Just sick

Since last week, there was some buzz about finding this missing girl in the Central Valley. We all know that as time passes, the chances of a happy ending fade fast. Unfortunately, last night, the search ended. Someone stuffed her into a suitcase and discarded her in a pond. I wonder if they counted on the fact that the dairy processor regularly drains the pond.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/04/07/california.missing.girl.dead/index.html

The thing about this one is that it must have happened just doors away from home. It's not like some open neighborhood where a random person drove through and snatched her. At least my perception is that a mobile home park is an enclosed area. People there are either tenants or visitors. The murdered has to be pretty stupid because it's going to be easier to identify suspects. All that matters is finding clear evidence to convict.

Considering the police issues search warrants only hours after announcing the discovery of her body means they're hopefully closing in on the bastard. I hope he is sweating bullets and panicking.

Think tropical

I'm off for an extra long weekend vacation... I'm looking forward to dipping my feet into some beautiful blue waters.

In the meantime, I highly recommend peaking in on the San Diego Zoo's Pandacam and the newborn panda sleeping with Mama, Bai Yun. It's such a peaceful sight.

Yes, that's my name

I came across this article today. I thought it was amusing and shows that celebrities aren't the only people looking for novel baby names. Of course, Asians probably have a more justifiable reason for looking for something unique given the limited number of surnames. Imagine if a quarter of the population ended in Smith or Johnson.

Using a symbol like "@" reminds me of Prince. It's just a lame way to be named. Think about how much teasing this child may go through at school.

Of course, then I think about a friend of mine who complains that he can't write his own Chinese name because his dad had to pick the most complicated character for his first name. His dad is a very educated man who chose American names that had distinct meaning, but at least they were names you find in a baby book.

In this case, maybe it's a good thing the government can reject your paperwork.

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Couple Tries to Name Baby 'At' Symbol

Thursday, August 16, 2007

(08-16) 08:21 PDT BEIJING, China (AP) --


A Chinese couple seeking a distinctive and modern name for their child chose the commonly used Internet 'at' symbol, much to the consternation of Chinese officials.

The unidentified couple and the attempted naming were cited Thursday by a Chinese government official as an example of bizarre names creeping into the Chinese language.

The father "said 'the whole world uses it to write e-mails and translated into Chinese it means 'love him,'"' Li Yuming, the vice director of the State Language Commission, said at a news conference.

The symbol pronounced in English as 'at' sounds like the Chinese phrase "love him."

Written Chinese does not use an alphabet but is comprised of characters, sometimes making it difficult to develop new words for new or foreign things and ideas.

In their quest for a different name, Li said that the parents of baby '@' were not alone. As of last year, only 129 surnames accounted for 87 percent of all surnames in China, Li said, suggesting that the uniformity drove people to find more individual given names.

"There was even a 'Zhao-A,' a 'King Osrina' and other extremely individualistic names," Li said, according to a transcript of the news conference posted on the government's main web site, .

Li did not say whether police, who are the arbiters of names because they issue identity cards, rejected baby '@' and the others. But nationwide last year there were 60 million people's names that used "unfamiliar characters," Li said.

www.gov.cn

Do your parents know they're paying for this?

Okay, I must admit I'm excited by the idea of the iPhone. I'm not one of those early adopters who must have the latest gadget the minute it goes on the market. Frankly, I'm too cheap to pay the $600 it takes to get one (this is really interesting cost analysis). Maybe next year, if the price drops a little and any bugs have been worked out (wow, have you looked at the plans?), I'll consider buying one. I'm not a big Internet person (nor do I want to pay AT&T extra money for Internet access), so I just don't have the need.

People who are technophiles, who need the connectivity - that's great. I know this will be fun and cool. What gets me are the younger people who are trying to get these phones. I've seen interviews with people in line in different parts of the country and it just astounds me how people spend money they haven't earned (at least from my perspective).

A news reported talked with a high school kid in line in NYC. The reporter asked, "how are you paying for this?"

The kid pauses, forms an awkward smile, and slyly responds, "my parents."

"Do your parents know they're buying this for you?"

"Not yet."

Yeah, his parents must have been thrilled when they saw this on the local evening news. Does he have their credit card with him or something?

Then, in Texas, they talked to this man who had been in line at the AT&T store for a day. The reporter asked, "Are you buying this for yourself?"

In a calm, Texan drawl, "No, it's for my son. My wife wants one too, but I don't know if I can buy two of them."

What can I say? My reaction is that it's ridiculous that these young kids expect to have these expensive toys and have their parents pay for it. There have been many articles (I remember one from Newsweek several years ago) that discuss the excessive amount of entitlement kids have today. Teenagers spend parents money on gadgets and designer clothing without any appreciation for how it's earned. What are they going to do when they grow up? Not everyone is going to have a trust fund to live off of.

When (if) I have kids, they will hate me. They will think I'm ruining their lives because they can't be like their friends with the cool accessories. Well, I'm sorry, that's how it is. You'll appreciate it when you're older. If you want something, you can mow lawns for a year and then we'll talk about buying it. You want a new car you say? How about a used Corolla that you pay for by working at In-N-Out for $10/hour. I'll match each dollar you earn.

I refuse to spoil my kids. Sure, I want them to like me, I want to be their friends, I want them to feel like they can be open with me. However, when it comes down to it, I'm the parent, I need to set rules and teach them how to become responsible adults. That's not going to happen if I indulge their every request.

Besides, come one, those phones are going to get stolen. Think about when iPods first came out or when kids bought the latest Michael Jordan Nikes. I don't like the idea that my kid could get mugged, stabbed, or killed over something so trivial. Clothes and accessories don't make a person (okay, yes, it's human nature to want attention). Still, American have gone to extremes in bling and consumerism. You don't HAVE to have EVERYTHING.

Rant over... have a fantastic weekend!

Don't wear nice clothes, he spits

This weekend was unintentionally busy. It seems prior to every weekend I think it'll be a chance to relax and do nothing for half a day. The past two weekends, it's been nothing like that.

Saturday I did some hiking with friends. We're going camping in a couple weeks, and that trip included an all-day hike that will be fairly strenuous. We knew we all needed to get our feet and legs into shape. It was a decent hike, though we ended up taking an easier trail since people were getting tired.

The 9am hike basically turned into an all-day event. After the hike, we had brunch. Then, we walked around the quaint little town we were in, strolling through the nice furniture shops and touristy antique stores. We laughed about all the little things they had for sale and how you could probably buy much of the stuff at a garage sale for a quarter of the price!

I really wanted to nap by the time I got home, but I promised my friend that we'd meet to work on our oral presentation for our class. We're using photos from the vacation as the source of our little narrative. It'll be fun, though we ended up with a crazy number of pictures for a 5-minute presentation.

In the evening, I rejoined my friends for dinner. We ate at this new Korean BBQ place. It wasn't at all what anyone expected. The place was 3-months new, well-lit, clean, and not at all smokey. The wall was a modern design with a backlight that gradually changed colors all night. The grill were set into the table and had the fan on the sides of the grill so no smoke every rose up from the table. It was kind of odd thinking the smell of smoke wouldn't be in our hair and clothes after leaving the restaurant.

