Joel sitting in the corner?"

"Yes, that was, and right behind you on the other side of the room is Mario Andretti," she whispered.

I'm not a big star gazer, but we made sure to walk the long way around the exit when it was time to leave. We weren't quite sure what Mario looks like, but it was fun to take a peak. Two celebrities in one night, what a kick!

Thanksgiving day was simple and quiet. We slept in, watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, and went on a 5-mile hike to enjoy some great views of the surrounding hills. It was my first hike since my vacation and my muscles were having a memory lapse. Dinner was mellow. We went to a local place where we shared a heaping plate of Thanksgiving turkey with all the trimmings and a plate of sea bass for contrast. Nothing special but peaceful and relaxing just being together.

Our couple of days away from home were great. We were still in a normal town yet we felt worlds away. On a whim, I called friends to see if they might be around as we passed through their neighborhood. It was serendipitous they were about to have dinner with more friends. We all caught up on our holiday adventures over a tapas dinner.

On Saturday, I met up with GradCousin for dinner and showed him how to make bittersweet chocolate ice cream. Man, was he a happy man as he headed home. It's nice to know that it'll last him through semester finals.

Black and white

There was one moment from my vacation that was pretty striking to me as an Asian-American. I can't help share it when I'm with people because it demonstrates how differently cultures interpret how to distinguish people.

The first day my friend and I went on a tour of a village. It involved us walking around to view the various farms in the neighborhood. Naturally, we walked past various homes where kids were playing. When they saw us, many would wave their hands and say "hi" and follow behind saying things in Swahili. I could only wonder what they knew about visitors to their village. Did they think us strange, amusing, intruders? Our guide had told us that the children in the village had been told that allowing visitors helps build things such as their classrooms. While I believe this of the children who happily said "hello," I am less sure of the small boy who quietly spied on us for 15 minutes with an air of caution on his face.

Towards the end, a little boy and girl were running down the road saying a couple words over and over as they watched us walk up the road. I asked the local guide what they were saying. He said they were yelling "white people, white people." While I understand how that's true compared to the people they are used to seeing, I felt a bit odd and uncomfortable hearing it.

Here in the U.S., "white people" defines a specific group of people, those typically of European descent. Asians, Hispanics, and other ethnicities are separate categories. America is funny that way. We boast about our wonderful melting pot, and yet we fiercly protect and promote our differences. For better or worse, we identify anything and everyone into millions of categories. There, however, considering the dominant population, anything not black is probably considered white (though I'm not sure what they'd say if they met an Asian Indian). (Of course, parts of Africa continue to discriminate each other by tribal associations.)

There was this general sense of guilt to be associated with "white" because these were the people who colonized them. I didn't want to be associated with that history. Sure, the Africans benefited from some of what was implemented, including education and good farming practices, but on the whole, the colonization was disruptive and devastating for some areas of Africa.

It feels strange to be called "white" because that's not what we learn here in the states. In some ways, being called "white" has a negative connotation as an Asian-American. Some could interpret that as a person who prefers "American" habits over their family's practices or lacks any connection to the customs and beliefs of their ancestors.

Being called white also reminds me of stories that I've heard other Asian tell about visiting the South during segregation. Where do you sit on a bus? Which water fountain do you drink from? One Japanese man recounted how he thought he was supposed to sit with the other "colored" people when a white man directed him towards the white seating. I would have been just as confused as him about which seat to take. Heck, I probably would have just stayed standing the whole ride.

When I've told white friends, they seem to comprehend but simply give me nods of understanding, "oh, that's interesting." When I tell me Asian friends, however, the mood is more of a big laugh followed by discussion and attempts to interpret the situation. I wish there was a way all people could appreciate multiple perspectives.

I'm not an expert on racial studies, it's just my insight into one moment of my life... .

Murkyness

Maybe it's just me, but I can't figure out what's up with Chi. Granted we spent A LOT of time together during the trip. We slept in the same room, tent, or hallway for two weeks. Naturally, I can understand that things could get a little awkward.

Still, in general, I found her silence unusual at times. In the month or two before the trip she was somewhat MIA. I met her for lunch two weeks before our trip and learned that she's pretty frustrated with her job. Chi's interviewed for a couple positions within her company, horizontal career moves, but gotten nowhere. In phone conversations with Juan, she's cried in frustration and disappointment. Her self-esteem is a bit in question.

On the trip, she seemed okay. I figured her quiet demeanor was part having nothing left to say to me and part exhaustion from our daily hikes at high elevation. She seemed cheerful and social with everyone else. The journey home probably didn't help matters. First, our transportation during our first segment was 40 minutes late in picking us up from the airport. The host made up a lame excuse about traffic on a Friday night. Well, he should have known that and left earlier.