Sunday was a baby day. I chatted with my friend, Sister, who's been on maternity leave, enjoying her little boy. We're trying to meet up while I'm in town for a business trip. I will only be there one night, so it'll be a little tricky to meet littleJ before he falls asleep.

Then, I met up with an old high school friend, Bragh, who was visiting town with her three-month old. We catch up probably once a year though there were a number of years we didn't do much more than exchange Xmas cards (though I think only I was sending anything). She also invited another high school classmate, Epiphany, to join us. It's someone from the year above us, but we were all on the speech and debate team. He brought along his wife and 16-month son.

Getting ready, I debated what to wear. Do I show off a little and dress better, or just throw on whatever jeans and t-shirt was at the foot of my bed? In the end, I figured if I had the chance to hold the baby, he might drool. I opted for the decent but older knit shirt.

I arrived first. I wanted to put down my name for the waitlist, but honestly had no idea how many people were coming. Both families arrived at about the same time, only a couple minutes after the hour. Knowing they'd take awhile to get the kids out of the cars, I got a quick headcount and put my name down for a table.

When our table was ready, I stood back to let the seating arrangement take shape. Usually, I see the kid and parent straddle a corner of the table for easy reach. I figured I'd take which ever chair was vacant. That put me between Epiphany's son and Bragh's husband. Epiphany's wife jokingly apologized upfront fearing any wild swings of a food-covered spoon during the meal from Will. I assured her my choice of clothing was exactly for that reason. Other than some spoon drumming, Will was a good kid. I had to pick up his sippy cup several times, but he stayed content eating his fruit.

It was a bit surreal at times having breakfast. I didn't totally feel like a fish out of water. In fact, I can talk about kids and babies as if I have one. Sometimes my guy friends think it strange I know so much. It's just a fact of being around so many mothers at work. You learn from all their conversations and venting about pregnancy and child-rearing.

Bragh's son spits up A LOT. I about their experiments with all brands of baby formula. Costco brand turned into something oatmealish when it came back up, so they've sworn off that kind. It's funny how they've become pretty good at sensing when he'll spit up (like little burps). Epiphany's son learned to refuse formula just by the smell. They were both pretty healthy kids. They shared stories about potential bed rest and struggles with breastfeeding.

Women's bodily functions become public knowledge once you have a baby. The husbands didn't seen at all phased by the brunch discussion. It's refreshing to be able to share such things, but I supposed it has it's oddness.

The one thought that never occurred to me until the mothers laughed about it was that no moment is private. Even when you need to go to the bathroom, you take your child with you. I'm trying to imagine holding a child while peeing... ugh. As they get older, you also need to entertain them. Will was taught to help mom by pulling off a couple squares of toilet paper. That changed one day when she was getting dressed and saw a trail of toilet paper leading from the bathroom, across the room, and into the closet. ;)

They asked about my job and stuff, but politely avoided asking about my love life. I guess it was kind of a relief. A part of me wanted it to come up so that maybe I could see if Epiphany could introduce me to some successful Google friends, but guys rarely think about helping set up people.

All in all, it was a fun morning. It's wonderful to see old friends and enjoy how their lives have evolved and grown. Baby smiles are priceless.

The rest of the day, I ran some errands, bought some trekking poles off craigslist, and met up with my friend for more presentation preparation. The best part of the day was laying out on the couch for three hours watching the mini-series "Battlestar Galactica" (the modern version, not the 1970s tv show). I'm dying to get home to finish the last hour of the series.

5th graders out of control

Yikes, I just read about this incident. I'm trying to think back to my own life as a 5th-grader. I remember hearing about a guy from my class going on a date with a girl from another class. She had left her purse at his house, and he gave it to her in class. I remember being surprised to see this happen.

I wasn't exactly part of the popular or more "mature" crowd. There was definitely socializing among the girls and boys. Naturally there were crushes and flirting going on, but nothing obvious came of them.

I remember buying a book in 6th grade called, "Figuring Boys Out." I really didn't understand the dynamics between boys and girls. (And, I still feel clueless some days.) The one story from the book that I remember is about a girl who bought this cool skirt. It had a zebra pattern with faux suede tassles. She was excited to wear it to school. Unfortunatley, a couple of boys made fun of her skirt at school that day, and she was devastated. Her mother was furious because her daughter refused to wear the skirt ever again. It was only in hindsight that she realized one of the boys who teased her like her. This example was to demonstrate that boys use teasing to get the attention of girls they like.

While I understand this to some extent, I still don't understand how to discern between someone who likes you and someone who has malice towards you. I still think there are people out there who would do that to put you down to make themselves feel superior. What's the difference?

Anyhow, I ramble...

It's just really frightening what kids come up with these days. No doubt the idea came from kids who have been watching to much television. Sex and violence are so intergrated into every form of media these days, it's hard to avoid. No doubt these kids saw something on the Internet or on television showing the "fun" and "popularity" resulting from sex and decided to experiment. It's really scary to think about how difficult it is to protect children from such situations. Life seemed so much simpler and more innocent twenty... oops, I mean thrity (ouch!) years ago.

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Authorities: Fifth-graders posted lookout, had sex in class

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (AP) -- Five fifth-grade students face criminal charges after authorities said four of them had sex in front of other students in an unsupervised classroom and kept a classmate posted as a lookout for teachers.

The students were arrested Tuesday at the Spearsville school in rural north Louisiana, authorities said. Two 11-year-old girls, a 12-year-old boy and a 13-year old boy were charged with obscenity, a felony. An 11-year-old boy, the alleged lookout, was charged with being an accessory.

"After 44 years of doing this work, nothing shocks me anymore," said Union Parish Sheriff Bob Buckley. "But this comes pretty close."

Authorities said the incident happened March 27 at the school, which houses students from kindergarten through 12th grade. A high school teacher normally watches the fifth-grade class at the time, but went to an assembly for older students and the class was inadvertently left unattended, Buckley said. (Watch authorities try to determine if a crime was committedVideo)

The class, which had around 10 other students, was alone for about 15 minutes, he said.

"When no teacher showed up, the four began to have sex in the classroom with the other elementary students in the classroom with them," he said.

It took a day for authorities to find out about the incident. A student who had been in the class told a high school student about it the next day, Buckley said. The student told a teacher, and school officials notified the sheriff's office. Detectives began questioning students Thursday.

School officials did not return calls seeking comment.

The students, who were not identified because of their age, were released to their parents after their arrests, Buckley said. They will next be arraigned in juvenile court.

A message seeking comment from the district attorney was not immediately returned.

Buckley said it was unclear what penalties the children could face.

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

The 6 most annoying things kids say

I thought this might be something worth clipping for future reference. Whether or not I have kids, I think these suggestions might help me devise ways of better responding to people in general (and perhaps alert me to bad habits of my own). I can just imagine myself getting impatient and snappy with one of those smart-ass retorts or be whiny and speak an adult version of one of those childish expressions.

The 6 most annoying things kids say -- and the best ways to respond - CNN.com

By Melody Warnick
Parenting.com

Snuggling under her blankets at bedtime, Ella, 3, gazed up at me and announced longingly, "I want a new mommy." Not even four years into my tenure as Mom and I was already being edged out of the job. Even worse, Ella started announcing "I want a new mom" frequently, like whenever I failed to buy her a ring pop at the grocery-store checkout. Some days, it was all I could do not to retort, "Yeah? Well, I want a new kid!"