The next morning, our flight was delayed by one hour and 15 minutes which caused us to miss our connecting flight back to the U.S. The airline in question would not give us a voucher for a hotel room because they claimed it was air traffic control's fault and therefore they were not responsible. I would agree that the last 15 minutes prior to landing was due to air traffic, but not the one hour sitting on the ground before we departed. That was clearly due to their lack of organization. Chi was furious but the arguing went nowhere. I was a bit nonchalant about it only because I knew there was no point in getting mad and yelling at the service people. I tried to convince her to stop fighting with the service people. Yes, they deserved some of the complaints, but at some point, it's not constructive.

It's now been a week since we've been home. I waited almost a week to talk to her figuring we both needed normal time with work and boyfriends. Everyone's been clamoring for a photo party and we had agreed during the trip to have a shared party. In her e-mails, however, she's been very unexcited about the idea. She keeps saying that she's too tired to do anything and doesn't have the energy to think about helping to organize. All I've asked of her is to host. Yes, she may have to clean a bit and wash dishes, but otherwise I've said that we'd simply buy some prepared food from Costco and ask people to bring appetizers. Her e-mail just seem so depressing with her lack of enthusiasm. She doesn't even plan to invite anyone beyond a couple of friends and family whereas I need to invite almost 20 people.

So I worry. Is she totally annoyed with me or is she back to some unhappy state as she was before the vacation? Sometimes I wonder if I said something in the past or on the trip that really bothered her. Part of me wants to reach out and ask, another part of me thinks I should leave it alone until after Thanksgiving and see if she is simply slow to recover from the toll of the trip.

In the meantime, I'm asking another friend if she would host the party. (My living room becomes a death trap with more than 12 people.) I'll take care of all the food to make thing smoother. Hopefully, things work out.

Just find me a clean floor

I went to the library over the weekend to return a travel book I had borrowed from the library. Rather than simply drop it in the book return slot, I stood in line. I could tell the older women just ahead of me was glancing at the book. She then asked me, "Are you planning to go there?"

"Yes, actually I just got back." I replied cheerily.

Then she started to ask me a little bit about the trip - how long I went, what I saw. Then a clerk came free at the counter. I gestured towards the counter so that the older lady could step forward. Just as she reached the counter, another clerk waived me to approach.

As I walked by the older lady, I could hear her recounting to the clerk how she'd talked to me and commented that she didn't understand why people look at travel books after a trip. "I always want to read up about the place I will be visiting," she remarked.

Funny interpretation I thought. She assumed that I was waiting in line to check out the book. I almost never go to the counter to check out books these days; I always use the self-checkout computers. Little did she know that the reason I chose to stand in line was because my book was four days overdue and I was here to pay the fines.

So yes, I'm finally back. It's taken me many days to readjust, especially considering the nasty cough that I acquired during the trip. It was nice to spend a little time at home to recuperate. Of course, there are still dozens of little items, paper stubs, laundry, and mail strewn about the place.

The trip was fantastic though I must admit there were times during our grueling hikes when I asked myself why I signed up for this adventure rather than get a nice hotel on a beach somewhere. After you've hiked 10+ hours, part of the brain really questions the logic of using vacation time for such a demanding activity.

The scenery was very interesting. I knew I was visiting a third world nation and yet it didn't seem that bad. Some people find it shocking, and yet it didn't surprise me. Sure it's easy to say that when I get to stay at a "modern" hotel. I'd like to think I spend enough time outdoors to appreciate what it could be like to live without technological conveniences. I certainly have enough friends who would freak at the thought of having to live in lesser conditions, even for half a day.


The view from our hotel says it all. You have this vast, flat land. Even so often, the earth sent up a large volcano and left behind earth that rises up thousands of feet. From a far they literally seem to appear from nowhere. I didn't climb this mountain but our guide told us that people hike this in three to four days. We all loved seeing the jacaranda trees in bloom with their purple flowers.


No matter where you go in the world, children are precious souls. At one of the parks we visited, a headmaster had his group of preschoolers out to meet tourists. He was basically trying to solicit people to send donations, be it money or supplies, to fund a new classroom for the kids. I wanted to help, but at the same time it bugged me a little that he would spend their time standing in a parking lot. It felt a little wrong and I couldn't help wonder how much of the cash donations were ending up in his pocket versus the kids' classroom. Still, the kids seemed well taken care of, so I had to believe he had the best of intentions. You have to wonder how seeing these tourists affects their impression of foreigners and their own situation. I thought of all those silly pens we pick up at hotels, stores, and work. We treat them like junk and don't think of them for a second when they get lost. Yet, here, they would be so helpful to have for writing. This is why I hate wasting anything and don't take things I don't need.


We were on safari for several days during the trip. I could post dozens and dozens of cool pictures, but most of them you could easy find on the web. Instead, I share with you one of my favorites. There's a little animal called a dik dik. It looks like a gazelle or deer except for the fact that these guys stand about two feet tall. Their small size and big eyes make for an absolutely adorable creature. I am very curious to see how tiny the babies must be. They are very shy creatures. They hide the moment they hear the car noise.

All in all I had a great time. I can now say that I can survive one week sleeping in a tent, not taking a shower, and having to pee in all sorts of inconvenient places. I can even survive a night of sleeping on the floor at Heathrow Airport (thankgoodness it had just been cleaned and waxed). It was a cultural experience, a peek into nature, and a true test of endurance and determination.

Southern Hemispheres

I'm off for a bit of vacation. This will be my first venture into the Southern Hemishere - so exciting!!! Talk to you all in a few weeks!

Think tropical

I'm off for an extra long weekend vacation... I'm looking forward to dipping my feet into some beautiful blue waters.

In the meantime, I highly recommend peaking in on the San Diego Zoo's Pandacam and the newborn panda sleeping with Mama, Bai Yun. It's such a peaceful sight.

The little things

It's been a good week, I'm way behind at work and yet it doesn't bother me. There's always going to be something I can't finish. I'm just enjoying my summer.

And it's been a plenty good week in terms of little accomplishments:

- secured a last-minute reservation for Yosemite (I'm training for a big hiking adventure in the fall; someone cancelled and I scooped up the camp site)

- redeemed some mileage for tickets to Hawaii for a long Labor Day weekend (got vacation, will use)

- rode my bike to work after promising myself that I'd do this for the past three months (it's not that far and yet it's so easy to just drive like so many other people)

- arrange to have an information chat with someone (career research)

- watched a minor league baseball game with friends

- received a free tin of Spicy Maya Hot Chocolate drink for commenting that I was disappoint with how a local cafe prepared it (here's to hoping I can make it at home as well as they do at their Chuao shops)

This weekend, I'm going to go browse all the clearance sales and hang out with friends. I love summer. Somehow it always fills up with fun things.

Now if I could just find time to actually clean my place... ;)

Finally...

I'm so glad I can say that I finished Half Dome. The views are worth the trek. The elevations is around 8800 feet on top of Half Dome. You can see the Ahwahnee meadow is the green area down below. The rock point behind the valley is probably El Capitan.



When I look at this next picture, I can imagine the ancient glaciers that covered this area and carved out these deep valleys. This place must be beautiful when covered with a bit of snow.



Have a great fourth!

Check that one!

In between my business trips, I made a quick stop.

A group of us escaped civilization and headed out to Yosemite. This is a wonderful place to me. It was probably the first nation park I ever visited on my own after college (as opposed to a family trip). I only wish I had done more outdoor activities in my twenties.

The grand plan was to hike to Half Dome and climb the cables to the top. We woke up at 5:30am thinking we'd start early and beat the crowds. It turned into a beautiful day, blue skies, wisps of clouds, and clear views in every direction. I was disappointed to find myself struggling to keep up with everyone. After hiking every weekend and going to the gym each week, I didn't expect to feel so winded. Granted the hike starts at over 4000 ft., but it was still frustrating. Later, when we stopped for a break, it was pointed out to me how heavy my pack was compared to what other were packing. I was carrying the bulk of lunch plus my 3.5 liters of water. Maybe I should practice more often with extra weight.

As always, the trail had beautiful views of waterfalls and the landscape. We stopped several times for bathroom breaks and snacks. All the hiking and heat can really make people hungry. We expected to reach the base of Half Dome in under 5 hours. Somehow, we took much longer than expected. We arrived some six hours later to this view.



The line was rather long. Like many others, we debated whether it was worth waiting in the long line. Given the recent tragedy, we were kind of hoping that maybe there'd be fewer people. (The debate that followed was an interesting read, demonstrating that there's never a perfect solution to anything.)

For me personally, there was no question of whether to wait in line to climb the cables. I've been here twice before and not finished; once because it was getting late, once because I had a sharp headache. The lines back then weren't this bad. At least, being here before helped me know how to prepare. I took ibuprofen halfway through the hike to prevent headache and brought some tough leather gloves for the cables.

We ate our lunch as we waited in line. It took TWO hours to finally take our turn climbing the cables. From the bottom, it looks much steeper than it actually is, though it's definitely not something to climb freely. Our climbs both up and down were slowed by people not prepared for the challenge.

The view at the top was fabulous. It's almost a 360 degree view of Yosemite. It's scary how close to the edge of the dome one can stand. I got about five feet from the edge but that was as much risk as I could handle. I'm not afraid of heights, just afraid of a crumbling edge or unexpected gust of wind.

As we waited to go back down, one of my friends observed, "there are people who don't realize they're scared of heights until they try and come down." The guy in front of us overheard and raised his hand and said, "that would be me." The guy kept sitting down and his buddy tried to give him suggestion to make the descent easier. The buddy also had to push him a bit, telling him things like, "you can't go down on your butt, get up."

In contrast, there were people who climbed as if this were a walk in the park. One false step, and you can fall thousands of feet. It's amazing how different people's sense of risk is. Seeing a shiny silver object roll (turned out to be some one's camera), then bounce, then hit rock and break into three pieces as it disappeared over the edge is a good reminder that there's no safety net if something happens.