Developing the knack to verbally push your buttons is just part of your child's linguistic and behavioral development. The challenge is to teach her to be courteous while allowing her to assert herself ? and do it without responding like you're 3 years old. What to say (and what to skip) in response to these gems:

"Mine!"

Whatever 18-month-old Weston Congdon has, his 3-year-old brother, Addison, wants, even if it's something that's collected dust in the toy box for the past six months. "What drives me crazy is that usually it's a baby toy, like a teething ring," says their mom, Sarah, of Ames, Iowa. "I think, 'What are you gonna do with it other than take it away from your brother?'" Now Weston, a beginning talker, walks around the house repeating "Mine, mine, mine" ad nauseam. His frustrated mom has been known to retort, "Well, then, the couch is mine and you can't sit on it."

A better way to respond: As tempting as it is to give little ones a dose of their own medicine, it won't help them see the error of their ways, and it may confuse them. Yet keeping your cool in the face of "Mine!" can tax even the most Zen-minded mom. "Ignoring the behavior is best, but even as a clinical psychologist, I can't," admits Ray Levy, Ph.D., a dad of one and the coauthor of "Try and Make Me!" "I'd rather have something to say in response that I can depend on." His solution: Toss out a "brain-dead phrase" -- a short-and-sweet sound bite that lets a persistent child know he won't get his way. With a child who insists that everything is his, simply keep repeating, "Sorry" or "It's nice to want things." End of story. Even if the empty phrase doesn't completely shut down the whining, having something -- anything -- to say will keep you from saying something that you shouldn't.

"It's not fair."

Attempts to pry her 4-year-old son away from one last episode of his favorite show usually turn into major bedtime battles for Anne Eide of Columbus, Mississippi. "William will say, 'But it's not fair!' Then he'll cross his arms and stomp down the hall, come back again, and repeat, 'Mom, it's not fair.'" That's when Eide sometimes can't help but let loose with "Listen here, Mister, you either turn off the TV now or you won't watch it for a week!"

A better way to respond: On nights when she's a tad more patient, Eide uses a kid-friendly example to explain why he doesn't always get his way. "I say, 'Daddy doesn't want to be in school all the time, but right now he needs to.'" Translation: Even adults don't get everything they want. The approach usually works. "He looks at me kind of like, 'Oookay.' Then he goes and gets ready for bed," says Eide. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, a mom of two and author of "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles," recommends asking your child to start over and try again with less irritating words, such as "Can we please talk about this?" or "Mom, I don't like that rule." Next time he complains that something's not fair, you can say, "Remember, we talked about this before. What words are you supposed to use instead?" Giving your child new ways to express himself makes him more likely to abandon the annoying ones.

"You're not the boss of me."

Eleanor Petersen of St. Louis, Missouri, wants to do everything herself. So when her mom, Amy, was in a rush and buckled the car seat for her, Eleanor, 3, declared, "You're not the boss of me." Petersen had to bite her tongue to keep from answering, "You wanna bet?"

A better way to respond: "As a mom, you have to try not to get caught up in the words and instead connect with the feeling underneath them," says Kurcinka. "You can ask, 'What's going on here? What's the need she's trying to express, and how can I help her do it more appropriately?'" In a calmer moment, Petersen realized that what her daughter really wanted was control. When her mom gave her options (like "Do you want to do the top buckle or the bottom buckle?"), Eleanor was far more likely to cooperate. You can even head off "You're not the boss of me" by teaching your child to say, "I'd like a choice," instead.

"I want it now!" As I was starting to make dinner, my daughter asked for a cookie, and when I said she could have one for dessert, she launched a major whinefest. "But I want a cookie right now!" Ella demanded. None of my attempts at reason dissuaded her. She just kept insisting again and again and again. Desperate for the "I want it now!" noise to stop, I broke down and gave her the cookie.

A better way to respond: Though I usually stand my ground, giving in once can set you back light-years when it comes to nagging, says Paul Coleman, a dad of three and author of "How to Say It to Your Kids." "That's how slot machines work: Every tenth pull you get a reward. It's not a big reward, but it's enough to keep you putting more money in the machine." Instead, he says, I should tell my daughter no once or twice, then ignore future requests and get her mind on something else, like a silly dance or a knock-knock joke. The good news: Such dogged persistence can be a plus in the real world. "You can step back and say, 'When they grow up, at least they're not going to be pushovers,'" says Coleman.

"You never let me do anything."

Carl Mowry, 10, has been known to whine that he never gets to do what he wants. His mom, Carla, has a take-no-prisoners response: "You know what?" says the Omaha, Nebraska, mom. "You're right! I will leave your life alone. But I want $800 for the house payment, $200 for food...." Carl gets a full list, and he has to write it all down.

A better way to respond: Lecturing may shut down the grumbling, but it doesn't get at the problem. Find out what's behind the whine by saying, "Is something wrong? I get the feeling you're upset about more than just not getting to play at Brad's house." Whether or not your child wants to confide in you, at least you're opening the door to the conversation -- on his level.

"I don't like you."

I'm certainly not the only mom whose feelings have been bruised by a kid who demands a mom swap or says, "I hate you!" Greyson Kreis, 6, of Fairfax Station, Virginia, put in a request for a new mom when his mother, Kim, made him drop the latest Captain Underpants book to clean up his room and turn in early. Unlike me, she had a quick comeback. "I told him that he had better enjoy that night in his bed because the next day I would find him a new mom, and he could go live in her house -- but without his toys," she says.

A better way to respond: The unanimous chorus from experts: Don't take it personally. Kids say these things when they're frustrated or angry. It doesn't mean you're a bad parent. Of course, distancing yourself when your kid seems to be dissing your mothering skills isn't easy, but letting your child think that you're all too happy to get rid of him -- or worse, that you hate him, too -- isn't okay. Since the under-9 set are literal thinkers, they won't detect the reverse psychology at work, and you might end up undermining your child's trust.

To stay calm, try to pinpoint the real reason your kid is lashing out: For 7-year-old Shaun Herock of De Pere, Wisconsin, it was frustration and fatigue. He snapped, "I don't like you! You're not my friend!" when his mom, Mia, refused to grab hamburgers on the way home from a two-hour football practice. Her measured response: "That's fine. You're entitled to feel that way." Shaun stewed for a while, but by the time they got home, the whole thing had blown over. Herock recognized that her son only said "I don't like you" when he was overtired, and that helped her keep her temper. Easier said than done, of course, but if you're upset, wait until you've calmed down to say anything. "When you get emotional, you lose 50 IQ points," says Ray Levy. "But later on you can say, 'It hurts my feelings when you tell me you hate me.' Usually when kids are calm, they're pretty remorseful."

My daughter's requests for a new mom have died down recently, but now she likes to say, "You hurt my feelings," when I refuse yet another visit to her bedroom at night. While most of the time I manage a response like, "Thanks for sharing," I'm not always as calm as I'd like. "We all lose it and say the wrong thing," says Levy. "But it's good for parents to apologize or change their behavior, instead of thinking they have to be right or perfect all the time." In other words, it's always okay to say "I'm sorry" to your kids.

Melody Warnick is expecting her second daughter, who will no doubt want a new mom someday, too.

Bouncing everywhere

Just venting today...

What is it about 2007 that's causing so many people to be pregnant? I don't think it has anything to do necessarily with the Golden Pig year, though I'm sure people are happy about it if their family is Asian.

I'm happy for them all, just a little sad inside for me. I hate always feeling like I've been left out. I don't want to believe that I'm never going to have children because it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it just feels that way more and more.

Jan: Les (2nd)
Feb: Professor (1st), EV (1st)
March: Sister (1st), Eeyore (2nd), Bragh (1st)
May: Bball (3rd), EH (2nd)
June: Nvy (2nd)


And I'm thinking there will be another three in the second half of the year (all firsts). [sigh]

I have three birthday party invites and one offer to go skiing for the next two weekends. All of which are from couples. Whooppeee (you can't see my face but it's a smirk). I feel like an outcast because the majority of the people who attend these things are now couples. I hate it, but I feel like I should go to the parties because they are my friends. It's lonely despite the smiles and laughs they see when I'm there.

Enough self-pity, I've got work to do. (Note, when you move a meeting up by a day, you might want to tell the presenter before you decide to move it so that she'll have it ready in time!!)

New adoption policy for 2007

I read about this several weeks back. It turned up last night on the news. It's good to hear that China has fewer children up for adoption. I hope that means more people are keeping their children. However, these new policies are probably the end of my potential plan to adopt someday from China (assuming I remain single). Single people are not outright excluded, but given that there are more applicants than children, "preference" to couples is a pretty dire statement.

Maybe I should convince someone who's unhappy with an accidental third or fourth child to let me have him or her. (Kidding, though I'm sad to know they would openly complain.)

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The Director *** attended a meeting held by officials from the China Center of Adoption Affairs on Friday, December 8, 2006. The main purpose of the meeting was to summarize CCAA’s work for 2006 and to address changes that will be implemented in 2007.

From 2003 to 2006, the number of dossiers submitted to CCAA continues to increase while the number of children available through international adoption continues to decrease as the focus on domestic adoption continues to grow in accordance with Hague Treaty policies. This will continue to impact the referral timeframe. The current timeframe is 15 to 16 months and may continue to lengthen in the future.

Since the number of children available for international placement has decreased, the CCAA prefers to place children with families who meet the guidelines listed below. Please note we are awaiting the official guidelines in writing from the CCAA. Therefore this information is subject to change. We will continue to update all families as we receive more information.

Based on current understanding of information released at the meeting, the following guidelines will impact families with dossiers registered (logged-in) at the CCAA after May 1, 2007:

* Couples must be married more than two years with no previous divorces. If previously divorced, the couple must be married at least 5 years. Couples with three or more divorces each are not eligible to adopt.

* Preference to married applicants over single applicants.

* The age for both parents should be between 30~50. If adopting a Waiting Child, the age of the parents should be between 30~55 if they adopt WC.

* Good health. No history of depression or anxiety within the last two years. Applicants that are hearing impaired are eligible for waiting children with similar medical issues. (We are requesting additional information on this requirement and will post more information as we receive it.)

* No criminal history. (We are requesting additional information on this requirement and will post more information as we receive it.)

* Body Mass Index (BMI) should be below 40. http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpa/bmi/adult_BMI/english_bmi_calculator/bmi_calculator.htm

* The income per family member (including the adopted child) must be $10,000.00 with a net worth of $80,000.00 or greater.

* Education level of high school or higher.

* The number of children currently living in the home under the age of 18 is less than 5 including the adopted child. This may not be a restriction if the family wants to adopt a Waiting Child.

Please note: The CCAA will send agencies detailed requirements regarding the above guidelines at a later date and families will be immediately informed of these details.

Effective January 1, 2007, the fees to submit a dossier to China will also increase. As of January 1, 2007, the fee for registration/translation will increase from $635.00 to $850.00. This includes the wire fee. These fees will impact families that submit their dossier to China after January 1, 2007. Therefore, all dossiers submitted to *** and mailed to China after December 22nd will pay the updated fees.

As of January 1, 2007 the fee to register/translate the dossier through the Waiting Child Program will increase from $435.00 to $720.00. This includes the wire fee. These fees will impact families that submit their dossier to China after January 1, 2007. Therefore, all dossiers submitted to *** and mailed to China after December 22nd will pay the updated fees.

Dear Abby posting on parenthood

This was part of a recent Dear Abby. Scary to think teenagers are becoming single parents.

It's a good reference for future reflection. Her choice of wording is better than my list though they cover many of the same things.

*********************************************

DEAR ABBY: I have two children, 15 and 17. Many of their friends are becoming single parents. Not wanting that for my children, I talk to them and urge them not to have babies until they're ready to be good parents.

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You are so good at coming up with lists for things, Abby. Could you compile a list of criteria for what makes a really good parent? It would be nice to show them what that adds up to. -- NANCY IN FLAGSTAFF, ARIZ.

DEAR NANCY: I'm pleased to help. However, I'm sure my readers will want to add to the list, which is a short one.

ARE YOU READY FOR PARENTHOOD?

(1) Can you support the child financially? Children are expensive. I always urge people to complete their education and delay parenthood until they are self-supporting, in case they should find themselves in the role of sole provider.

(2) Can you support the child emotionally? Babies are cute, but they are also completely helpless and emotionally needy. While some young women say they want a baby so they'll have someone to love them, the reality is it's the parent's responsibility to love and sacrifice for the child. In plain English, this means the end of a normal teenage social life because babies are extremely time-consuming.

(3) Are you prepared to be a consistent parent? Children learn by example -- both good and bad. Are you prepared to be a role model for the behaviors you want your child to mimic? Because mimic they do. They learn more from what they observe than what they're told.

(4) Have you read up on child development? Are your expectations of what a child should be able to accomplish as he or she reaches various chronological milestones realistic? Ditto for your partner, whether or not he or she is the child's biological parent.

(5) Are you prepared to put someone else's needs before your own for the next 18 to 21 years? Remember, babies can't be returned to the manufacturer for a refund if you're not 100 percent satisfied. Sometimes they come with serious challenges. Can you cope with those realities?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, I strongly advise postponing parenthood.

Even them

As I have noted before, it seems the 2007 baby challenge is growing. I received a holiday card from a college friend of mine. Let's call him Professor. I met him during a summer serving as campus counselors. He is two years older than me.

We made for good friends and naturally others in the group thought we were a pair. Eventually, he revealed to me that he was interested in dating me. At the time, however, I was interested in someone else. Honestly, although he was a good guy, I can't say that I would have wanted to date him. (On the other hand, my mother was very keen on this guy being that he was Chinese and incredibly intelligent.) One of the other reasons I didn't see him as boyfriend material was because he had mentioned that he did not want to have children.

After college we kept in touch. He dated a woman, HK, for some four years. At one point, he proposed, but she turned him down. He kept the ring in a safety deposit box. The following year, they got married. That was 2001.

I saw them once or twice. I don't remember much about her. While I never directly asked him about their plans, I never got the impression he had changed his mind about having a family. They seemed quite content living their lives, sleeping in on weekends, and traveling occasionally. He promised to invite me over to their place for dinner sometime but never did.