We all felt great after coming down. There's definitely a feeling of satisfaction in accomplishing a feet like Half Dome. We gave each other high-fives to celebrate.

Other minor observations:

1) Squirrels - Don't feed them and don't leave your packs unattended. They know how to get into your stuff to search for food. Someone left a bag tucked under a rock overhang while climbing the cables. I spotted a squirrel who had pulled out two drink bottles and a package of Advil. They are clever.

2) On the return trail, if you have a choice, avoid the route that involves going down steep stairs - it really hurts the knees.

3) Tradeoffs in campsite selection - interior campground sites can be noisy and feel crowded; outer campground sites are more likely to be visited by bears.

Tissue everywhere

The things I learned on vacation:

- Choose travel luggage that leaves you space for sourvenirs or bring an extra bag
- Don't forget your watch
- At high altitudes, move slowly and breathe deeply
- If you awake to a black tongue, it might be from the Pepto
- American movies are everywhere
- Asian tour groups are the most obnoxious people
- When you travel with a friend of the opposite sex, everyone will automatically assume you are husband and wife
- If the tap water is not drinkable, it's not for brushing your teeth either
- Carry travel-sized liquid soap or liquid sanitizer everywhere
- Always save extra napkins or tissue for public toilets

Blah, sleep, blah

There hasn't been much to write lately for a variety of reasons. Let's see, my company moved, so that's put me behind. The software that allows me to use my laptop wirelessly is not working at the moment, I've been traveling for work, and I got sick for several days. Now, the new ergo set up isn't working and I have a bad shoulder. Yeah, it's been slow.

I go worn a bit raw after some exchanges with friends last week. It's made me not want to share much. Neither would be considered "incidents" except by me. My therapist saw them as examples of where I need to voice my needs to people.

Hula and hung out one night. She was curious to hear how the online dating was going and had come up with some suggestions for me. One of the conversation was about preferences. I mentioned that I've been reluctant to communicate with guys under 5'5". She inquired my reasons why since she didn't think my choice was rational. I gave her my justifications, and she rebutted my examples. She posed the question to me, "Would you be willing to miss out on the love of your life because he is short?"

"I understand, and you could be right, but this is just how I feel." I said with sincerity. I knew she made a good point, but I also know that you can't always fight what you feel.

The problem was, she wouldn't move on. Even though I acknowledged her viewpoint, I didn't feel like she accepted mine. I quietly sat, listening to her continue about the perceived positives of finding the right man and how unimportant height should be relative to a good relationship. She tried to make it sound like a good thing because I'd get to meet all these guys that other people aren't willing to consider. Still, it hurt. To me, it felt like I was being told to give up my wants (or lower my standard) because... I can't be picky at this age. No, that's not what she said, but it's how she made me feel. And how would she know what I'm going through? She's never dated anyone short. She's been with the same man for seven years and never done online dating. It was frustrating that she wouldn't stop. It made me feel incredibly bad.

You have to understand that Hula is the nicest person and means well. She has this angelic voice no matter what she says. How can you be angry at someone who speaks so gently? I know I should have said something, instead I sat there and politely listened. I just couldn't understand why she could accept that our opinions were different and to move on.

The other conversation had to do with planning a group vacation. One month ago, three of us met to discuss our tour options. At the meeting, we agreed on a travel package and a backup plan. The following Monday, I scoped out the final pricing by talking with a travel agent. I then sent an e-mail to everyone interested providing the description, prices, and dates for our possible vacation. I gave everyone two weeks to think about it and asked for a response on their intent to go by a specific date. I chose that date because it would give everyone the weekend to turn in any applications, fees, or passport information. I also explained that I would be out of town the following week and wanted to make sure we made the early deadline for the package discount.

Over the two weeks, I sent out two additional e-mails. In each e-mail I sent out additional information that I had learned or to answer a couple questions. I encouraged everyone to write me with any questions or concerns about the trip. One person wrote me saying that he and his wife wouldn't be able to make the discount cutoff because they had to wait for some work projects to solidify.

The date I asked for responses came and went. I didn't hear a word from anyone else. Towards the end of the work day, I sent out an e-mail reminding everyone to please let me know either way whether they were planning on joining the trip.

The next day, I finally had to call the two people who were most interested in going on the trip, the two people who helped me plan in the first place. Of all people I had thought they would have confirmed with me. One person said she had changed her mind about the length of the trip and wanted to go for less than two weeks. When I asked her why she hadn't let me know, she said she felt that it wasn't really her trip and didn't want to impose. The other person said he was still up for it but hadn't had time to look at the details of the trip. Plus, now knowing the other person wanted to go on the shorter vacation, he wanted to explore other options. He laughed and said, "we're probably not going to make the deadline."