Yesterday I received their annual card. He's always incredibly prompt with his cards. I get it the week after Thanksgiving every year. So it was strange it came a week later this time. Inside was a typed letter rather than the couple of handwritten sentences of past cards. The stationary was cute and included thumbnail photos next to the text.

In one picture, there's a picture of them, HK with a chubby tummy area. I knew immediately that they must be expecting. It explains the stomach and the delayed of the usually early card.

Being my pessimistic and cynical self, I can't help wonder why the change. What in their lives caused this sudden change? Is it because next year is a lucky year to have children? After five years of marriage did they realize they need something fulfilling? Was HK feeling the guilt of approaching 40 and felt this was her last chance? Family pressure?Was it an accident they decided to keep?

I genuinely hope they are excited about this baby. I know they will be good parents. I'll have to meet up with him for lunch or dinner soon and get the whole scoop.

In my current situation, I'm naturally jealous. I seem to harbor a resentment towards anyone who contradicts what I understand or expect of them, especially when it means achieving something I haven't. I hate that in this world there are people who have what I want but don't necessarily want it like I do or have tried so hard to get it. Life's unfair, I know, I just keep wondering if it'll EVER be my turn.

When Tim came over the other night, he saw the packages I'm preparing to send out for the holidays. I also have a jewelry craft toy I plan to donate. He hugged me and told me how sweet and thoughtful I am to send gifts to my cousin's family, my pregnant friend, and my brother and sister-in-law. All I could do was sniffle and reply, "that's because I have no one of my own."

Not your normal shopping

This article was on the front page of the local news site yesterday - 37 Percent of U.S. Births Out of Wedlock.

As I read it and thought about it, I got distracted from my work and considered my own situation. Thirty-six is fast approaching. I don't have a boyfriend, I have no current prospects, I'm not signed up for any online dating, that fact of the matter is I have little inclination beyond well-meaning friends to meet potential single men.

And yet, here I sit, knowing that my time is growing short to have a child of my own. Adoption is something I still have many years to consider, but the opportunity to share a blood line and give birth to my offspring will not last.

Whenever I try and seriously consider the idea of being a single mother, I get incredibly scared. A desire to cry emerges from somewhere deep in my heart. I shake my hands as if that makes the ghostly feeling fade away.

Out of curiosity, I googled for a couple sperm bank websites. I experienced the same feelings I used to have whenever I walked into churches before college - that I was trespassing in a place where I don't belong. (My old-fashioned notion is that this is a place for couples who are having trouble conceiving, not for some single gal who can't get a man.) The sites don't look any different from any other business in that they have a logo, a menu of topics to select, and some general explanations all sitting on a soothing palette of background colors.

What is fascinating is that you can search through the donor sperm catalog for free. I couldn't help myself but browse to see what kinds of Asians they had in stock. In most cases, the selection was rather low compared to looking at, say, men of European descent. I browsed at banks in California, Chicago, Virginia, and New England.

Honestly, it reminds me of dating. You have the guys' race, height, weight, hair color, blood type, education level, and interests or career focus. At two of the banks, you can further drill down for a short biography that provides more history in terms of the origins and health of parents and grandparents. You also learn whether they are smokers, wear glasses, and personal comments. There is an option to buy a baby photo and longer personal essay if available. It was nice to be able to see all this, but it also gave me this odd feeling.

Right or wrong, some thoughts popped into my head as I explored these sites:
1) It seems many of these men are foreigners who do it for the money. It takes away some of my willingness to want to go this route. Yes, they all do it for the money, but I guess I'm looking for some comprehension from them to the significance of what they are doing.

2) Id like to know whether these men are gay or straight. I do believe some people are genetically disposed to an orientation. Frankly, though I would love my child either way, being a straight woman, I'd like to start my child off with the odds towards the same orientation. It would be difficult enough to raise a child alone, I would want to do whatever I could to eliminate extra challenges. This may be selfish and insensitive to some, but I'm just being honest.

3) Having a choice meant feeling more control and the right to get what I want. I had a heightened sense of entitlement. Since I'd be paying for this I should have the best for my child - good height, a healthy BMI number, a clean health history, etc. Looking back now, I feel ridiculous. Some of it's very practical, but I also feel guilty for having this "designer baby" attitude. If I had a husband, I wouldn't care as much because it'd be about creating a child made from our love. In this case, it's about getting the best attributes since I would have no emotional connection to the father.

4) Even though I will likely never meet the sperm donor, I would prefer my child's father to be closer to my age. It was strange thinking that I could create a child with someone twelve years younger. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and it's the reality of what selection is available. It would seem my mind is still treating this somewhat like dating.

Normally, one uses a profile to choose a man to date that could potentially progress to create a family. A lot of trial and error is involved. Here, a small amount of information is the basis from which one must take a very big leap of faith. With this process, there's a need to fill in the blanks about how the donor's personality will influence the child. Luck seems to be a big factor. What a peculiar process this must appear to be to other cultures.

There are so many implications to this for me personally that I'm not prepared to confront or accept. I've thought about all this stuff before, but it's scary idea that I'd prefer to put off as long as possible.

********************************************
37 Percent of U.S. Births Out of Wedlock
By MIKE STOBBE, AP Medical Writer
Tuesday, November 21, 2006

(11-21) 15:52 PST ATLANTA (AP) --

Out-of-wedlock births in the United States have climbed to an all-time high, accounting for nearly four in 10 babies born last year, government health officials said Tuesday.

While out-of-wedlock births have long been associated with teen mothers, the teen birth rate actually dropped last year to the lowest level on record. Instead, births among unwed mothers rose most dramatically among women in their 20s.

Experts said the overall rise reflects the burgeoning number of people who are putting off marriage or living together without getting married. They said it also reflects the fact that having a child out of wedlock is more acceptable nowadays and not necessarily the source of shame it once was.

The increase in births to unwed mothers was seen in all racial groups, but rose most sharply among Hispanics. It was up among all age groups except youngsters ages 10 to 17.

"A lot of people think of teenagers and unmarried mothers synonymously, but they are not driving this," said Stephanie Ventura of the National Center for Health Statistics, a co-author of the report.

The government also reported that the rate of births by Caesarean delivery continued to climb in 2005 to a record high, despite efforts by public health authorities to bring down the number.

Many experts believe a large number of C-sections are medically unnecessary and done only for the convenience of the mother or her doctor.

The government report includes information from 99 percent of U.S. birth certificates filed last year. The information for 2005 is considered preliminary, but officials said it is not expected to change much.

About 4.1 million babies were born in the United States last year, up slightly from 2004. More than 1.5 million of those were to unmarried women; that is about 37 percent of the total. In 2004, about 36 percent of births were out of wedlock.

Out-of-wedlock births have been rising since the late 1990s.

Several factors may be contributing to the trend, said Dr. Yolanda Wimberly, an adolescent-medicine specialist at Atlanta's Morehouse School of Medicine.

More women in their 30s and 40s, hearing their biological clock, are choosing to give birth despite their single status. Younger women are not as worried about being unmarried, either, she added.

"I think it's more acceptable in society" to have a child without getting married, she said.

Just because a mother is not married does not mean the father isn't around, Ventura noted. She cited 2002 statistics that showed that about 20 percent of all new mothers under 20 were unmarried but living with the father at the time of the birth. That same was true of about 13 percent of all new mothers ages 20 to 24.

According to census figures, the median age at first marriage was 27 for men and 25 for women last year, up from 23 and 20 in 1950. Meanwhile, the number of unmarried-couple households with children has been climbing, hitting more than 1.7 million last year, up from under 200,000 in 1970.

Other findings in the report:

The birth rate among teenagers declined 2 percent in 2005, continuing a trend from the early 1990s. The rate is now about 40 births per 1,000 females ages 15 to 19. That is the lowest level in the 65 years for which a consistent series of rates is available.

The U.S. teen birth rate is still the highest among industrialized countries.

Births to women in their early 20s rose slightly, to 102 births per 1,000 women ages 20 to 24. Births to women in their late 20s — the most productive group in terms of childbirth — was about the same from the previous year, at about 116 per 1,000 women ages 25 to 29.

The C-section rate rose to 30.2 percent of all births in 2005, an increase of 1 percentage point from the previous year. The rate has risen by nearly half since 1996.

"It is clear that the procedure is being overused," Tonya Jamois, president of the International Cesarean Awareness Network, said in a statement. ICAN is a California-based nonprofit organization focused on lowering C-section rates.

Another baby season - ugh

It would seem another baby season is coming. I've been bombarded by people revealing that they're expecting new additions to their families late next spring. More reasons for me to avoid people.

It was such a lovely weekend that I had to get out and do a hike. This is one of the rare times I went alone. Part of me figures that I need to grow accustomed to that idea. I thought about how happy I'd be to even just stroll through the neighborhood hand in hand with a sweet man. Great... another qualification to make my search more difficult... a man who will get up before 9am on a Saturday morning.

I drove over to an area which I usually hike with friends after work in the summer. Boy, was that a mistake. I forgot that the place is overflowing on weekends. Luxury vehicles parked along red curbs despite numerous signs reminding people to park in designated spaces only.

The worst thing, and the reason I will never go there on a weekend again, is that the place is filled with babies and couples. There's a retirement community just up the road from the park. Many older couples like to stroll through the flat areas. Same with the families. I can imagine many of these women, cooped up at home with their infants. This is their chance to escape the house and get some fresh air.

I tried to clear my mind and focus on the moment. But it was hard to ignore the stream of people. How could I not be jealous of the couple with two young children happily playing? How could I not feel like a loser seeing people younger than me, married and walking with a newborn attached to their chests? All these years have gone by when they probably met, dated, married, and gave birth. Me? I've got a collection of lame dating stories to show for those same years. Then, I'd see a lone, older women jog by and wonder if that is my fate.

Only when I went far enough back, up into the hills, did I escape all those people. I could inhale the fresh breezes and gaze out on the bay. The grasses are dry now, so the hillsides look like a nature picture in sepia or black and white. I wanted to sit under the far tree and listen to the wind. No people, no time, no worries. It was such a peaceful place.

That's it?

The volume of tricker treaters this years was only half that of what I had last year. Most of the kids that came by I'd say were between three and eight. That left me with quite a bit of left over candy. Strange, I wonder why it fluctuated to much?

I like to fill a bowl with all the candy for the night and let the kids choose their candy. I buy the mini bars, not the mini bites of the regular sized candies like Kit Kats, Snickers, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, etc. When the kids come, I hold out the bowl and tell them they may take one candy they like.

What surprises me is the lack of manners these days. Excusing the very little ones, I always have a number who don't bother to say "trick or treat" or don't say "thank you." Some parents will try and remind their kids as they walk away, but it is frustrating. Several times, I'd add "you're welcome" as they left but only a couple caught that and replied.

Even more distressing were the number of kids who protested my instructions. Upon hearing they could have ONE, I had kids (all ages) respond to me - "that's it?" or "just one?"

What I wanted to say was, "it's one or none, what do you prefer?"

But, of course, in the gentlest voice I would simply say, "yes, one candy."

Perhaps I'll just have to throw one into their bags next time rather than give them a choice. Several kids ignored my instructions and would grab two. I didn't say much but at least usually those kids had better verbal manners. Half my neighbors don't even give out candy. Maine took off in her car at 6:30pm, no doubt to avoid any potential ringers. I do this for the fun of it. If it's quantity over quality, then I should just buy the cheaper lollipops and tootsie rolls next year rather than the nicer stuff.

I also feel that kids get enough sugar, I don't want to contribute to their bad eating habits more than necessary. It's my candy and my choice to give one piece each. Heck, I wonder how they'd all feel if I handed out raisins.

Sure, I had plenty of candy, but it's the principle to me. Is everyone giving multiple candies to each kid that comes to the door? It worries me these kids think they're entitled to more because it's in front of them. Halloween is about good neighbors and *earning* a treat.

Social etiquette

It's almost 8pm. The cell phone rings.

"Hello, hello?"

"Hi P. [garbled]"

"I'm having dinner right now, so I can't talk too long."

"What? [garbled] Hello?"

As I walk outside, "I can't hear you TJ. Just wait a second"

"This is really bad connection."

"I'm outside now."

"Ah, yeah, that's much better."

"Yeah, I was inside a restaurant. How are you? What's up?"

"Oh, you're at dinner."

"I'm catching up with my brother and sister-in-law. They came back from their honeymoon this week."

"Ah, that's right. Nice. I was going to invite you over to hang out with us. Bubbles is cooking tonight, and I don't have any big pots. You know the deep ones for stews and things. I was hoping to borrow some of yours."

"Hmmmm. Getting ready for the party tomorrow?"

"Yes, ... . Where do you think I could buy some pots?"

*****

Gee, could I feel more used? We rarely talk to each other or see each other except in group situations. Now, you want to hang out (at the last minute) with me so you can borrow my cookware? Lame. If Bubbles knew she was going to be cooking, why wasn't this planned better. You two have been dating for more than a year and she spends every other weekend at your place. Doesn't she know what's in your kitchen by now? It's fine to want to borrow, it's fine to want to hang out... it's just awkward being "included" just for the sake of needing something.

Thank goodness I had an excuse, otherwise he would have tried to give me some good reasoning to come over. Of course, I've had no problem saying "no" to him in the past. Once, he overheard me mention that I'd be gone on a business trip for a couple days. He asked if he could borrow my car to make a run to Home Depot. In a split second, my mind processed the idea of his tailgating, hard acceleration driving style, the lack of care he has for his furniture combined with throwing all sort of dusty, sharp-edged hardware items into my two-year-old car. Without barely a pause, I said "no." I feared for my car.

When I mentioned the pots conversation to Tim, he said, "of course TJ would ask that. It's just like 'hey Tim, would you and your four-wheel drive car like to coming skiing with us?'" (And when I bought my car, one of the minor thoughts that crossed my mind is that I would always be asked to drive for TJ's ski trips if I got the AWD option.)

On another note, a friend had a birthday party for her one-year-old daughter. When it was time to open the gifts, she spread a blanket out on the lawn with all the gifts. She then called everyone over. All the toddlers rushed over from the air jumper. Several three and four-year olds, including her nephew, began to try and open her daughter's gifts. None of the parents did anything to stop their kids. (How about, "Bobby, that's not for you, please don't touch. Sit down here and wait for the birthday girl.") My friend had to finally had to voice a request to the parents to please watch their kids.