Well, I was absolutely frustrated and annoyed with the situation. Why? One, because neither of them bothered to tell me anything until I called them. Whatever happened to responding by the date specified? If they had told me these things earlier, we could have made other arrangements and still made the deadline. Second, I gave everyone TWO weeks to look over all the details of the trip. How does someone have the nerve to tell me that he wasn't sure he wanted to go because he hadn't done his research yet. You had two weeks (and, I might add, he's currently unemployed by choice so what excuse do you possibly have)!

It's fine if no one cared about the early discount, I just would have appreciated a little more courtesy about telling me. If I hadn't request a response by a certain date, I can understand no one feeling a need to respond. I certainly would be non-committal as well. Planning trips for a group of people can be so frustrating.

My natural reaction, though not the best reaction, would be to walk away from the whole thing. Why deal with people who won't respond to you? But... I know that's an avoidance response, and it's means we all lose out on the vacation. I can't be that way. So, instead, I'm just taking it easy. The discount has passed, so now it doesn't matter when we sign up. I'm just going to wait until there's more momentum and interest. There's no reason to invest more time on this. I don't need the stress of trying to herd cats. If it happens, great. Otherwise, there are plenty of other trips I can take with other people.

Vacation memories

It was pouring rain at the car rental agency - a dilapidated old house in a dirt lot, surrounded by a ring of cars. We stopped in town for lunch and ate at a restaurant that was a mix of locals and tourists trying to find a place open for lunch. It was around 11:30am. There was at least one local who was clearly intoxicated circling the bar. He looked like he was about to trip over himself, turned towards our booth, and mumbled some incoherent comment towards Chi.

This was the view on the initial drive of the vacation. We had a good two hour drive to reach our first planned stop along a lake. There was plenty of great scenery to see (when we weren't taking turns napping in the car from the exhaustion of getting up at 4am). We were even lucky enough to catch a glimpse of a moose along a creek. At the lake was a Victorian style hotel. The lobby was filled with people enjoying the views and having drinks before dinner. It felt like a movie setting, like "Dirty Dancing" of "Somewhere in Time" where families take summer vacations at classy, old resort hotels.

This is just a cute picture of the soap provided at the hotels. I love the orange contrast and the wet shiny coat on the bear. By the last couple nights, we worn him down enough that he could no longer stand unless he leaned against something. (I hate wasting perfectly good soap and the accumulated environment impact, so I wrapped him up and took him to each of our hotels during the vacation.)

One of the things we got pretty lucky with was viewing the wildlife. Chi constantly commented, "it's like being on safari."After talking with other people later in the trip, we felt very fortunate to encounter the variety of animals we did. There was a bit of confusion about what we were looking at when we first spotted this herd. These are elk because of their darker necks. Deer have a more uniform color. The stag of this clan turned out to be in another clearing just behind the trees to the left.

What might not be obvious from the pictures is how cold it felt. It lightly snowed all day Saturday. It melted as soon as it hit the ground at the lower elevations (less than 7500 ft.). It certainly wasn't ideal for vacation, but it sure gave us some lovely pictures. I think it also made the animals more comfortable about exploring since the sunlight was muted by the clouds. The sight of a black bear and two cubs was engrossing. Dozens of people abandoned their cars for more than 30 minutes watching the family run through the trees. We scurried up the road more than 500 ft. to keep up with them. The ranger was limited in controlling the traffic and pedestrian congestion. I witnessed just how fast a bear can climb a tree (and now understand why that's not an effective means of escape). Mama bear climbed to the very tops of the pine trees, shook or broke off branches with her powerful arms, and the cubs would chase the freed pine cones down the hill. So cute!

On another day, we came across a different group of elk. This male was big. The ranger said that he probably measured 6 ft. from the top of his rear to the ground. Just imagine how tall the front of #10 is when you add the head and antlers. The ranger liked talking about how this particular stag was very aggressive. They've cut his antlers twice before for attacking cars. All the locals are waiting to see what happens when stag #10 and #6 meet.

Most of the park consists of beautiful valleys, hillsides and forests. Along one section of road, however, a rockslide occurred some eons ago. For about half a mile, all you see and drive through is this enormous pile of boulders trailing down from the top. Incredible.

We stayed in three different locations, but this was the most rustic. These are literally two-room log cabins that are over 80-years-old. It was also the one place where each of us had our own beds, and we gals were separated from the guy. It made getting ready in the morning much easier. The only thing missing would have been a cozy couch or game table. Definitely a great cabin for families - throw the kids in the other room for some fleeting moments of peace and quiet.

We hiked to an inspiration point on one of the warmest days of the vacation. In one day, our pictures show us in what appear to be three different outfits. That's because we kept peeling off layers as we got warmer. This was the one day both Chi and I managed to wear short-sleeve shirts for a few hours. The climb got quite rocky, but I found I actually prefer this to dry dirt because there's less chance of slipping. The rocky ledge was pretty safe though I know a couple people who would have been uncomfortable with looking down.