I noticed how at Disneyland now, the automated message during the ride not only reminds you to stay in your seat until the ride has stopped, it asks parents to please watch the children. Duh! Growing up, I never recall hearing that. What is it with the lack of discipline on young children these days? Are parents more lazy these days or is this some mistaken belief that they don't need to be as hard on their kids as their parents were on them?

When and if to adopt

So as I mentioned before, adoption has been an option that I always thought I would pursue if the time came. Honestly, I thought I'd be married by my early 30s and wouldn't even have to weigh the matter. But here I am... .

It breaks my heart when I see children. I know they're a lot of work; it's not all giggles and smiles. But I want children. I want to be a mother. As afraid as I am of being a terrible, mean, and strict mother, I am desperate for the day to come. Life just seems like it will be complete when I have children to love and nurture.

When I am sad about being single, everyone tries to comfort me saying, "don't worry, you have plenty of time."

I hate that. I know they mean well, but it's not true. I don't have time. Being 40 and raising an infant is not what nature intended. How fair is it to a child to be already worrying about the financial stability and well-being of aging parents when they've barely finished college? I don't want to be one of those women who goes through months and months of injections and pain to do in vitro fertilization. IT'S NOT NATURAL. (I understand those who may have a legitimate medical condition that requires treatment, but if you just put off having a child because you wanted to enjoy your life or to spend some time on your career, you don't have my sympathy.)

But what happens when I'm 39 and childless?

There are two sets of questions to ask myself:

1) Can you be a single parent? Do you understand the responsibilities involved?

- Can I afford a child? Yes, I think I do okay. It won't be the dream house with the picket fence. I may have to give up living where I am now for a more affordable city or state, but it's possible.

- What happens when you get sick? No, my parents don't live nearby. I'd be on my own. This could be difficult without supportive friends.

- Will I be able to juggle my job? I understand that I may have to sacrifice my career and take a lesser job to ensure that I am able to be where I need to be when I need.

- Is it fair to the child to have only one parent? Maybe it's not ideal but I also think that being Chinese I can help them with their identity and appreciate their hertiage. I have a lot to give, and why not give that to a child who's been abandoned by her parents.

- Will I be lonely? Who wants to a date a single woman with a small child? Will I have time to date? Will having a child make up for not having a partner/husband? I don't know the answer. I know I need companionship. It may seem like I can be content alone, but in reality I need people. I need my friends around me for support, for laughter, for the tough times.

2) Should I have a child by birth or adopt?

- Being pregnant demands a great physical toll on the body. I feel that I'm healthy enough for it, but I have to admit that bearing the burden alone is scary. What if something happens and I'm alone at home? I'd also be lacking a lot of emotional support. Day to day tasks would become more difficult to manage, but I suppose I could hire a maid.

- Having a genetic connection to the child would be of great practical benefit. After all, I'd have a better idea of my baby's medical history. As an adult they might have a better idea of what health risks they need to be aware of.

- Having a child as a single women brings up another important question - who will the father be? Do you find a friend who is willing to donate or do you go to a sperm bank? Frankly, I'd prefer it be someone I know, however, that could get complicated if the friend has a wife. Surely, she would be very uncomfortable with the situation. It's also difficult to separate emotions from expected roles of responsibility. With an anonymous donor, I wouldn't have to worry about future custody suit (or you take care of it through legal contracts before conceiving but boy doesn't that take the joy out of the whole thing). But anonymous sperm also means you won't have medical history. I think it's better to know, even if there's a chance it's not all good.

- Adoption is another challenge in and of itself. The Chinese government has put in place stricter policies since 2001 about who can qualify. The one thing that works against me is that roughly only 5% of adoptions are allowed to be by single women. (If you're a single man, you are totally out of luck.) Understandably, they prefer the bulk of adoptions be by responsible, stable, married couples. One website I looked at already advised that single women cannot submit applications because requests exceed available children through 2007. From the time I want to take custody of my child, I need to plan up to two years back because that's how long the process could take. Should I decide to start an adoption application sometime next year, I probably would not complete the process until 2009.

- The costs of adoption are quite high. When I toured China a couple years ago, I happen to run into a group that had just come to meet their children. When I read up more on what they had gone through, I surmised they spent some $20,000 during the process and probably were carrying several thousand dollars on their person to pay the final government fees when they exited through Guangdong. This costs is likely just fees alone and doesn't not account for travel, training, etc.

- The concern my mother would have is what kind of history the child has. These orphanages vary widely. There's no way to know what kind of emotional trauma the children may harbor. You have no idea of their medical history and what may lie ahead. But if you love the child, it shouldn't matter right? But I have to admit, if I were a single parent, certainly I'd prefer a healthy child as it would be very challenging to deal with additional disabilities. I'm no angel, no saint. I want a "normal" child. I don't even have that guarantee if I were to give birth to my own, but somehow I guess one likes to believe that having some control in the matter improves the odds.

3) By when do I need to make this decision?

- I still feel like deciding it's time to adopt means I have given up on finding a man to marry. I know that's not necessarily true because I've seen people with children successfully remarry or get married. I simply recognize that the odds would not be in my favor. But then, getting older, the odds aren't great. Perhaps I'm being too pessimistic. I just feel like when I make this decision, I have to weigh whether having a child or having a companion is more important to feel fulfilled in my life.

So how do I make this decision? Will there be a day when suddenly everything becomes clear as to what is the best thing to do?

It's a scary thought to raise a child alone. But the thought of missing out on the joys (and challenges) of being a parent scare me more. I've been through a lot in my life, and I'd like to believe that I can suffer through and survive the worst. Without having looked at all the details yet, I am willing to make the sacrifices required for those fleeting moments of happiness. I still have some time to think through all this... time will tell.

Waiting or adopting

In my random blog browsing, I came across the blog of a 33-year-old, single, white woman who recently had her dream come true. She adopted a 13-month-old girl from China. I was intrigued by all the photos. I have to go back and read more about her journey.

It arouses a lot of curiosity for me because when I was fresh out of college, I had thought that should I be unlucky to still be single when I was 35, I'd consider adoption. (Gee, that age came sooner than I expected...) Seeing her site today really brought forward some emotions and fears that I have allowed to fade into the shadows. Now, I find myself feeling somewhat alone and sad.

I still have a lot of friends who say they're not ready for children or that they don't feel that NEED yet. I never worried about it for a long time. I assumed my time would come. That is, until the past few years, as I've watched friends have start families and find them preparing for number two in some cases. The world seems to be passing me by without a glance.

Perhaps this isn't exactly a dating story. I debated whether to locate this in my other blog. But it speaks to dating in that I wonder how much longer I should keep trying to find a husband. Taking care of child will change everything. I certainly don't think I'd have time to date. And most definitely, men would look at me very differently.

To be continued...

A mellower visit from Mom

As much as I love my mother, there's a reason I live several hundred miles away. We've always disagreed about how to live life. She wants me to uphold to several "traditional" expectations of behavior, while I, of course, have a melting pot of behaviors based on the influence of family, friends, and society in general.