While we were waiting for a chance to see a moose appear, I had my one geeky moment. Doesn't this look like a Klingon battle cruiser from the original Star Trek series? ;) Tim just laughed and commented, "what are you talking about," when I suggested the idea. He was looking at a different cloud but also thought I was weird.

The interesting human story in all this was learning about some of the people who work in national parks. I observed three types: retired, young college graduates, and college students. The retired folks have what sounds like an ideal arrangement, work or volunteer at a park for the season and move onto to another park for the next season. What a great way to enjoy nature. The college graduates are the guys who want to enjoy life and just get by for now. They're young, athletic men who take simple jobs and shift to the ski resorts during the winter where they can ski for five months and get paid to give ski and snowboarding lessons. The last group is a mix. There was definitely your group of average American college student trying to pay for school. A large number of the service staff were foreign students, especially Eastern Europeans, who came here to earn some money and improve their English. It makes me wish I'd spend a couple seasons of my younger life doing something more for the location rather than the career experience.

That's my vague, non-tourist version of the trip. I have probably 400+ photos from the trip to get through. There are plenty other interesting photos, but they're easily seen in any good coffee table book. The one fun thing about the outdoors in the fall is that all the trees are starting to change color. It was nice to get a preview of the color show the trees about to display.

Jumbled brains

I'm back from vacation... no phone, no computer, no Internet... what a concept. It felt bizarre entering my e-mail login and trying to recall my password. It's coming back to my fingers as I log into various accounts. There's this weird rote memory programmed into the muscles of my fingers. They know exactly how many millimeters to extend before depressing the keys below them. (Reminds me of how I could play piano notes with my eyes closed after learning the same song for over a month.)

I just enjoyed the time. Chi and Tim were on the trip too. We experienced some extremes in temperature - highs of 34F one day and 76F two days later. Layering clothes was key to comfort. I thought nothing of work and maybe a cumulative total of 45 minutes about boys [pat on the back]. If I get a chance, maybe I'll post a few curious pictures from the trip.

Reality seeped back in as I looked out the window of the airplane and starting seeing all too familiar landmarks such as freeways, mountains, farming patches, and resevoirs. I have flown so much over the past few years that it doesn't take me long to recognize landmarks. It wasn't long before the geography transitioned from dry, rolling hills to neatly organized grids of cul-de-sac neighborhoods and ant-like streams of cars moving along the freeways. The contrast between the vast empty lands of my vacation and the patterns of modern life leave me wondering how to be happy and survive.

Along with that came the reality that I must figure out what to do about Tim. But that'll have to wait because I have two more non-vacation trips to finish before the end of the month. (Yes, I realize there are only 10 days left this month.) So excuse me if my writing is erratic for a bit...

Vacation time

It's vacation time!!! A week of fresh air and no thoughts of work!

Enjoy these last days of summer! Ciao! A bientot!

Yosemite

How soon after you start dating someone can you bring them on a camping trip?

Well, Tim came with me to Yosemite this weekend. It was four of us - Ph, Les, Tim and I. We started out at about 3pm with a quick stop at In-N-Out Burger. He wanted to hold my hand as we drove to meet up with the others. It's only been two days but I can't remember any specifics from the drive conversation. My only thinking is that while it's nice to get to know each other and talk about important things, it has a way of taking the romance out of the courtship process.

The one thing I do recall bringing up is the money situation. We've both been very honest and forward about trying to determine if we are a good match for each other. I brought up my concerns about his ability to provide for a family in the Bay Area. Is he comfortable knowing that I make more? Going into this potential job he is realistic about the fact that his future wife could be making more. He said that while job satisfaction is high, the most common reason people leave the bureau is because of salary. I shared my concern that when I have children I want to be able to provide a good life for them. It's also nice when the husband makes enough to give me the luxury to stay home with a baby rather than have to hand them off to a babysitter at three months. I don't think he liked that idea either. He asked me how much I think one person has to make to be able to support a family in the Bay Area. It's a tough question, and I guess at least six figures considering the cost of a mortgage, living expenses, and child care. I don't know that we defined anything from the conversation, but at least the issue is out there and Tim knows my priorities.

Ph was not aware that Tim and I are dating. So toward the latter part of the drive to Yosemite, he asked about my speed dating experiences. It was a little awkward with Tim sitting right there. He played along and was a good sport about it. Fortunately, Ph did not ask for any specific details. I revealed my knowledge of all the various dating sites and they teased me, asking if I've been on all these sites including the alternative lifestyle ones. It was more of a general discussion about the current state of dating. What we did talk about was the e-mail process. During the conversation I revealed that I use an alternate e-mail address for contacting new people. My reasons are two-fold, first I don't want them to know my personal e-mail until I know more about them. Secondly, I learned that I do not want strangers contacting me by instant messenger. For whatever reason, everyone jumped on the alternate e-mail and began teasing me about leading a "double life." I think it particularly intrigued Tim.

Tim and I are still playing subtle games with each other. During dinner, he made some comment about having the time to put up his tent. In my mind, I thought, "oh, okay, he's planning to sleep alone." We hadn't discussed it yet, but I had imagine we could share a tent since it didn't make sense for him to have to set it up twice. I trust that he's a good guy and wouldn't try anything if we shared my tent. So when we finally arrived at the site, I asked if he wanted to stay in my tent and he seemed happy to go along with it. Later, he told me that he had wanted to but also wasn't sure whether to ask me.

Like our first date, we ended up staying up quite late talking. Of course this time, the talking happened in between mini makeout sessions. I'm always amazed at how serious and in-depth our conversations get. It seems too soon to be talking about so many life issues. Granted it's an important part of getting to know each other but normally this happens over a period of months not weeks. It's a very honest and open relationship which is refreshing though scary at times.

Since it's difficult to recall all that we discuss and in what order, I'm just going to write down what I can as I go.

We started out laying side by side. He was so happy to be next to me. Much of the time he was holding my hand and hovering over me slightly. Early on, he was telling me how he thinks of me every day. I asked him what he thinks about. He started his reply by saying something about how he needed to limit what he shares with me until our feelings are more equal. What he did say is that it's simply about spending time with me and being happy. I remember thinking that what he's not telling me is how he is thinking about our future together. I wouldn't be surprised if he was already thinking about being married and spending his life with me. I just get that sense when he talks about us.

He says many nice things about me when we talk. There comments about how cute I am in a pony tail and with or without makeup. I feel like the Bachelorette at times because I'm not comfortable or sure of what emotions to show to him. I'm scared because I don't know if I'm simply holding back my emotions or if I don't like him enough to make this happen.

I told him that I am concerned because it hasn't been that long. I don't know how to figure out if this is what I want. At the same time, I do not want to hurt him. I'd never do it on purpose. He calls me dangerous because he knows that I could break his heart. He's being very patient and understanding about the dating process. I've told him several times that I am wary because of my past and don't want to get hurt again.

We kissed quite a bit in the tent. This another area of question for me. I am trying to figure out how important "fireworks" are. I don't really feel them when we kiss. When I think back to all my other first kiss situations, there was a nervous anticipation. It was exciting to finally press the lips together and get a little taste of the other person. With Tim, however, it's nice but it's almost like we've been together for years - the passion is not there. Maybe we just need a little bit better communication. Neither of us are sure what to do with our tongues. There were times he seemed a little hesitant what to do. I will admit I'm probably not that great a kisser but I've definitely had better encounters. I'm hoping this works itself out soon. Chemistry is important. It would be frustrating to not have a sexy kiss. What do you suppose is the problem?

In the beginning, one of the things I asked him was if he thinks he's changed in the past few years. He feels that the last two years have been the most impactful in shaping who he is. For him, work was his life. Like with many people in the dot-com era, his life revolved around going to work and staying there late. There wasn't much reason to do anything else. He did date W during this time, but I don't know that he would have pursued it had she not been the one who first hit on him. (And that's another concern of mine when it comes to his relationship judgment.) Once he quit his last job (he worked at Savvio and knows of SL), he signed up for karate. Through an outdoor adventure mailing list, he learned about volunteering in Search and Rescue. He told me about how these activities have improved his skills. He's also become better at interacting with and making presentations in front of people. Participating in these activities are what made him consider a career where he could help other people and contribute. I was really impressed and proud of how he assessed the challenges and changes in his life.

At least he's into exploring a little. We behaved very well that night. The only other things he did were run his hands along my back and kiss my neck. It's been a long time since someone's has put in some gentle attention to my favorite spot. I responded to his neck kisses so he made a mental note to remember that spot. The first time he focused on my neck for a good minute, boy, did it drive me nuts. In later visits, it just didn't seem to work as well. I guess the moment had passed. But his willingness to try things is a nice sign.

Soon after that I also expressed to him my concern about going too fast physically. I started by reminding him that men are better about separating physical and emotional attachment. I then indicated to him that I am much more the type of person to associate to two which is why I have to be very careful about what happens. I said that I like teasing guys a little, even though it could be dangerous. It's titillating to talk about walking around the house naked or in underwear. He joked that I need to tell him to come over the next time I do that. I explained how there is a part of me that wants to "go crazy" and have fun with him. It's a struggle for me to keep that desire under wraps and be patient. He assured me that it takes two people to go that direction and that he wouldn't let that happen for awhile. His analysis of that was that it was good for him to hear that I am afraid of getting hurt. Somehow it sounds like it reassures him that it's not just him who is taking a risk.

I have no idea what time it must have been. We did get a little into our sexual histories. Previously, Tim had implied there was something unique about his first girlfriend, K. The relationship lasted 4-5 months. Several months after they broke up, she came out of the closet. I forgot to ask him if that bothered him. When I did ask him how many people he's been with, he had to qualify the question because there are so many definitions of being sexually intimate with people. In the truest sense of the term, he's been with two people. My guess is that it's Ap and W. He said that with K, they fooled around quite a bit, even being naked with each other but not actually having traditional intercourse. Knowing that she's a lesbian, I can imagine how that might have worked.