Growing up, she always had the highest of expectations (not that I realized this back then). Growing up, I learned to be very hard on myself despite times when clearly I was lazy. It is also who I am today. It's been a long road (with many miles to go) to be aware of and to work towards letting go of the criticisms and disappointments. I had been preparing myself all week for a barrage of complaints, critiques, and aspirational advice from her. I went so much as to take a day off and make a half-assed attempt to tidy up my place so as to minimize the amount of cleaning and frustration she might voice upon seeing my "messy" space.

I picked her up from her meeting and we drove to the city to have dinner at an up and coming restaurant. My cousin joined us there. We had a pretty good time. My cousin talked our ears off. She's very different from me. I think I tend not to say much unless prompter. On the other hand, I think she enjoys telling stories. I couldn't help sit back at one point and just let them talk. It made me wonder if I seem boring to guys and whether they prefer girls like my cousin because then they don't have to work at the conversation.

Originally, we had told my mom that we wanted to treat her to dinner. When the bill came I swear I thought my mother was going to crawl over the table to take it from my hands. She was very upset that we were not allowing her to pay. It almost became embarrassing as the people sitting around us started to notice our little commotion. In the end, my cousin and I got our way and split the bill. My mother later commented that if I had paid for the whole bill that it would have been more acceptable but that she was upset I "made" Iris pay half the bill. Arghhh.

The drive home was fairly quiet. My mother had so far not been too nosy about our dating lives. Half way home, she did ask whether Is has a steady boyfriend. I told her no and assured her that we've both been trying. At dinner, I had mentioned that I went on a date with a guy last Thursday. I was surprised that she hadn't asked about it more - it seems so atypical.

In the car, I did elaborate further, saying that we dinner and the next day I wrote him a "thank you" e-mail with a suggestion to go hiking sometime. She seemed satisfied with my behavior. I summized his response saying that he thanked me for joining him for dinner but poo-pooed the hiking idea due to the rain. I added that what was frustrating to me was that he did not turn around and suggest an alternative for going out. She gave me a sound of agreement.

There was a pause and then she commented, "maybe you were talking a little too loud."

I immediately jumped on that and responded, "I don't think it's always my problem."

Her typically, non-logical response was, "I wasn't saying that it was." Uh, okay, but it sounded pretty clear to me. I went into this whole explanation of how we're all trying. In one case we'll meet someone we like who doesn't like us, and another time they'll like us more than we like them. We just have to keep trying until we find someone who likes us as much as we like them.

At another point, Mom asked about Is' cousin Ci. I told her how she moved into a place with her current boyfriend. My mother sighed with disappointment about how Ci doesn't really follow more traditional behavior (this is the 2nd/3rd guy she's lived with). I expressed that I was mostly in agreement that I don't approve of her moving in with her boyfriend (though for somewhat different reasons as I know a little more about Ci). It was almost surreal, but I took the opportunity to throw out some scenarios for my own curiosity's sake. I asked her how she would feel if I lived with someone but were only engaged. She said she wouldn't be happy with it but she figures we girls are at a mature enough age she has to let us be.

Then I went into this whole thing about children. She actually said, "do you think your brother and Dr would give you a baby of theirs?" WHOA, now there's an old fashion idea. Was she kidding? I know that was a practice back in the old days, but I can't see that happening in modern times. I didn't respond directly to that question but talked about the idea of adopting or having a child of my own. Neither sat well with her. She hates the idea of adoption because I "might get a child with bad genes" meaning deceitful, lying, dumb, crooked, etc. We both agreed that taking on the role of single parent would be a very difficult responsibility. I suppose it's nice to know that in some indirect way I would have her support (though grudgingly) if whatever may happen to me the next few years.

Ten minutes from home and I really put it out there. I said, "I didn't plan this. It's not like I wanted to be single at 35. At least I can say that I can take care of myself if I end up alone. I don't have to worry that my life will be ruined or I will be poor because I didn't get married."

Surprisingly she was very understanding. Mom even commented how my aunt had done fine all these years without being married. Still, she just can't understand why two smart and nice girls like me and Is can't find someone to marry. Well, I wonder too... .

Got religion?

I went out with my new friend, Chi, for the evening. She was invited to a karaoke party in SJ. So I met up with her and we went together.

On the drive down the freeway, she mentioned that she had coffee with the guy she'd hate a date with last week. I happily asked her how things were going between the two of them. Last week she had been concerned about a difference in age between them. This time she started by implying that it had worked out. Then she revealed that the concern was traded in for a bigger quandary. It turns out that he's Mormon.

Geez I felt like we were walking parallel universes. I couldn't help think about my own religious question. Chi didn't know much about Mormons. I told her that I knew many in high school and some notions of their beliefs and practices. I tried not to reveal too much as I didn't want to negatively bias her, but my comments did confirm her own limited knowledge.

Who would guess that a Korean-American would be Mormon? His father attended BYU and converted. Her date completed his mission, which explained why one might think he's younger than he actually is. She's very perplexed by the situation. After all, if someone's is traditionally religious, why would one choose to date a non-religious person? When Chi asked this, my rationale was that perhaps he is having trouble meeting someone within his own groups and is trying to find someone who would be open-minded. What needs to be determined is how devout he is to his religious principles and what his expectations would be of his non-religious spouse.

It was so bizarre to talk through this since I had been asking this myself. She was really frustrated and confused. He clearly is interested in her as he makes sure to talk to her on a regular basis and arranges the next date before the previous one ends. He invited over to his place for dinner this Tuesday. She was pretty honest about it, besides the other "rules," she wants to know his stance on pre-marital sex. I said it for her, people want a test drive before they buy the car. Maybe it's early to talk about, but these are things to keep in mind.

In the end, I think we both agreed to let it go for a little while. She has every right to say no and slow things down if he initiates more physical contact with her after dinner. Since it's not clear yet that anyone wants a relationship, you might as well just be yourself and get to know each other. I suggested that if in a few more dates the question do not resolve themselves, then it's fair to have a direct conversation about it. That seemed to be reasonable for Chi.

I didn't get long to share my experience, but I had to ask for her assessment. She knew about the three-person dinner. I think she was a confused as I am about the "wingman." She thought that perhaps this was KT's way to explore a few things in a casual way. I gave her a quick synopsis of the evening to demonstrate that it was a normal, get-to-know type of dinner. She did encourage me to still pursue communication with him regardless of any action he takes. Her opinion was that it wouldn't hurt to try and won't change the outcome.

I gave her an example of the e-mail I planned to write, to say that I enjoyed the dinner and wanted to know the name of the restaurant that he mentioned. Chi said that wasn't enough and if he replied that I needed to follow up and suggest that we go eat there sometime. I griped that I just wish men would try at least for a little while. Her explanation is that women have always needed to do the work because men won't.

On the way home, we briefly also talked about dating preferences - the big question about dating white men. It's interesting talking to Chi because I feel like our heads have been on the same track. She's positive marriage will happen, but she also acknowledges that children may not happen the way she imagines in. Adoption is a viable option if marriage comes late. The question is whether to be open to more options in order to find the right man.

Dating is so tiring yet we all want to find that happy place. What makes this such as hard goal? Why are there so many of us, women and men, who are good people but can't find the right connection?