When my turn came, I reported my three. He asked if it was the last three boyfriends. That's where I hesitated before implying that there was one circumstance that was not normal. I was very hesitant to talk about it. I wasn't sure if this was the appropriate time to get into detail versus waiting until we are more involved. I made it very clear that it was something that was not like me and that it was something I would not choose to repeat in my life. At first when the subject came up, he thought of all sorts of terrible things like cheating on a boyfriend, cheating with someone who's already unavailable, kissing a woman, being with multiple people. I finally relinquished my secret and admitted that I had a purely physical encounter with a friend for a period of two months. He was surprised and agreed that he never would have expected that from me. I was still unwilling to say who it was and he didn't pursue the question. I did indicate that it's someone I still talk to. For Tim, on the surface at least, he seemed more satisfied that I was willing to reveal that information to him than anything related to the actual secret.

Overall he expressed how happy he is that we can be so comfortable with each other. A couple times he would say, "I wish I had met you a couple years ago." I reminded him that based on our conversation we were both different people back then. We wouldn't have appreciated each other as we do now. He told me how recently he has just come to assume that, while he wants to get married and have a family, that he would be content if he got the FBI job and did some good. Somehow he thought that the satisfaction from work would be good enough to compensate for missing out on the rest. I don't get the impression that he was counting on meeting anyone significant which is why the training and potential relocation for the job was something he was willing to make a sacrifice for.

Now, I think he finds himself second-guessing where he wants to be. He confided to me that he's thought about if it would bother him to give up his dream. Only after he received his acceptance letter did he start to tell people that he could be going to the academy. So the question is would he be satisfied knowing that he got in but not go through with it? He seems to think he'd be fine with it. His mother would certainly be happier if he just gets a normal job. She's worried he'll become jaded or desensitized to life because of the job. I also made sure to ask him if later he regret or feel resentful later if he gave up the job and, for example, our relationship didn't work out. It sounds like he thinks it would be worth the risk. Alternatively, he's thinking he could go to training and find out his assignment. If it's not what he wants, he'd finish the academy and come back home to find a regular job. At times, he sounds so sure that I'm the one. I'm uncomfortable having him make any sacrifices for me this early though I do appreciate knowing that he'd do what's important over his own wishes if necessary.

Do you see why am I a little scared of this whole situation? His feelings are quite intense and serious for two people who've only known each other one month. It makes me incredibly nervous. I am concerned that this is just an easy setup for major disappointment.

Another indicator that was sweet yet disturbing happened Saturday evening as we prepared to cook dinner. A large group of families set up camp behind us. In our struggle to light our charcoal without lighter fluid, we asked them if they had anything lighter fluid we could borrow. They didn't, but the boys came over with other aids including a lighter and metal pole. The older boy was rather precocious and kept making unhelpful suggestions. I tried to strike up a conversation with one of the other boys, asking why they were hear and what activities they had planned. The 8-year-old told me about their rented rafts. He also told me they would probably play Big2 at night. I asked him to explain how to play the game. After the boys ran off, Tim came over and told me he liked seeing that I could interact with kids and gave me a kiss on the forehead. I know previously he had mentioned that he is looking for someone who can get along with kids. He seemed very pleased with me. For some reason it seemed demeaning. I tend to think it would have been better if he had kept that to himself.

A couple hours later I took him over to his Search and Rescue camp site. As we pulled into the gated road, he chose to mention something rather serious. I can't recall the exact wording, but basically he said how some people are on the dating track and that there are others who are boyfriend/girlfriend. It was clear that he was trying to tell me that he wants us to move beyond dating. I kept getting distracted with driving in the dark. As we finally reached his campsite, I told him that I respected his opinion, but that I need more time. I hate giving myself hard deadline but that I understand not wanting to drag this process out too long. I came to the conclusion that I wanted until the end of July before making a decision about us. I couldn't look at him while I was driving, so I don't know what his reaction was. He seemed okay though a little frustrated. He reminded me again that he'll be happy for me whomever I may end up with but that he'd be sad if it's not him. After we unloaded his stuff he asked if the weekend had been okay. I think he wanted to make sure that I wasn't feeling uncomfortable with our conversation and intimacy. I assure him that it was good.

He came with me back to the gate and gave me a couple kisses as he exited the car. He didn't want to leave me. If there had been a way, I think he would have bailed on his responsibilities to spend more time with me. His last comments were, "don't fall in love with anyone this week... fall in love with me." I smiled but wasn't sure how to respond to that.

Sitting here now and writing this, I have to admit I'm a little more uneasy than before. I am very concerned that he's too wrapped up in me. Thankfully, we have a one-week break from each other. I am hopeful the time apart will calm things down. It could very well go the other way and make his feelings more intense. He's trying hard to be patient and not pressure me, but I am starting to feel it. We need to talk more when we're both back at home.